The Science of Influence E-Book

Kevin Hogan

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 489

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2010

Beschreibung

Get customers, clients, and co-workers to say "yes!" in 8 minutes or less This revised second edition by a leading expert of influence continues to teach a proven system of persuasion. Synthesizing the latest research in the field of influence with real-world tested experiences, it presents simple secrets that help readers turn a "no" into a "yes." Every secret in this book has been rigorously tested, validated, and found reliable. * Learn dozens of all-new techniques and strategies for influencing others including how to reduce resistance to rubble * Make people feel instantly comfortable in your presence * Decode body language, build credibility, and be persistent without being a pain * Expert author Kevin Hogan turns the enigmatic art of influence and persuasion into a science anyone can master The amazing secret of The Science of Influence is its simplicity. After you read this book you will immediately understand why people say "no" to you and learn how to turn that "no" into a "yes" from that moment on.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

About the Author

Preface

Acknowledgments

Chapter 1 - Influencing Others to Change

Do They Even Know What They Want?

Two Personalities?

Three Ways to Change

Chapter 2 - The First Four Seconds

The First Impression

The First Appearance in Action

The Power of Physical Appearance

The Two Big Questions

The Science of Sexual Influence

Thirteen Secrets of Making a Magnetic First Impression That Will Last a Lifetime

Chapter 3 - The Delta Model of Influence

The Seven Keys to Rapport

The Bridge to a Client’s Heart: Rapport

Nonverbal Rapport-Building Skills

The 21-Point Delta Model

Fifteen Never-Before-Revealed Secrets to Optimize Your Persuasive Messages

Chapter 4 - Credibility

Perception of Credibility: Do You Have It? It Means Everything

Chapter 5 - The New Principles of Influence

Framing a Question

Fear of Loss versus Possibility of Gain

Freedom of Choice . . . or Barrier to Selling?

Quick Summary

Mine Is Best

Endowment Effect

From Your Life

Your Appeal Should Be to the Many or Greater Cause, Not Just Your Client

Competition Is a Driving Genetic Force of Survival

The Principle of Larger Numbers

Principle of We All Need Someone to Love

Influence and Mood

Influence and Product Placement

Influence and Community

Loss-of-Ownership Tactic

Disconfirmation-Doesn’t-Cut-It Tactic

The Mistake of Asking the Wrong Question

Note-Taking Tactic

People Can’t See the Future, So Get Them to Commit to It, Not Pay for It

The Inconsistency Tactic

The Single Differentiation Tactic!

Nine Golden Keys

Chapter 6 - Introduction to Omega Strategies

Testing Your Influence and Persuasion Quotient

Reducing Resistance in Relationships, Business, and Life

Two Kinds of Resistance

Overcoming Resistance with Omega Strategies

Mastering Omega Strategies

The Power of the Future . . . in the Present

Using Time Perspective

Mastering the Science of Influence

Chapter 7 - Framing Principles, Persuasion Techniques, and Influential Strategies

More about Framing

Foot in the Door: A Proven Persuasion Strategy That Leads to Yes!

Four Tested Ways to Be More Persuasive with Framing

Mastering the Science of Influence: Priming the Pump

Hypnotic Confusion

The Amendment Technique

How Most People Make Bad Decisions and How You Can Help Them Make Good Ones!

Chapter 8 - Applying the Laws of Influence

Law of Reciprocity

Law of Time

Law of Contrast

Law of Friends

Law of Expectancy

Law of Consistency

Law of Association

Law of Scarcity

Law of Conformity

Law of Power

Law of Inconsistency

Chapter 9 - The Influential Secret of Oscillation

Chapter 10 - Mind Reading

Chapter 11 - I’ll Think About It

Influence: It’s Not How You Ask, But When!

The Most Common Reason They Say No, and How to Overcome It

Influential Power of Choice Reduction

Impact of Emotions

Persuading the Represented Mind: Representation and Exaggeration?

Flagging in the Persuasion Process

Applications

Chapter 12 - How Their Brain Buys . . . You!

Why Most People Fail at Being Persuasive: Why Focus Groups Don’t Work

What Causes This Problem?

You Can’t Get to Yes If You Can’t Get Their Attention

The Attention Model

Chapter 13 - “I Will Do the Work for You”

Our Natural Way Is to Experience Hopeful Outsourcing

Magic Words in Business and Personal Relationships

The Gift of Freedom

Comfort and Familiarity

The Most Misunderstood Advertising Factor

Will Logic Overcome? Unlikely

Chapter 14 - The Power of Thinking without Thinking

Power of Thinking without Thinking

Recent Coffee Challenge

Perception Causes Action

More Thinking without Thinking

Expectations: If You Think a Wine Will Taste Good, it Will Taste Better Than it ...

Personal Identification—Thinking without Thinking

Disrupting Their Dislike . . . and Influencing Mixed Emotions

Negative versus Positive: Who Wins?

Chapter 15 - Influence in Sales and Marketing Online and in the Real World

Core Reasons People Buy or Say Yes to Anything

Can Higher Prices Cause More Sales Volume?

Chapter 16 - The Problem and Opportunity of Memory in Influence

What Does This Mean for Influence?

How to Prepare Yourself

How to Overcome Emotion

Chapter 17 - Women

Selling to Women Is Often Counterintuitive

So . . . Just Think Pink, Right?

Want to Sell Women?

The Online World

The Secrets Revealed . . . A Sneak Peek Inside a Woman’s Mind

When Women Say “No”

The Anti-Authority Message Reaction

Does Everyone Have the Same Response?

Reactance Triggers

What About That Teenager?

