A Man Who Is Not A Man E-Book

Thando Mgqolozana

• Herausgeber: CASSAVA REPUBLIC
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

After Lumkile is arrested for robbery, his estranged mother appears and removes him to the Eastern Cape, where he makes a fresh start – reinventing himself at a new school and falling in love. When the time comes for Lumkile to enter manhood by undergoing a ritual circumcision, he prepares eagerly for the ceremonies ahead. However, in his makeshift hut on the mountain, Lumkile realises that something has gone terribly wrong. Having been taught that 'what happens at the mountain stays at the mountain' he faces a stark choice: to seek medical help and risk being forever ostracised and labelled as a 'failed man'; or to suffer life-changing injuries or even death. This deftly written novel is one young man's intimate account of a botched circumcision, and his journey to accept his fate and embrace his future, as he gains a deeper understanding of what it really means to be a man.

Leseprobe

A MAN WHO IS

NOT A MAN

Thando Mgqolozana

Abuja – London

First published in 2020 by Cassava Republic Press

Abuja – London

Copyright © Thando Mgqolozana

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transported in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher of this book.

The moral right of Thando Mgqolozana to be identified as the Author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Nigeria and British Library.

ISBN 9781913175023

eISBN 9781913175030

Book design by AI’s Fingers

Cover Design by Alex Kirby

Printed and bound in Great Britain by Bell and Bain Ltd., Glasgow

Distributed in Nigeria by Yellow Danfo

Distributed in the UK by Central Books Ltd.

Distributed in the US by Consortium Books

Table of contents

Title page

Copyright

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Support A Man Who Is Not a Man

This story is about how I came to have an abnormal penis. So, there you have it: my genitalia is not the normal type. By that I mean it hasn’t got the distinctive lollipop shape with a knobbly head that most men boast of.

Let me say that’s not because I was born this way. When I was a boy, the potential and everything was there, you know. There are no funny stories related about me at birth. Some boys get told that their willies were so small their mothers gave them girls’ names. Me, I was a real boy from the get-go, with both my balls fully descended and the promising look that I would one day own a formidable loin. But Satan had other plans.

Have you ever wondered what happens to abakhwetha whose circumcision fails at the bush? You have seen their sorrowful white-smeared faces and bulgy bloodshot eyes. You have seen their ugly shaven heads weighed down with shame and disappointment. I’m talking about the young Xhosa boys whose misfortune affords them the costly opportunity to grab news headlines.

If you belong to the zero point zero zero one per cent of South Africans who have not heard about or seen these boys, I suggest you consult your nearest media house. The Eastern Cape’s Daily Dispatch must hold the record for such stories on its archived front pages. Call up the newspaper first thing tomorrow and write your thesis on it.

You may want to formulate your hypothesis according to the following questions: Who exactly are these miscreants whose circumcision fails? What type of people were they before they were circumcised? What happens to them at the mountain? And who do they become afterwards? That’s an important one: who do they become.

Well, you might not need to call up that newspaper anymore, because here I am. I’m one of those survivors! And this is what I have become: a survivor, not a victim. Victims are the lot who didn’t make it through to lunch. They are the ones who just give up on life after their tragedy. Some die from septicaemia and dehydration, some decide to quit life, literally. Others live on but resign themselves to a lifetime of shame and ridicule, surrendering to the traditional penalties demanded by other men whenever they are found out. I used to think that those were the victims. And that I and others like me, who choose to disappear mysteriously into society after our ordeal, were the survivors. But I was wrong. I’ve come to understand that living in fear of being found out, constantly having to hide what I am, is not the survival I want.

That word “survivor” is an interesting one. It means a lot more than simply resolving not to commit suicide or being able to put up with the social exclusion. It involves more than pretending I have defeated my pain while I’m still hurting from it. Or clinging to the eternal hope that one day I will be rescued from my misery by some external force and remade into a man the right way, so I can live happily ever after with my deformed penis.

You see, survival starts from within, like a pregnancy, a tiny seed that gradually grows stronger, expanding day by day. As a so-called failed man, I have had to gain a new understanding of myself in context. I no longer look at my world in the same way, through the world’s eyes; a recipe for discrimination, that! I have had to learn to look through my eyes, and then adjust the world’s view of the way it looks at me. But to do that, I first had to accept and love who I have become. That hasn’t been quick or easy. It has taken me a long time to understand that I don’t have to live by the conditioning of my society, which determines my acceptance into it or otherwise. My self-image is no longer dependent on what my society thinks of me but what I think of it.

