Adulting 101 Book 2 E-Book

Josh Burnette

• Herausgeber: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Seitenzahl: 326

Beschreibung

Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional. Welcome to your twenties: the land of in-between. It's a decade of transition and change that carries an expectation of figuring it all out by thirty. Many of us launch into this season of life feeling woefully unprepared and anxious, wondering how we can already feel so lost. Adulting 101 Book 2: #liveyourbestlife provides you with a clear vision of what a healthy adult looks like, equips you with the necessary tools to begin a meaningful adulthood, and offers critical resources to fulfill your purpose. With relatable stories, relevant research, and input from trusted mental health professionals, this book will help you: - assess yourself honestly - implement lasting, healthy habits - develop social awareness and emotional and cultural intelligence - cultivate grit and resilience - identify signs of anxiety, depression, and loneliness and gain coping skills Your twenties are an opportunity to shape yourself into the adult you want to become. Be the best you and live your best life.

Leseprobe

Every young adult needs Adulting 101. While Josh and Pete’s first book taught readers what an adult does, this book shows readers who an adult is. Adulting 101 teaches you how to fail well, develop grit, cultivate wisdom, manage conflict, and most importantly how to know yourself and others. Become who you were meant to be and give the gift of personal growth with this book.

—Bob Goff, Author of New York Times Best Sellers Love Does, Everybody Always, and Dream Big

If you’re a twenty-something, or if you have a twenty-something in your life, this is the book for you. With their signature honesty and entertaining storytelling, Burnette and Hardesty show how to take the journey into adulthood with maturity, confidence, and boldness.

—Daniel H. Pink, Author of New York Times Best Sellers When and Drive

Everything you need to know for less stress and more success in the real world is right here. You don’t have to figure it all out yourself. Adulting 101 is your road map.

—Valorie Burton, CEO of The Coaching and Positive Psychology Institute and Author of national Best Seller Successful Women Think Differently

Adulting 101 Book 2 is one of the most helpful guides to growing up that you’ll find. This book will transform your understanding of yourself, others, and the world around you in order to become a healthy, fulfilled adult. With their funny stories and profound truths, Josh and Pete provide a compass for twenty-somethings to navigate their inner life. This is the roadmap you’ve been looking for and one you will return to again and again.

—Mark Batterson, Author of New York Times Best Seller The Circle Maker

Self-examination can be a painful gift. It can create clarity of focus and appetite for change that normally doesn’t exist, but it takes courage to go there. Pete and Josh show you how.

—Kristen Cavallo, CEO of The Martin Agency

This powerful book is a must-read for anyone in their twenties. The transition to the “real world” can be lonely as young adults step into a world of new responsibilities, expectations, and choices. Thankfully, Josh and Pete make the perfect guides for this time of life, and their book empowers readers to craft lives of meaning and fulfillment. Read it and feel a little more seen, a little less lonely, and a lot more prepared for the challenges ahead.

—Dr. Gordon Gee, President of West Virginia University

Adulting 101 Book 2 is a necessary, profound book for any young person trying to figure out adulthood. Becoming an adult brings many challenges, but Pete and Josh offer insight, wisdom, and practical advice that will launch young people into a greater future.

—Lavaedeay Lee, All-American Quarterback, author of Position over Purpose

An important guide for twenty-somethings on growing up and becoming confident, emotionally healthy individuals.

—Holley Gerth, Life Coach, Counselor, and Bestselling Author of The Powerful Purpose of Introverts

Adulting 101 Book 1 was an important guide for all of us who work with college students as we help them find their way. Adulting 101 Book 2 takes it to another level with Pete and Josh’s insights, wit, and deep understanding of the path to adulthood. I can’t wait for colleagues, students, and young adults around the world to benefit from this great work. If you want to experience growth, this book is for you!

—Dr. Tim Miller, Vice President for Student Affairs, James Madison University

The more I dove into Adulting 101 Book 2, the longer the list became of young people, parents, and leaders who I want to read this book. By merging deep truth with relatable stories and practical ideas, Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty offer a priceless guide to help you learn, live, and love better both now and for years to come.

—Kara Powell, PhD, Chief of Leadership Formation at Fuller Seminary and Executive Director of the Fuller Youth Institute

I’ve watched thousands of young adults make life-altering decisions in their transition to adulthood. This awesome book helps readers gain direction in decision-making and gives helpful footholds in applying wisdom to these situations. Get the upper hand on adulting by reading and applying this book.

—Jonathan Pokluda, Pastor and Author of Welcome To Adulting and Outdated

Institutions of higher learning will only be effective if they relentlessly pursue whole person education. To grow intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually is to grow into an adult of consequence. I’ve learned this happens only with daily intentionality, and that’s where this book is valuable. Josh and Pete challenge with the right questions, identify the likely hardships in adulting, and bring the pursuit home to a true definition of maturity.