Bibliography

Index

Need a Speaker?

Praise forThe Science of Influence, Second Edition

“As a sports and performance psychologist who promotes the positive use of persuasion and influence to turn people into extraordinary performers, I always urge clients to read Kevin Hogan’s material. His new book, The Science of Influence, will now be at the top of the required reading list for all my sales training and coaching clients. Hogan has outdone himself this time. This is a must-read for everyone who wants to be more successful.”

—Richard F. Gerson, Ph.D., CPC, CPT, CMCAuthor of 19 books, includingHEADcoaching: Mental Training for PeakPerformanceandWinning the Inner Gameof Selling

“Whether it is in the boardroom, on the golf course, or across the dinner table, we all struggle to unlearn bad habits, put to rest unfounded fears, and effect positive change. Kevin Hogan offers us a simple but powerful way to shape behaviors, responses, and performance—both our own and those of others.”

—Linda ParkerEducator and author ofThe FabJobGuide to Become a Professional Golfer

“A cornucopia of research-proven tips, techniques, and resources to help you unlock the key to your prospect’s mind and elicit a positive response. Easier, faster, and more effective for those in business than an advanced degree in psychology!”

—Roger C. Parker Author,coach, consultant

Copyright © 2011 by Kevin Hogan. All rights reserved.

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey. Published simultaneously in Canada.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:

ISBN 978-0-470-63418-9 (paper) ISBN 978-0-470-88069-2 (ebk) ISBN 978-0-470-88070-8 (ebk) ISBN 978-0-470-88071-5 (ebk)

For Jessica and Mark Hogan The kids every parent asked for

About the Author

Kevin Hogan is the author of 19 books, including the international best sellers The Psychology of Persuasion: How to Persuade Others to Your Way of Thinking, Covert Persuasion, and Irresistible Attraction: Secrets of Personal Magnetism.

He has acted as a body-language expert to Cosmopolitan, Selling Power, Woman’s World, First for Women, In Touch, Star, Mademoiselle, Playboy, Success!, the New York Post, the Los Angeles Times, and many other publications.

Truly dynamic and informative speakers are rare. Kevin has more energy than the bunny with the drum. He leaves audiences all around the globe with skills and information they never thought they would have. Motivational and inspirational only begin to describe Kevin in person. When companies need a deal closed, Kevin is often the person they call in to make the deal happen today. He has integrity, honesty, heart, and one of the most influential minds on the planet for you and your company.

Kevin holds a doctorate in psychology. His undergraduate degree was in speech communications.

Living in poverty much of his childhood, Kevin learned to sell to earn money early in life. He worked hard to take care of his family of four brothers and sisters with his Mom, after Dad left.

Today Kevin is single and the truly proud father of two amazing children, one a teenager . . . and you wonder why he stays on top of the latest in influence and persuasion?

Preface

I’ll never forget the excitement of finishing The Psychology of Persuasion: How to Persuade Others to Your Way of Thinking. The very first review copy we sent out was to Robert Cialdini, the guru of academic influence and the author of Influence: Science and Practice—the work I had studied in college.

Ten years later John Wiley & Sons, Inc., asked me to pen a book sharing what was new and exciting in the field of influence and persuasion. According to the June 5, 2010 issue of The Independent in the UK, The Science of Influence, First Edition went on to be the 8th most downloaded book in the world for 2009.

Then I considered the research that has transpired in the past decade in this field. There has been research about some of the most incredible facets of influence and persuasion that I only dreamed of 20 years ago. We know so much now that we didn’t know in 1990 or 1995—it is truly awesome.

The Science of Influence is truly a new text for influence in the 2010s. I’ve collected the most profound elements of influence and assembled them into one easy-to-understand, very readable book. And that’s important. Scientific research can be exciting to a scientist but a sleeping pill to the nonspecialist. My work was to take all the research, test it in the real world, and describe it so that anyone can understand it—and then utilize it. My goal is for you to read this book and eventually become comfortable enough with me to have a conversation instead of engage in a science lesson. It’s just you and me.

If I were a quantum physicist, I would probably write Quantum Physics for Kids. Making difficult things easy to understand is one thing I bring to the table that most authors don’t in this very complex field of human behavior. Fortunately I don’t understand quantum physics.

Some of the information in this book is information I had discovered purely by accident (the exciting work in body language and proxemics, for example). There is other information I uncovered in research papers, detailing unique and exciting studies by professors from around the world that no one has ever heard of. I real-world tested their stuff. (Ever hear of Kahneman and Tversky? Gilovich? Dillard? O’Keefe? Gass? That’s what I thought—and they are the biggest names in the field!) The researchers’ results that worked are in here. The stuff that didn’t . . . well, I’m not going to tell them!

“Is there anything really new out there, Kevin?” People ask me this all the time. You know what? There is so much that is new and immediately useful in selling, marketing, presentation skills, even therapists, that I had to pare nearly 1,000 pages of work down to 200!

I was ecstatic to discover a new Law of Persuasion in 2001 and then another in 2009, and that information is here. These findings open new routes to positive responses that we’ve never used before. There is fascinating, new information about presentation order (what do you talk about when, and why). We now know answers to questions that we guesstimated before 2000. There are findings about how to deal with more than one product or option on a product or service. You will be surprised at what you learn. You’re going to change the way you communicate with your friends and family as well.

I’m going to show you the ins and outs of permanent change in other people’s behavior, why it’s difficult—and how you can go about making it happen. You want the customer for life? It’s here, for real, for the first time. No kidding.