Writing this story is my way of bringing finality to that process. I’m laying the ghosts to rest, so to speak. I would like to think that I am neither stuck in one village called Victimhood, where there are pitiable moans, nor in the neighbouring one called Victimville, where “what ifs” punctuate every sentence. If you want to reach me, I can be found at Survivorville, down Hope Street, at Self-acceptance City.

1

Waking up into the sudden brightness of that room hurt my eyes. I used my hand to cover my glued eyelids and wipe the sleep off them. The fluorescence was so bright it penetrated my palms. I rubbed my eyelids with my fists, hoping to unglue them and regain my sight; I could not. There was this vast heaviness that would not allow my eyelids to lift, as if the brightness had welded them shut. A soft and gentle voice called my name. It reminded me of the comforting voice of my first grade teacher. I struggled some more with my eyelids and suddenly, they flipped open. God must have had a reason to keep them shut for so long because when they finally did open, I woke up to a world of sorrow.

‘Is something the matter, mfana?’ asked the first-grade-teacher voice that had earlier intruded on my sleep. I had been dreaming about the five remaining stones at my hut. I looked in the direction of the voice, which was coming from above me, and saw not the weathered visage of my teacher, but the smooth and beautiful face of an angel. The face belonged to a nurse in a white uniform with maroon epaulettes. She had a gold necklace draped around her neck and a name badge pinned to her right breast pocket. Her relaxed hair was pushed back from her face and tied into a ponytail at the back.

‘Is something the matter, mfana? Do you need something?’ the nurse asked again, softly. She glanced in the direction of the other patients in the ward, who were asleep, then brought her attention back to me, widening the whites of her eyes.

‘No...’ I said. I was still a little confused. Maybe I was hoping that all of this was part of the dream I had been having, from which I would suddenly awaken for real. As the seconds ticked away, it became clear that I was not dreaming. I was a patient, admitted to a hospital.

The nurse reached up to check the half-full saline bag hanging over me. She turned it, observing the rhythm of the tiny drops that dripped from it. I realised that the saline bag was inserted into my wrist. I imagined I felt each tiny drop entering my blood vessels and travelling up my arm to my shoulder, where it disappeared.

‘Well... I will let you sleep, then.’

She pulled the panic button out from under my pillow and hung it on the wall above my head. Then she patted my bed and walked away towards the mouth of the ward. I watched her as she checked on the other patients. She switched the overhead light off and walked out without looking back.

In my heart, the chest people beat faster and harder as sober reality drifted in. I pulled my pillow up and adjusted it so that I had a full view of the ward. The lights in the corridor provided enough illumination for me to see by. I looked at the window on my right and saw darkness behind the blinds, telling me it was still night-time.

My eyes browsed the ward. There were three beds on each side. Each bed was framed by curtains which could be drawn around the bed when needed. At the bottom of the beds were those adjustable trolley tables, where they put the patient folders. I was in the corner bed on the side furthest from the mouth of the ward. The ward, the beds, the linen — everything was engulfed in whiteness.

I noticed that the two patients on my left had covered their heads with the white hospital blankets. The bed opposite me was vacant, but the two next to it also had patients in them. They were asleep, and the light had not disturbed them. They both lay on their backs, knees drawn up, in the position in which initiates must sit at the mountain, knees up all the time. I realised that the two patients must be in a similar situation to me. At the thought of my own condition, the chest people started to thud faster again. I recalled my arrival here.

It must have been about 8pm when my grandfather and I walked into the lit foyer. I had my white blanket draped around me and my face was still smeared in white clay.

My eyes were bloodshot; I hadn’t slept for the past three days and nights. Grandfather was wearing his usual blue overall coat. His hands were clasped behind him, one on top of the other, in the way he holds them when he is angry about something. His lips were shaking and the watery eyes narrowed, as if to avoid seeing what was to happen next. I hung back as we walked into the brightness of the hospital. I was no longer used to the glare of electric light. On the mountain, I had had only a tiny handmade lamp that gave off light no stronger than a candle.