—Dale Lunsford, PhD, President, LeTourneau University

Adulting 101 Book 2 is a must read for any student or young professional who wants to be challenged and supported by timeless principles applied to our current social and cultural environment. Don’t miss the “Big Ideas” that are contained in this book. They can change both your career trajectory and your life.

—Tim Tassopoulos, President of Chick-fil-A

Josh and Pete have done it again with the second book in the Adulting 101 series! Many people are nervous to “adult” because they don’t have a clear picture of how to do it well. This book is the roadmap to understanding healthy adulthood and how to overcome some of the challenges that you will face along the journey. Adulting 101 is a resource you will find yourself coming back to again and again.

—David Robbins, CEO of Family Life

Adulting 101 Book 2 wrestles with the important issues that students must confront and navigate each day. Josh and Pete’s book provides a great roadmap for people entering adulthood or even for many who have been adulting for years. Through this book, they provide practical and timeless wisdom gained from their experience of working with students. It is a must-read for the next generation.

—Judge Joy Lampley-Fortson, Former President of Leadership Georgia

WHAT EARLY READERS ARE SAYING

This book changed my life, and I’m only on chapter 4.

—Jessie Bond, Twenty-Something

Adulting 101 Book 2 is money. All the analogies and illustrations are relevant. Super fun read. Laughed and learned.

—Lou Chiciccetto, Twenty-Something

I feel like this book was written about me and for this exact season in my life. I want to buy it for all of my twenty-something friends.

—Caroline Velazquez, Twenty-Something

This is one of the most important books I’ve ever read. I’ve been looking for a resource like this for a long time. It gave incredibly practical and applicable action steps that provided immediate, tangible improvement in my life. I recommend it to every twenty-something in the world.

—Melissa Gray, Twenty-Something

Adulting 101 Book 2 is so applicable to me and the stage of life that I am currently in. It provides great advice and tips on how to become the person I want to be. I absolutely love it.

—Sidney Webb, Twenty-Something

BroadStreet Publishing® Group, LLC

Savage, Minnesota, USA

BroadStreetPublishing.com

Adulting 101 Book 2: #liveyourbestlife

Copyright © 2021 Josh Burnette & Pete Hardesty

978-1-4245-6109-4 (hardcover)

978-1-4245-6110-0 (e-book)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Disclaimer: The purpose of this book is to provide helpful information around the areas discussed. The authors and publisher recommend you seek professional help as needed and cannot take personal responsibility for how the reader applies the information and its ultimate results.

Stock or custom editions of BroadStreet Publishing titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, ministry, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email [email protected].

Typesetting by Kjell Garborg and design by Chris Garborg | garborgdesign.com

Printed in China

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CONTENTS

Foreword by Jonelle A. Frost, MA, EdS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling

IntroductionThe Inner Quest to Adulthood

SECTION ONE

Chapter 1Know Yourself

Chapter 2Lead Yourself

Chapter 3Know Others

Chapter 4Lead Others

Chapter 5Screens and You

Chapter 6Social Media: A Trojan Horse

Chapter 7Indistractable: Time and Attention Management

SECTION TWO

Chapter 7.5Intermission: Wading into Mental Health

Chapter 8Anxiety Defined

Chapter 9Anxiety Overcome

Chapter 10Depression Defined

Chapter 11Depression Overcome

Chapter 12Loneliness Defined

Chapter 13Loneliness Overcome

Chapter 14True Peace

ConclusionWhat’s Next

Appendix 1Sample Routines

Appendix 230 Best Questions to Get to Know Someone

Appendix 3Mental Health Resources

Acknowledgments

About the Authors

Endnotes

FOREWORD

In 2018, the song “Shallow” was made popular by the movie A Star is Born, starring Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. The song takes human form on-screen, and a complex love story with all the dignity and depravity our humanity can endure draws the viewer in. As with all songs that have this effect on me, I end up googling the lyrics to know the song more intimately, to understand why the piece resonates with me, and to appreciate its spark and depth. At times, I contemplate whether a part of it is applicable to my own life.

“Shallow” is about diving into love, into relationship, and into life—all with reckless abandon. There’s a sense of predictability when diving into the deep end of a pool; you know it’s safe to do. You’re also simultaneously aware of the shallow end, and you consciously avoid diving into it. Imagine for a moment that “Shallow” is about you, your quest to find purpose, to fill the inner void, and to begin your journey to know yourself deeply. Would you dive in?