You can count on what you read in this book. Take it to the bank. If you use this book in selling, management, therapy, or whatever, you know it is rock solid.

Finally, I want to talk about giving credit. Who discovered what? Who came up with what? I do my best to note the researchers, salespeople, and the academics. I like to be credited when I come up with a brainstorm turned tool and I want to give the same back. If you see a mistake or notice anything that needs to be changed for the next edition, let me know right away. Credit needs to be given, and I do my best to do just that. The bibliography at the back of the book will keep you busy for a few years.

This book is going to change the way you think, and that means it is going to change your life. Be prepared. Be excited.

And remember, let’s have a conversation. No technical stuff. Just sit back, relax, and have fun with The Science of Influence.

—KEVIN HOGAN Minneapolis, Minnesota

Acknowledgments

No book is written without influence and support.

I want to gratefully acknowledge those in my inner circle for their untiring support: Rob Northrup, Steve Chambers, April Braswell, Sonya Lenzo, Sabrina Peterson, Andrew Records, Christian Haller, Larry Hines, Michael Walker, Alam Ghafoor, David Mills, Robert Kaufer, John Bedosky, Gary Moon, Wendy Schauer, Timothy Van Milligan, Shane Kester, Scott Bell, Dale Bell, Jose Escalante, Mike Morgan, Eliot Hoppe, and our senior member Bryan Lenihan.

I’d like to thank those who have diligently helped at Influence Boot Camp: Ken Owens, Cherie Miranda, Jennifer Battaglino, Rebecca Joy, and Joshua Gretz.

I also want to thank those who have made Influence Boot Camp a great experience for the last seven years: Dave Lakhani, Gary May, Eric Knowles, Tonya Reiman, Wendi Friesen, Mark Joyner, Mark Victor Hansen, Deb Micek, Al Duncan, as well as my fantastic autumn event masters—Bill Harris (Centerpointe), Stewart Emery, Larina Kase, JP Micek, Michelle Matteson, and Kate McKeon.

I want to make a special mention of appreciation for Rich Schefrin, Brian Johnson, Jeffrey Gitomer, and Richard Brodie.

Special thanks to the staff at John Wiley & Sons, Inc.: Matt Holt, Dan Ambrosio, Ashley Allison, and Susan Moran.

Here: Mark Hogan, Jessica Hogan, and Katie Hogan.

Finally, it is required that I mention a few close to my heart that I don’t see often enough . . . Mark and Kathy Ryan, Devin and Rachel Hastings, Ron and Jeannie Stubbs, Meredith Kaplan, and Scott and Carmen Schluter.

One thing I know for certain: I’ve once again in my haste, missed someone so dear that when you remind me I will be calling the publisher in the morning.

1

Influencing Others to Change

This book is about getting people to change . . . something—a behavior, an attitude, a product, a service, their relationship to or with you. You want someone to do something different from what they were doing a few minutes ago. You want someone to say yes to you, now. In order for that to consistently happen it would probably be a good idea to know what it is that makes people tick. I want you to know precisely what it is that gets people to not only say yes but, if necessary, say yes all the time!

My life has been about helping people change and teaching others to change people. It’s exciting, it’s fun, and I’ve been fortunate enough to discover many keys that other promoters of influence have neglected to look for. I’ve also been fortunate enough to have access to a world of research from both the academic and real (i.e., private sector) worlds. The process of causing change, getting people to question the status quo, and actually implementing the change in another person’s brain is an exciting process.

Short-term decisions of yes or no are much easier than achieving long-term change. Permanent change is difficult. Period. You go to the same grocery store every week. You go to the same gas stations, attend the same church, take the same route for your daily walk or jog, work out at the same gym ... well, you get the idea. You do the same things every day, and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, the stability of these behaviors can be very positive indeed! In this book you will learn how to get people to say “yes” to you now . . . and help them change over the long term!

Unfortunately, some of the things that people do are in direct opposition with what we want them to do. That’s where influence and persuasion come in handy. Some people smoke cigarettes, do drugs, drink too much, beat their kids, rape, steal, eat too much, hang out with the wrong people in the wrong element, take part in self-destructive behaviors, and fail to act on living what they dream their lives should be about. People universally agree that these are things that need to change in themselves and in others. Agreement and action, of course, are often not related to each other in reality.

Even when people want change it turns out to be something that people desperately fail at. You’d think that if they want to change it would be easy, right? Of course it isn’t that way at all. Why?

The first reason is remarkably simple. Your brain has lots and lots of highways that connect lots and lots of cells. These highways light up with activity every day when you participate in various activities. You think “walk,” and you go for the same walk you always do. When you think “drink,” you will go drink the same liquids you always do. Your brain is literally wired through all of your previous behavior to do exactly what it has in the past. That wiring rarely changes, except by lack of use of the highway system. However, new wiring (new highways) can come about through repetition of new behaviors and through repetition of thoughts, though with murkier results than actual behaviors such as intentionally taking a walk on a different path every day for a few weeks, intentionally eating a new food every day for a few weeks, intentionally taking part in any new behavior every day for a few weeks.

It used to be said that a new habit takes 21 days to form. It now appears that it takes five days to form a new habit that is repeated daily (i.e., to create new neural pathways in the brain). Unfortunately, creating a new habit rarely if ever erases an old habit. That means choice continues to be involved in everyday decisions and change, even though there is a new highway. Getting someone to not eat junk food today is fairly easy; getting the person to do it for a lifetime is another thing altogether. Getting the dream date isn’t as hard as you might think. But getting the person to say yes to a longer-term commitment is another thing altogether.