I lagged behind Grandfather as we walked into the waiting area. Dozens of maroon chairs stood vacant on our left. Dozens of wheelchairs were parked against the wall on our right. The distance that we walked was probably no more than 15 metres from the van that had brought us, but I missed my leaning stick even so. In the three days and nights that I had spent on the mountain, I hadn’t once stood up straight. If I wasn’t sitting then I was kneeling, or standing half-bent, balanced against my stick, inventing tactics to endure the agonising pain. The blanket was giving me problems as well. The only time it had had any real use was when I was first brought to the mountain. Then, I was grateful to be covered in it, since it helped to conceal the amount of pain I was in. At the hut, it had served as my sofa, since we weren’t allowed to lie down and sleep. Now it felt cumbersome, draped around me while I was trying to hold myself upright. I gave up on walking erect and stayed bent over, like a 114-year-old grandfather. My own grandfather glanced at me with an I-have-a-good-mind-to-boot-you-in-the-ribs look as he walked towards the nurse at Enquiries. I sat down on one of the maroon chairs, resolving to keep my eyes cast down. I was ashamed of my situation and I wished everybody could understand that I wasn’t there by choice.

‘Good evening, tata,’ said the nurse from across the counter.

‘Evening, mntanam,’ Grandfather replied.

‘I can see you have brought the boy.’

‘Hmm... yes, mntanam. It is like that...’

There was no describing that “hmm” of his. It conveyed all the anger and defeat he felt at having to hand over his grandson.

‘Alright, tata,’ the nurse said. I dropped my eyes as soon as she switched her attention to me. I wasn’t ready to answer questions about what had brought me there. Not in front of everyone. Especially not Grandfather. No.

There was silence.

I could feel their eyes boring into my head as I looked at the tiled floor. I wished they would hurry up and do what they had to so that I could be admitted and placed in an empty side ward, where I wouldn’t have to be seen by people. I did not want to encounter any more faces. I was not used to faces, or human smells, or speech, or anything. I was no longer a person, I was a different kind of being from these people. I did not belong here with them. I did not belong in any place with people, especially not women. But there I was, defying the customs and tradition and destroying the whole culture.

I noticed for the first time that my heels were starting to crack. They were grey from the ash of the fire. I hid them under the blanket and glanced at my thumb nail, which appeared to have gathered something like grey mud under it. The smoothness of the tiles and their coldness irritated me. I wasn’t used to smooth floors like that. It had been three days and nights since I had felt anything but earth under my feet. Three days and nights; that’s a long time.

Let me tell you, five minutes at the bush is equivalent to 24 hours outside of it. That’s about one thousand one hundred and fifty-two hours that I had spent in that hut alone. Things had to be strange. Even to sit on such a thing as a plastic chair felt awkward.

I heard the flip of pages as the nurse wrote down the details that Grandfather was mumbling to her.

‘Okay, we are done for now, tata. I will call the porter to transport him with a wheelchair to the doctor’s room,’ the nurse told my grandfather.

‘Mmh,’ he responded. I know in his mind he bellowed ‘Wheelchair?’ I didn’t dare look up, although I was tempted to. Staring at the floor, I saw a pair of scuffed black boots standing right in front of me. They looked formidable, with their thick soles and steel toes. The legs in them were covered in blue overall trousers. They were my grandfather’s boots. Something about the way they stood there made me wish I was invisible. The head people started to ask tricky questions such as: Why is this man standing so close to us? Is he about to boot us in the ribs? I readied myself to jump the moment I saw him aiming his legs at me.

‘Mister Ugly, your services are needed, sir,’ the nurse called out in isiXhosa. I saw my grandfather’s boots turn away and move forward a little. What a relief! But the head people told me he could still heel me on the chin. As I was readying myself to be heel-booted, a pair of flat navy pushes shuffled themselves out from behind the counter and went to stand next to Grandfather’s boots. The pushes faced the other way, too. The legs on the pushes had stockings on them.

‘Mister Ugly, sir, please help this young man to the examination room,’ the polite nurse requested. It wasn’t long before I saw grey wheels parking next to me. The shoes behind the grey wheels were so black and shiny I could imagine the nurses lining up to use them as a mirror when putting on their lipstick. The legs in the shiny shoes were in navy-coloured trousers. All the shoes in front of me then turned to face my bare feet. I swallowed and raised my head just enough to see above their knees.

‘Do you think he can manage to hop onto the chair on his own, tata?’ enquired the person in shiny black shoes.

‘He is not sick... he does not need this thing,’ Grandfather said.

‘He would not be here if he was not sick, tata,’ countered the voice from the navy pushes. I settled the debate by gathering up my white blanket and hopping onto the wheelchair. The person in shiny shoes wheeled me into another room with even brighter lights. The hospital smell was more concentrated here. I waited for the other sets of shoes to shuffle into the room along with us, and was surprised when they didn’t. The person in the shiny shoes did not give me too much time to cogitate on this. The shiny shoes brought this person up in front of me, very close.

What the hell? I thought.