For twenty years, I have spent thousands of hours alongside young adults in my counseling office. Their experiences are wrapped in anxiety, fear, depression, sadness, confusion, loneliness, disconnection, and longing. Over the last two years, I have witnessed the severity, duration, and intensity of these negative emotions skyrocket. With strategic focus, Adulting 101 Book 2: #liveyourbestlife has the primary purpose of addressing anxiety, depression, and loneliness. This book comes at a crucial time in our culture.

Pete and Josh worked tirelessly on their first book, Adulting 101, to equip you with basic life skills. In this next book, they guide you into knowing and maintaining your inner self as a healthy adult. To dive into the depths of yourself requires only your willingness. That means asking introspective questions, reflecting on the answers, and taking deliberate steps to address negative emotions when they arise, either by confiding in a trusted friend, finding a mentor, or seeking professional help.

What you will discover in this book is a triad of principle, practical, and personal. Pete and Josh spent hours developing, supporting, and reiterating the principle that your life matters; you have greatness within you. You will find practical life applications, lists of questions, examples, and techniques that are both measurable and attainable. No point is belabored, and every chapter has direct, actionable, and helpful tools. The personal experiences throughout the book are relatable and provide opportunities to find common ground in adulthood experiences. You will learn how to prioritize and care for your mental health and foster your inner growth. It is a roadmap to adulting well.

Adulting 101 Book 2: #liveyourbestlife is a foundational resource to own. This book has a permanent home in my office and will be a gift to all my future twenty-something clients. May it provide you with the knowledge and wisdom to navigate adulthood with confidence. Dive deep.

Jonelle A. Frost, MA, EdS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling

INTRODUCTION

THE INNER QUEST TO ADULTHOOD

JOSH

It was literally a dark and stormy night. An epic thunderstorm shook the house, and howling wind blew so powerfully that the trees in the neighborhood started to bend. Cracks of thunder closely followed flashes of lightning. My toddlers had gone to bed a couple of hours earlier, and I prayed they would sleep through the storm. The only thing worse than a monstrous thunderstorm would be two toddlers screaming during a monstrous thunderstorm.

My wife had fallen asleep while we watched The Office in our room. When the episode was over, I decided to read for a little while. All of the lights in the house were turned off except the one on my nightstand. The storm continued to rage, and I eventually decided it was time to fall asleep. You know those moments when you think you’ve fallen asleep but aren’t fully there yet? I had barely dozed off and felt my mind begin to dream when I heard my front door suddenly swing open. Why on earth was my door open? I shot up in my bed, now completely awake but startled, attempting to make sense of what I heard. Only one thought crossed my mind: someone was in my house. Nothing good comes from your front door flying open at eleven at night. In the five years we had been living in that house, our door had never opened by accident. I knew someone was in my house.

I jumped out of bed wearing only a pair of basketball shorts and ran toward the door. I didn’t have a bat or weapon of any kind, but I followed my instinct to find the intruder. As I approached the front door, I saw it flapping in the wind. Rain poured into the house. Lightning flashed outside, and deafening roars of thunder rang in my ears. I searched the house, frantically checking room to room, but could not seem to find anyone. Ultimately, I concluded that no one was in my house, and my family was safe. But how did the door open?

Adulting often feels just as confusing and threatening as my experience during that memorable thunderstorm. We’re launched into the season of adulthood feeling woefully unprepared, anxious, lost, and even terrified, wondering why we’re still eating microwave burritos for breakfast. It’s as if we wake up one day and start walking toward the future without a clue as to where we’re going. We’re adults in age, but we don’t feel that way on the inside. We don’t have a clear understanding of what to do or how to do it, and we lack the tools required to do the job well. If you feel this way, know that you are not alone. While it may not be as dramatic as a mysterious intruder in the middle of the night, the process of beginning to adult can be downright scary. This book will help you with that.

But first we want to admit that we wrote our books in the wrong order. This book should have been our first one, but better late than never, right? See, after Pete and I wrote the first Adulting 101 book, we expected our families and friends to buy it and tell us it was good (even if they didn’t believe that to be true). We figured they would be proud of us for giving it our best shot. But something different and entirely unexpected happened. Adulting 101: #wisdomforlife quickly became an Amazon best seller, and messages from young readers poured in telling us how much it helped them. Entire school districts even adopted Adulting 101 as curriculum for their seniors. The response blew us away. We felt shocked and mystified. The response was way better than we could have imagined.

Of course, learning how to budget, land a job, rent an apartment, and buy a car are all crucial steps that most adults will take at one point or another. And while these responsibilities are undoubtedly essential, we also realized that we failed to address a hugely significant element to “adulting.” Whereas our first book, Adulting 101, focused on the outside—finance, professionalism, prioritization, time management, dating—this book is all about adulting on the inside. In other words, our first book addressed what an adult does, and this book details who a healthy adult is.

The first book had a lot of answers. This one has a lot of questions.