With this in mind it can be understood that there is no reason to assume that people will be motivated, after today, to perform a newly desired behavior, regardless of what it is. The easy shift back to the strong, well-traveled neural pathways in the brain (which essentially project themselves into your external world) is not only possible, it is likely. Therefore, the person who wants to quit smoking, start eating better, or change any behavior probably won’t, regardless of the motivational device, unless it is consciously and intentionally repeated time after time and day after day for months, at which point it can compete as the more likely to be followed pathway.

The status quo is the status quo for just this reason. That which is familiar is the path of least resistance. This is also why the brain reacts so strongly with a negative response to all but the most familiar requests or behaviors. It takes enormous initial effort to change because one literally must forge new highways in the brain. Once formed, the highways must be strengthened through regular usage and maintained by even further usage.

Do They Even Know What They Want?

Sit down for this one (the second reason change isn’t easy): People don’t know what they want, don’t know how they will feel when they get it, and don’t really know themselves. What does this mean for change?

We each have a conscious mind and a nonconscious mind. Even with hypnosis, you can’t really have two-way communication with the nonconscious mind in any effective and reliable fashion, but you can communicate with the conscious mind. Even more interesting is that the conscious and nonconscious minds appear to have significantly different personality characteristics, attitudes, and motivations.

The nonconscious mind is not a six-year-old child, as has so often been speculated. In fact, sometimes the nonconscious mind is far more useful than its conscious counterpart—but not always.

The conscious mind is able to compute, calculate, compare, contrast, and perform all kinds of impressive cognitive functions. The nonconscious mind makes rapid-fire choices (though rarely decides between two options) under stress, which are more often right than wrong when there is significant experience in a situation (fighting fires, surgery, combat, etc.). The nonconscious also tends to stereotype and categorize people right down to whether someone you meet is like someone you knew in the past and if so assigning them the same traits as the person you once knew. The nonconscious mind doesn’t think per se; it simply does. It experiences a situation and produces some behavior. Objections in sales situations almost always come from this part of the brain.

To override this behavior would take conscious effort on your client’s behalf. That usually doesn’t happen. More typically the conscious mind will create a reason for performing some behavior, when it really has no clue why the body is eating, going to bed, getting in the car, or taking an exit.

The nonconscious mind simply directs the body to act. Its force is usually strong and difficult to change in the short term. Because, as a rule, the nonconscious mind is rooted in deep and old brain function, it doesn’t vocalize its opinions in a rational way. It simply reacts. Generally the nonconscious mind acts in a way that would be consistent with past behaviors in similar situations, meaning that it could save your life or it could overlook important new information and accidentally drive you to your demise. It is a holdover from our evolutionary history. It (the nonconscious) appears to drive almost all animal behavior, with conscious mind functions being limited to a few different kinds of animals.

The nonconscious mind makes rapid-fire choices. It also tends to stereotype and categorize people right down to whether someone you meet is like a person you once knew.

The nonconscious mind deals with now. The conscious mind deals with the future. The nonconscious mind is rigid. The conscious mind is flexible. The nonconscious mind is sensitive to negative information. The conscious mind is sensitive to positive information. The nonconscious is a pattern detector. The conscious is an after-the-fact checker. The nonconscious mind is multisystemic. The conscious mind is a single system.

Conscious MindNonconscious MindFuture.Now.Flexible.Rigid.Sensitive to positive information.Sensitive to negative information.After-the-fact checker.Pattern detector.Single system.Multisystemic.

Because the brain develops these two substantially distinct minds, it’s important to realize that both minds have typical behaviors, and those behaviors are often at odds with each other. The conscious mind may want to be accurate whereas the nonconscious mind wants to feel good.

Internal conflict in most people is very real and very normal. Typically we consciously have an objective or goal (lose weight, get a different job, start your own business, begin a true personal-development phase in your life). However, the nonconscious mind learned early on to fear the unknown. It’s a simple survival mechanism. To walk where we have walked before is generally safe. To stretch our boundaries is often something that seems risky to the nonconscious self, and, therefore, the very idea of these changes can literally feel bad. That gut instinct is probably wrong but that is what the survival mechanism in the brain sends to the body: fear, anxiety, maybe even panic.

The conscious, rational self, which hates the present job, the weak state of personal development, or the fat body, knows that change should take place, but to actually commit to a plan to overcome the status quo where the fear is present is daunting and seemingly counterintuitive.

Complete strangers are almost as good at predicting our behavior as we are ourselves.

Therefore, it is critical to evaluate the emotions of the moment or the day and discover if there is a legitimate, rational signal that your brain is relaying to you. Or is the brain simply telling you it is afraid, and the fear is false evidence appearing real (fear)? If you decide (consciously) that the mind and body are feeling afraid without good cause for the situation at hand, realize that it will take some significant amount of time to overcome the fear of the situation. It certainly won’t go away in a minute, an hour, or a day. Typically it is necessary to wire in a completely new set of responses to the current situation and fight through fear and negative emotions every day until new levels of comfort can be achieved.

One of the great problems of trying to know yourself is that you really can’t completely know yourself. Study after study shows that complete strangers are almost as good at predicting our behavior as we are ourselves. We think we know ourselves, but we really don’t know ourselves as well as we would like to. Because of the way the brain works, though, if we don’t like what we see ourselves doing and thinking, we can change. It is a slow process and often difficult, but once change becomes the status quo, it becomes rigid. So select well.

Two Personalities?

Are we really two personalities woven into one person?