‘What business do you have in this place, mkhwetha?’ asked the voice belonging to the only shoes in the room. Before I could respond, the brown hands of the shiny-shoed person peeled open my white blanket around the waist area, giving him a full view of my limb. I felt his bulgy eyes survey the state of my limb with murderous scrutiny. As he opened the blanket, I smelt the familiar rotting odour from before. I felt my nausea return.

‘Shit! What have you done, mkhwetha?’ said the voice of the shiny-shoed person as he covered up my waist area again. He must have been offended by the smell, judging by the way he threw the blanket back so quickly. I swallowed as I contemplated an answer to the what-have-you-done question. It was such an accusing question. To be honest, it made me feel guilty, never mind feeling like a decaying dog.

‘Uhm... I did not do anything, it just...’ I began to say, when the voice of the only person in the room roared at me:

‘It can’t just be like this. You must have done something. Where is your attendant?’ He was full of acrimonious questions.

I hated it.

‘I was not allocated one.’ I simply told him the truth, but not without hesitation.

‘What?’ he roared in disbelief. There was silence.

‘How long were you up there?’ he asked, still accusatory.

‘Three days–’

‘Just three days,’ he said, cutting me off before I could tell him it was actually three days and three nights. The shiny shoes walked my accuser away towards the door restlessly. They came back and stood in the same position that they had been standing in ten hours ago. Yes, it felt like ten hours.

‘What business do you have in this place, then?’ he asked again. I could not answer. It was such a heavy question. How could I, for the life of me, admit my failure? How do you tell another man that you have come to hospital for help, without implying that you have failed to be a man the supposed way?

At that point, a pair of brown leather shoes strode in from the adjoining room. The legs above the brown shoes were in khaki trousers. The outside door opened and, to my relief, the shiny shoes left the room. What a session it had been!

‘Hey, buddy. I’m Doctor...’ The new voice mentioned the name of the person to whom the brown shoes belonged. A very pale hand appeared, offering a handshake. I was relieved to see its paleness. The cultural barrier between the owner of that hand and I served as a source of mental and emotional security. I was tempted to hold the hand. Except, at that time I wasn’t shaking hands with humans. The pale hand obviously didn’t know that.

The pale hand’s owner took a three-hour walk away from me towards the small wheels at the other end of this very bright room. I heard the rustling of papers.

There was a three-hour silence.

For the first time in two thousand hours, I lifted my head up. The lifting of my head coincided with the opening of the door. A beautiful nurse walked in.

‘How are we doing?’ The soft and gentle voice of my first-grade teacher had returned.

‘Uhm...’ I replied. I nodded my head, not knowing how I could describe the way I was doing.

‘What have we here?’ the nurse asked no one in particular.

She helped herself to my blanket, peeling it open and shooting her eyes at what was inside.

‘Mmh,’ she said.

That’s what she said: ‘Mmh’. Then she took about eighty-nine minutes before she added: ‘You see, you took too long to come here, bhuti.’

She went to the doctor and they both put gloves on while they conspired. I heard something about “gangrene”, “speedy surgery” and “possible amputation”. Yes, those things.

The nurse came back to me, holding giant silver scissors big enough to qualify as a makeshift lawn mower. She used them to cut the goatskin strip from around my waist. The length of it was still bandaged around the decaying thing that my limb had become. I helped her to undo some of the paraphernalia from my limb. I let her discard most of it, but not my leather strip.

The doctor examined my limb while she scribbled things on a page in her folder. I wish I could remember the small talk that the good doctor shared with me while he inspected my defeated limb. It was grey, numb and smelt worse than fresh defecation, more like the decaying body of a stray dog.

The nurse filled a silver basin with lukewarm water. She poured things in it and wheeled it over to me. She clamped small gauze swabs with the forceps and wiped and wiped from my limb. It was very uncomfortable, this whole thing. She removed chunks and chunks of what she called “debris” from my limb. Apparently, my limb was more debris than it was, in fact, a limb. She wiped and wiped some more, until she had to open a new packet of swabs. Exactly fifty-four hours later, when she had finished wiping, she smeared brown stuff with a flat wooden stick onto small squares of gauze from the pile on the tray. When the brown marmite stuff filled most of the swabs, she wrapped what was left of my limb with them. Then she bandaged me all the way round.

While she was busy, the doctor told me he would advise my grandfather to go home, because it was obvious that I was going to be admitted. He asked if I needed anything from Grandfather. I said no.

‘And the blanket?’ he asked.

‘I’ll keep it,’ I replied without hesitation. What was Grandfather going to do with a stained white blanket, spotted with drops of blood, at the village?

