May 4.
How happy I am that I am gone! My
dear friend, what a thing is the heart of man! To leave you, from
whom I have been inseparable, whom I love so dearly, and yet to
feel happy! I know you will forgive me. Have not other attachments
been specially appointed by fate to torment a head like mine? Poor
Leonora! and yet I was not to blame. Was it my fault, that, whilst
the peculiar charms of her sister afforded me an agreeable
entertainment, a passion for me was engendered in her feeble heart?
And yet am I wholly blameless? Did I not encourage her emotions?
Did I not feel charmed at those truly genuine expressions of
nature, which, though but little mirthful in reality, so often
amused us? Did I not—but oh! what is man, that he dares so to
accuse himself? My dear friend, I promise you I will improve; I
will no longer, as has ever been my habit, continue to ruminate on
every petty vexation which fortune may dispense; I will enjoy the
present, and the past shall be for me the past. No doubt you are
right, my best of friends, there would be far less suffering
amongst mankind, if men—and God knows why they are so fashioned—did
not employ their imaginations so assiduously in recalling the
memory of past sorrow, instead of bearing their present lot with
equanimity. Be kind enough to inform my mother that I shall attend
to her business to the best of my ability, and shall give her the
earliest information about it. I have seen my aunt, and find that
she is very far from being the disagreeable person our friends
allege her to be. She is a lively, cheerful woman, with the best of
hearts. I explained to her my mother’s wrongs with regard to that
part of her portion which has been withheld from her. She told me
the motives and reasons of her own conduct, and the terms on which
she is willing to give up the whole, and to do more than we have
asked. In short, I cannot write further upon this subject at
present; only assure my mother that all will go on well. And I have
again observed, my dear friend, in this trifling affair, that
misunderstandings and neglect occasion more mischief in the world
than even malice and wickedness. At all events, the two latter are
of less frequent occurrence.