I confess, it’s a funny thing: The personality of the nonconscious mind correlates to a person’s behavior and the person’s conscious mind correlates to a person’s behavior—but the conscious mind and nonconscious mind of that person don’t correlate to each other! Gulp. That’s why people say things like, “I don’t know,” “I have to think about it,” “I’m not sure what I want to do.”

People typically look to make sense of themselves and the world around them. Because we all do and say things that truly surprise us, we must construct (fabricate) a narrative (story) that makes sense of those behaviors that conflict with our intentions. The rationales and explanations help us put the incongruency behind us and move on to other things.

What makes understanding ourselves and others even more difficult is the painfully distorted memories we all carry in the three-pound universe. The brain simply isn’t a video recorder that records events. The brain is a vast array of storehouses and interpreting functions that constantly store, re-store, interpret, and reinterpret our memories and beliefs. False memories are so common that almost every conversation of any length includes reference to at least one memory that never happened.

Recognizing these two defective elements of the human experience (our suspect memory and the dual nature of our personality(ies)), one can understand the arguments, the fights, and the butting of heads that take place in relationships and communication in general between people who have lived through the same events and remembered and interpreted them so differently.

Recent research does show that there is some predictability in how we will respond to other people. For example, a person who is fond of her sister will tend to be fond of people who exhibit behaviors similar to those of the sister.

How do you actually come to know yourself? Pay attention to your behavior in any given situation and you learn who you are. However, even that is suspect because we don’t see ourselves as clearly as we see others. As mentioned, current research reveals that we are better judges of others’ future behavior than we are of our own. We tend to see ourselves in a much better light than we see others, and that light creates a halo effect around what most of us believe about ourselves. We tend to see others more accurately.

The brain is a vast array of storehouses and interpreting functions.

Real estate agents observe the lack of self-knowledge in others every day. They listen while their clients describe the exact house they want. The agents then show them several houses that their clients love and one that they eventually buy that has little in common with what the individuals detailed just hours or days before! Real estate agents figured it out a long time ago: Buyers have no clue what they really want.

And when we do see ourselves behave in some fashion, we often have no idea why we did what we did. A research project had women approach men on a somewhat dangerous footbridge and start a conversation. The same women later approached men seated on a bench away from the footbridge. The results were that 65 percent of the men who were approached on the footbridge asked for a date, while only 30 percent of those on the bench asked for a date. Arousal was attributed incorrectly to the woman on the bridge instead of the actual anxiety-provoking feelings that the man felt on the bridge.

Unfortunately, we don’t have the ability to access the reasons we do these kinds of things, and observation helps only to some degree. Our need to find a reason for behavior, any reason, helps us make sense of our world and make us happy, even if it isn’t accurate.

And what about those faced with difficult decisions in life? Beginning or ending a relationship? Buying a business or not? Buying your product or service!?

The research is compelling. After initially analyzing the problem once, the individual stands a far better chance of making a good determination than another individual who ponders for days, weeks, or months. This is true even when people write out their reasons for their decisions on paper or on a computer. In comparitive studies, individuals seem to make better decisions when gathering enough information, thinking about it, and then deciding versus writing all the reasons for and against an idea. (Ben Franklin is rolling over in his grave . . . and I’m sure I will, too!)

So, with this rather bleak picture of how poorly we make decisions and how poorly we know each other, what is the answer? How can you get people to say yes to you now and in the future?

It appears that going out into the future and speculating on what events and experiences might take place is the best option for creating the changes necessary when conflicted. To be sure, we can’t accurately predict how we will feel in the future. This has been shown in volumes of studies. However, we can gain foresight by specifically seeing ourselves in future situations and determining what course(s) of action will ensure the success.

For years it was thought that journaling was a grand way to determine insight and learn about ourselves. And this is true as long as we do not journal after particularly negative or traumatic experiences that will later taint the story of our lives into being something it was/is not. Instead, it’s best to journal on a consistent basis and describe events and experiences with the realization that negative emotions happen daily in everyone and that in itself is not necessarily a bad thing as long as action is taken on those states to improve the quality of life each and every day. Numerous studies have shown that people who think about the negative emotions that have been recorded actually end up far worse off than they would have had they not reviewed the emotions of the past. Such is the nature of writing history and then rewriting it without the benefit of all the other experiences that happened that day/week/month/year. Result: These people tend to predict a more negative future for themselves than those who do not ruminate. I bring up this crucial point because a lot of us sell products or services that can develop a track record. A car can appear to be reliable or unreliable, but if you just had a minor breakdown today, you will certainly be seeing the car as much less reliable than you had seen it previously.

After initially analyzing the problem once, the individual stands a far better chance of making a good determination than the other individual who ponders for days, weeks, or months.

In the final analysis, the road to changing the self (yours or someone else’s) is about creating behavioral change first, which will almost always lead to attitudinal change. In plain English, that means you have to get people to do something if you want them to say yes.

Three Ways to Change

I want to share with you three ways to change that no one wants you to know about.

What do some major corporations, all military leaders, and many major religions know that most other people don’t?

The military leadership of every world government discovered this first factor ages ago. Every successful religious and spiritual organization found out how to utilize this factor in past millennia. In recent history, beyond the military and spiritual organizations, some major corporations have discovered how to thoroughly and completely change people, modify behavior, and alter attitudes. What’s the first secret? Imagine: boot camp.

You arrive. They cut your hair (if you have any), issue clothing conforming to a specific standard, the same cut and color as everyone else’s. You have a new place to eat and you are told specific times to wake up, eat, and sleep. Your activities are dictated from the beginning of the day to the end of the day. You are looking at dozens of other faces that you have never seen before. Your environment has changed.