After the nurse’s treatment, I felt much more comfortable, physically. It was as if my body had been relieved of something burdensome, something heavier than just the debris. I was given a blue gown to wear that left most of my back uncovered. But I was used to nakedness. I was then wheeled off by Mr Ugly, the porter. As soon as he came in, my eyes dropped down automatically. I would not lift them up again until he’d parked me safely at ward number six.

As I entered, there was some twisting and turning from the other patients, who were asleep by then. The time must have been something to ten, although it felt like a year had passed since I’d first entered the hospital building. I was shown the panic button thing under my pillow and told to press it if I needed anything. I slid between the cold white sheets. It felt very uncomfortable to me, sleeping in a bed. I wasn’t used to it. In fact, I wasn’t used to sleeping at all. I must have drifted off at some stage, though, with my hand on that panic button thing. It was probably the solution in the saline bag, which they’d said would help the pain and inflammation, that knocked me out.

When I next came to consciousness, it was to the depressing knowledge that sleep had not wiped out the nightmare of my reality. Things had gone horribly wrong on the mountain, and I had failed to complete my passage into manhood. I had not become a man the supposed way.

But before I ended up what I am today, dear reader, I had a life.

2

When the schools re-opened at the beginning of the year in 2001, I enrolled at Zweledinga High School, in a village called Yonda in the Eastern Cape. I was 18 years old and commencing my grade 12; a year older than most of my classmates. That is because I had flunked grade 11 in 1999 when I was living in Cape Town.

My friend Moeketsi and I had spent more time outside the classroom than in it, playing soccer or smoking Swati zols in the school toilet block. The two of us rarely made it to class, except on rainy days. There was no point in staying outside the classroom when it was raining, since the only dry place you could be stationed was the toilet block. Aside from smelling bad, this increased the chance of your being bust. There was also no point in bunking class when you had no zol. So only on the rare occasions when it was raining and we also had no zol did Moeketsi and I attend class. That is why we did not get promoted to the next level.

I repeated my grade 11 in 2000 and succeeded the second time round. Coincidentally, Moeketsi’s parents had withdrawn him from the school that year. I was lonely, I had no other friends there. The other bastards in my class thought they were better and cleverer than me just because I’d flunked a year. My new classmates were, in any case, too young for me; our minds were not at the same level at all.

At the end of that year my mother came to fetch me from Cape Town. I had not seen her in years, but it had somehow reached her ears that I’d been bust twice for doing crime, and that I was smoking lots of zol and stuff. True, I was bust twice, once by the police, but it was nothing major.

The first incident happened with Killer and Voice, my chommies in Gugulethu. We were out on one of our “redistribution” missions in the rich suburbs. It was Voice who had first come up with the idea of car radios. He’d persuaded us that we could make a lot of money if we sold them. This was going to be an easier alternative to the housebreaking we were already doing – which was too risky and strenuous. With housebreaking, there was always the possibility you would have to kill or be killed. We’d been lucky so far. But we were getting increasingly anxious about our luck running out. So Killer and I bought into the new idea without hesitation. It wasn’t just anyone but Voice, the mastermind, who had brought up this idea, after all. Voice was our brains. Killer was our muscle, and I contributed with my bravery. My name is Lumkile, but the other two called me Bravo.

We three were the role models of our kasi. When they saw us together, young boys got inspired. Oongwana were flattered by our attention, while the grown-ups were quiet and polite around us. This is because they knew what we were capable of, though we were always careful not to do ugly things in ekasi. But really, what gained us respect was that we played football.

Let me tell you, there was no Shining Stars Football Club without the three of us. That is why Ta’Diski, the coach, called us into his kamer and treated us to a long belting session when he heard of our wayward actions outside kasi. He was the first to suggest that what we needed was ukwaluswa. Among the traditional-leaning people, you know those who consult their ancestors for every little thing, ukwaluswa is the go-to remedy for mischievous behaviour like ours. Ta’Diski wasn’t interested in excuses that we were starving. He just regretted the wasted talent and thought circumcision would solve everything.

The day that it all went wrong started as normal. As soon as we came back from school, my friends and I went around our little kasi gathering enough money for ten Swati zols and a twenty pack of cigarettes.

Voice, the strategist, had checked the weather and told us there was a 60 per cent chance of rain that night – perfect weather for the job. It was always safer to break into cars when it was raining, because when the weather was like that people tended to stay indoors. We usually targeted the southern suburbs in our Operation Redistribution, since lots of whites stayed there and it was well known that they were the loadedguys. Besides which, we figured they owed us something, on account of apartheid and all.