There will be phone calls home once each week and you will not be using a telephone or the Internet for the balance of the days. There is very little contact with the outside world.

All of this is necessary to rapidly change your loyalties, behavior, and attitudes so that if you are forced into high-stress situations, like battle, your behavior will be predictable and manageable ... and you will stay alive. You will be taught to watch out for everyone else in the group, and they will be there to support you. An interdependent relationship is being created. There are no independent relationships and there are no independent thinkers allowed.

All of the needs of the military require rapid change, rapid behavior modification, and a rapid restructuring of beliefs. The same changes are facilitated in some large corporations, the large church, some schools, and a few other groups throughout society. The model is powerful and is effective with all but the most stubbornly nonconformist individuals.

The three overlooked principles to change yourself and others begin with changing a person’s environment. Humans, like animals, interact with and respond to their environment far more than we are aware of at the conscious level.

• We act very differently in church than we do . . .

• . . . at the office, and we act differently at the office than we do . . .

• . . . at the football game, and we act differently at the football game than wedo...

• . . . at the dinner table in our homes each night and than we do . . .

• . . . in our hotel rooms.

Why? Cultural rules dictate our behavior at church and in the office. Groupthink or social influence comes into play at the football game as well as the church and office. Personal relationship dynamics enter into the mix at the dinner table, joining the other environments. Finally, the hotel room is most interesting because you are a stranger in an environment without a leader or group to conform to, and often you are by yourself. Thus you are able to discover more about the true nature of who you are because you are most definitely curious about your environment and not quite certain what to do with that environment. This leaves behavior largely unpredictable for you—but very predictable for the hotel chain.

Cultural rules dictate our behavior in public.

You don’t know how you will behave, but the hotel does. The hotel knows what you will do (and charges you handsomely for it). The manager knows you will do at least two of three things in your room that will generate a profit on most stays:

1. You will use the telephone (that’s why local phone calls are $1.50).

2. You will eat a snack (the minibar prices for food and drink about eight times retail prices).

3. You will watch a movie (priced at three times the price of a video).

You may not know that you are going to do these things. In fact, you may bring your own cell phone, your own snacks, and your own DVD player or your computer, and you still utilize the hotel’s services, and they know you will. They know you better than you do, because the environment stimulates behavior.

Key: If you want to change your own or someone else’s behavior, the first thing you can often do is change the environment. If you can control the environment, you can typically predict or create a specific behavior.

It is known how people will behave in church, at the dinner table, at the office, and in the hotel. Deviations can occur, but behavior is remarkably predictable.

People learn how to behave in all of these environments and then they do behave that way. An extroverted individual will be remarkably compliant in the quiet atmosphere of the library. The introverted person will sing out in church and stand up and cheer at the football game. The behaviors are learned and reinforced. People do what they are told, and when they don’t we medicate them so they will comply!

Changing the environment is uniquely powerful in changing behavior. There is no greater single influence. Not genetics, not peer pressure. Not parenting. The environment stimulates behavior, and changing behavior is most easily accomplished in a different environment.

And there is more. The environment can be changed to develop different behaviors. The positions of chairs, furniture, and decor can be altered, thus changing how much people like each other. These alterations also change how (and how much) people interact, which will directly impact whether people will like each other, be more (or less) anxious, and be more (or less) comfortable.

The colors of carpeting, furniture, and walls all change the perceptions of people in the environment and literally change their behavior.

An interesting element in changing the environment is that it tends to change behavior first, rather than the attitude of the individual. This fact is most profoundly noted in many religious institutions, the military of every government, large corporations, and some schools.

When a person is moved from one environment to another, especially when one is unfamiliar with the new environment, the brain has to change; it enters into a state of flux and typically becomes more suggestible.

From the standpoint of your “Self,” this factor can help you determine whether you should remain in the same environment you are in or intentionally change it. From the standpoint of changing the behavior of others, this information helps you know whether you should take a person out to lunch, to dinner, or on a trip—or meet them at an international destination. The further removed from their norm, the more likely it is to gain compliance in most people.

The environment has a dramatic impact on whether someone else will say yes or no to you. It’s the very first indicator that a yes or no is coming. The next indicator is equally controllable: your appearance.

2

The First Four Seconds

SNEAK PREVIEW!

Your body language and your physical appearance will jump-start your instant likability, your persuasiveness, and most importantly how you are perceived by every person who meets you. You have less than 10 seconds and realistically closer to four seconds to make a good first impression on those with whom you come into contact. A world of research clearly indicates that you will be judged professionally and personally in the first few seconds of your meeting someone for the first time. In fact, your first impression is recorded and is used as a yardstick for all future communication by those you meet. Whatever that first impression is going to be on your part, you want it to be intentional and on purpose.

The First Impression

The second that one person sees another, a lot happens in the nonconscious mind. The conscious results are often seemingly instantaneous. Do any of these thoughts sound familiar to you?

“It’s a gut instinct. I don’t like her. I can’t put my finger on it.”

“There’s just something about him that bugs me. I don’t know what it is, but I can always tell.”

“My intuition tells me that he’s just not right.”

People think and feel these thoughts when they observe mixed signals from people they meet. There is an internal conflict between the nonverbal (we’ll call it body language from here on in) and the verbal signals a person receives. The sad part is that people really believe they have good instincts and that they should trust their intuition. Why sad? Because when there are mixed messages in communication, the person tends to say no because something doesn’t feel right.

You see someone new: In the first four seconds of that encounter (or observation!) an incredible amount of processing happens in your brain at the nonconscious level. You’ll never know what went on.

Would you like to have a clue about what is going on in the three-pound machine behind your eyes?

When you first meet someone, millions of neurons in the brain are activated. Your brain immediately wakes up. The brain instantly tries to categorize the person into a certain type. Who is she like? Is that good? Is she attractive? What’s unique about her? What is familiar about her? All of this is done without thought and awareness. It’s the way the brain works. If you had to consciously analyze everything about everyone you meet, you would be so busy at the conscious level that you’d have absolutely no time to think about anything but how they look. Instead, the nonconscious mind immediately goes to work, makes all kinds of judgments and evaluations, and essentially pegs the person as a winner or loser in approximately four seconds.

Sometimes all of this happens in less than four seconds and sometimes it takes a little more time, but in those first moments after one person meets another there is an intensely powerful yes-or-no response. This response is about the person. It has nothing to do with their religion, their political party, or their product or service. It’s just yes or no.

When you first see someone, you instantly categorize and/or filter the person you are observing into one of many different categories. One way the brain categorizes is to make a judgment about whether the person is of high status or low status within the group. That’s important because humans (and animals in general) are wired to be attracted to the more powerful and higher-status individuals in any given group. Another instant filter is whether your brain finds the person attractive, unattractive, or somewhere in between.

The brain also notes whether the individual being observed pays attention to their physical appearance.

The brain does a great deal more than just a little processing in those first few seconds. It also notes the person’s intentionally chosen emblems and adornments (broaches, pins, necklace, rings, other jewelry, makeup, style of glasses, tattoos, and body markings/piercings). All of this is observed, filtered, and categorized almost instantly by the various parts of the brain. Ultimately what happens is that you get a response or reaction inside that indicates to you whether you accept and maybe like all that you see or (more likely) that you are disinterested or do not like what you see.

There is nothing fair, politically correct, or reasonable about this process. It is an instant evaluation that is almost always permanent and rarely given a conscious—or second—thought. The exception occurs when someone you see is on the edge. There are some people you see to whom your initial response to is yes. Yes, you like them; yes, they are attractive; yes, they have taste; and yes, they appear to be healthy and so on. Most people you see are processed, literally, as no. The answer to a question they might ask you is a polite but certain no. The amount of respect you would have for them is negative. They simply are no. But there is a small group of people to whom you say maybe, regardless of whether a question has been asked. This group of people includes people who are on the edge. This group is the only one that doesn’t get a nonconscious yes or no. They get a “hmmmmm. . . .” Like the yes people, they get your attention but you wonder about them. Something doesn’t seem right about them. What is it?

When you first see someone, you instantly categorize and/or filter the person you are observing.

It’s the fact that, unlike the majority of people whom you instantly filter into yes and no piles, certain people are surrounded with ambiguity as far as the brain’s processing of them is concerned. Perhaps they are not attractive, but they have taste and style, and you approve of other filters as well. Or perhaps they are attractive but they have numerous body markings and piercings that give you pause to wonder about them. These people fall into a maybe-yes category.

By the way, no question has been asked yet. No one has said hello. They may not even have looked at you, but you have already said yes, no, or maybe and you haven’t a clue about who they are or whether you will meet them.

You simply walked past each other in the terminal at the airport or in the hall at the office. You don’t know this person. They might have an appointment with you or you may never say hello to them in your life. But you do say yes or no long before you say hello, and that is why they must do everything they can to get you to say yes, even when they don’t know you are there. You must do the same if you are to hear yes once you communicate with someone.

Most men don’t see a woman’s body type first; they see her face. Most women don’t see a man’s face first; they see his body type. (Throughout this book you will discover that men and women think very differently and communicate very differently. Understanding what is important to the majority of men and women will help you hear yes far more often than you will hear no.)

The instant you first see someone, and long before you even are aware that that someone is going to say hello to you, you have already said yes or no to them and they have already said yes or no to you.

To overcome these initial and instant impressions takes an enormous amount of conscious effort.

To overcome these initial and instant impressions takes an enormous amount of conscious effort. The instant impression is still somewhat permeable and could be overruled; it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. It’s much easier to radiate a powerful and positive impression at all times so you never have to determine whether you are exhibiting a positive impression!

In the next three seconds—long before people say hello—most decisions are becoming less permeable. Time is short for you to get from maybe/ no to maybe/yes.

It makes no difference whether you are selling cars, showing real estate, going into a conference with the sixth-grade teacher, searching for a mate, or watching the church soloist. The maybe/approve, maybe/disapprove reaction is instantaneous. It’s nonconscious. You aren’t even aware you made the judgment except in those few cases when someone is on the edge. You simply made the decision—except you didn’t. Your nonconscious mind made the decision and you had nothing to do with it!

It seems absolutely absurd to think that someone will instantly evaluate you for a job, a relationship, a business deal, or anything, for that matter, based on an instant impression! But remember, every human being alive makes these nonconscious evaluations.

The First Appearance in Action

In 2002, I asked the owner of an adult learning facility to let me host a speed-dating night. I just wanted to learn whether people could really make a no,-I-don’t-want-to-ever-date-this-person or yes,-I’d-like-to-go-on-another-date-with-this-person decision in six minutes.

The promotion went in the catalog as an evening where you could have 10 dates or more with 10 different people in two hours. Total price? $49. As I expected, the turnout was impressive.

Each date lasted six minutes. Exactly six minutes. At the end of each six minutes the individuals would write Y or N on a three-by-five-inch note card with their name/number and their date’s name/number. If the two people both wrote Y, the cards were put into their envelope and given to them at the end of the evening.

I observed all 18 pairs of people through each of their dates and took notes about what was happening in their particular date. I then predicted whether the pair would match or not. (As expected, the vast majority of course did not match.) Some of what I learned is detailed later in the book. Most interestingly, when I privately interviewed individuals at the end of the evening, almost everyone said they had no need for the full six minutes of date time. They knew in the first few seconds whether they would be interested in dating the person again. There were two people who said they would have liked more time than six minutes to decide with at least one other person. Other than that, everyone knew almost immediately, just as predicted.

Your perceived level of attractiveness by other people will be a significant benefit or detriment in your career, in your relationships, and throughout all aspects of your life. It isn’t fair, but it is true. People who are not especially attractive learn how to deal with less than perfect physical features and work with what they have. Before we consider just how to increase your face value, let’s look at the results of some fascinating studies about physical appearance.

Your perceived level of attractiveness by other people will be a significant benefit or detriment in your career, in your relationships, and throughout all aspects of your life.

The Power of Physical Appearance

Did you know that, in university settings, professors who are considered physically attractive by students are considered to be better teachers on the whole than unattractive professors? Attractive professors are also more likely to be asked for help on problems. These same attractive professors also tend to receive positive recommendations from other students to take their classes and also are less likely to receive the blame when a student receives a failing grade! (Romano and Bordieri 1989)

A wide variety of research indicates that men’s marriage and dating decisions are often made with great weight placed on physical attractiveness. They will often reject women who are lacking (in their opinion) in positive physical features. Women, on the other hand, place less significance on a man’s physical attractiveness in considering him for a date or marriage, according to studies by R. E. Baber. Recent research in 2009 contradicts this earlier finding, so perhaps women are evolving whereas men have stopped....

In studies by J. E. Singer done on college campuses, it has been proven that attractive females (attraction as perceived by the professors) receive significantly higher grades than male students or relatively unattractive females.

There is more evidence that shows you must make the most of what you have physically. Among strangers, studies by D. Byrne, O. London, and K. Reeves show that individuals perceived as unattractive in physical appearance are generally undesirable for any interpersonal relationship.

In one significant study of 58 unacquainted men and women in a social setting, Brislin and Lewis found that, that after a first date, 89 percent of the people who sought a second date decided to do so because of attractiveness of the partner.

In the persuasion process, Mills and Aronson found that attractive females are far more convincing than females perceived as unattractive.

The Two Big Questions

(1) Where does all this come from? (2) Can I be persuasive if I’m not what most people think is physically attractive? The answer to the second question is yes!

The answer to the first question is a bit of a story. It all started when you were a baby. The baby is born and in less than three days the baby will imitate simple behaviors like smiling, frowning, and sticking her tongue out. Within a few more days the baby gains a clear vision of her environment and she now is able to focus on people, easily distinguishing Mom from other people. When Mom leaves the room and the baby is shown picture after picture of stranger after stranger, the baby looks at those photographs of people who are physically attractive for a much longer time than those people in the photographs who aren’t physically attractive. The desire to look at beautiful people (and symmetrical objects, by the way) is prewired into the little baby’s brain.

There are more distinctions in the infant’s observational patterns. The infant prefers looking at faces that are smiling to those with a scowl or frown. This response is also prewired into the infant.

Even more startling, though, is the behavior of the mother with the baby. Mothers of babies who are perceived as attractive are more likely to gaze at their babies and allow no distractions from the world around them. Babies who are perceived (independently) as unattractive are more likely to be cared for in the sense of having their diapers changed, being burped, and being fed, with secondary attention paid to the babies’ faces.

The mother, of course, is unaware of her behavior contrasted with other mothers. Her behavior to gaze at beauty was prewired in her at birth as well. The experience of the enjoyment of beauty begins in the gene and is further shaped in infancy.

It appears one reason that most children are perceived as beautiful by their parents is that the perception acts as a survival mechanism for the baby. What else would stop us from acting out when the little one is prone to endlessly whine? (There is more stopping us than the irresistibility of the infant, but it is a very good thing the baby is irresistible!)

Throughout nature the beautiful and colorful animals of a species fare better in mating, survival, and acquisition of resources. This includes humans. One recent study revealed that most of the wealth acquired by women in the world today is acquired by the most attractive women. Some of this wealth is acquired through inheritance, some through marriage, and some through the women’s work.

The survival instinct is strong in women, and the genes that shape a woman’s beauty and her response to beauty encourage her to optimize her appearance. This has been true for millions of years. Today, Madison Avenue exploits this survival instinct, and women drive the cosmetics and “look-good” industry to being one of the most important industries in the world. The cosmetics industry employs more people than most industries in the world. In Brazil, there are more Avon representatives than military personnel. The business of looking good continues into the twenty-first century some two million years after it began . . . and it’s still going strong.

Madison Avenue didn’t create beauty, though, nor does Madison Avenue set the standard of beauty. Far from it. There are more than two dozen countries in the world that place a higher value on physical attractiveness than do Americans. Typically these cultures do so because attractiveness is often a clue about the healthiness of a spouse. Countries that are disease-ridden, especially parasitic disease, are homes to individuals aspiring to mate with physically attractive people.

Volumes of research reveal that girls and women who are perceived as attractive get better grades on tests, earn more money on the job, and marry husbands with more resources (money and education, generally) than other women. Something seems politically incorrect about all of this, but the facts speak loudly. The physical attractiveness factor is important in relationships, culture, and the survival of the species—of all species.

Among men in military academies, those who are physically attractive tend to go on to better careers than those who are average or perceived as unattractive. There is also a preference for attractive men by women upon initial contact, but this preference isn’t as great as other traits considered desirable by women.