The first book had a lot of advice. This one has a lot of reflection.

The first book had a lot of stories. This one does too. (Making sure you’re paying attention!)

The first book was systematic. This one flows from topic to topic.

The first book was curated. This one is more raw.

“Adulting” T-shirts, mugs, phrases, books, magnets, and whatnot inundate our world. The concept has practically become part of our daily vernacular, and when you hear the word adulting, it’s most often used in a negative context: “Adulting is hard” or “I don’t feel like adulting today.” What is it about being an adult that we don’t feel like doing? Are we talking about the hard skills associated with adulting—taxes, health insurance, cars, and dinners that go beyond peanut butter and bread? Sure, these are tasks and responsibilities that we have to do post-school, but why do we so often associate adulthood with negative, less-than-enjoyable activities?

For starters, so many of us remain trapped in a constant pursuit of happiness. We convince ourselves that once we achieve happiness, life will make sense, and everything will finally be “good.” And this pursuit of happiness starts young. It starts with getting good grades. Once we earn good grades, we’ll be happy when those grades translate into acceptance to the best college. But once we’re in college, happiness is keeping up those good grades because we all know that good grades in college mean that we’ll land good jobs. And if we have a good job, then the right guy or girl will be attracted to us. Once we find the perfect someone to share life with, then we need adorable kids to be happy. And once we have those kids, happiness is getting those kids into the right school so that they, too, can have the best grades and get into the best college to have the best job and find the best spouse. Is this what life is all about? Is life just a perpetual rat race?

Striving for excellence is never a bad thing, but if you believe that accomplishing excellence will result in happiness and health, then you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Perhaps you don’t find happiness in success, and perhaps life isn’t about attaining happiness. We have all heard the stories of famous athletes, singers, CEOs, and actors who seem to cradle the entire world and all of its possibilities in the palms of their hands. They can buy or attain whatever they want because of their money, influence, and power. They’re larger than life and, from all conventional societal measures, couldn’t be any happier or more successful. And then they die by suicide. Or they enter rehab to treat an addiction. Or they experience a public meltdown that sends their career rushing down the drain. Or they disappear from the world’s stage altogether. These heart-wrenching tales happen all too often. Many of these people grew up on the outside, which happens to every one of us, but missed the opportunity to mature on the inside.

Netflix released a documentary called Miss Americana about Taylor Swift, who is arguably one of the most successful artists of this millennium. In the documentary, she said, “You get to the mountain top and look around and go, ‘What now?’” This was after she won Grammys in 2015 for “Album of the Year” and “Best Pop Vocal Album.” She was at the zenith of the global music scene and felt empty inside. She had spent her entire life trying to be the best, assuming that professional success promised personal fulfillment. It was not until she realized that life had more to offer than success that she turned a corner and discovered who she truly was and what her passions were.

Stories like Taylor Swift’s beg the question: Is there another path of adulting that’s full of joy, adventure, satisfaction, impact, and fulfillment? We think so. In fact, we’ve found that the most common reason why so many young people resent adulthood is because they either don’t know how to “adult” or simply don’t want to know. They’ve never been set up to succeed. Oftentimes, those of us who have struggled with the transition to adulthood experienced at least one of three things:

1.We were not given a clear understanding of what adulthood means and how it applies to us.

2.We were not provided the necessary skill sets to know ourselves, lead ourselves, or know others.

3.We were not provided other critical resources, such as books and mentors, to set ourselves up for success.

There isn’t a single adult on this planet who hasn’t felt like their life was spiraling out of control or that they shuffled on shaky ground amidst a cloud of confusion. We are all unprepared to some degree.

Your twenties are the land of the in between. You are crossing the bridge from life as a student to life as a person in the workforce. You are likely moving away from casual relationships and instead pursuing a life partner. You leave home or your dorm to live in your first “real” place. You go beyond making important decisions to making decisions that can permanently alter the rest of your life. Your twenties can define the kind of adult you will become. How can you walk your path to becoming a healthy adult on the inside? To be able to handle whatever life throws at you? To be resilient? To be mature? To know yourself and know others? To provide value and change the world? To lead the life you were meant to live?

In Adulting 101: #liveyourbestlife, our purpose is to start you on the path to becoming a healthy adult on the inside. This will help you unleash your personal potential, inspire others to do the same, and equip you with the necessary skills to successfully adult. We also offer tons of additional resources and identify some of the consequences—both positive and negative—that come from being an adult.

We’ve broken this book into two major sections. Section One provides the expectations, skills, and resources for healthy adulthood. This includes how to know yourself, lead yourself, know others, and lead others, along with chapters on how to responsibly use technology and social media. Section Two walks through common challenges related to mental health that people experience in adulthood, including anxiety, depression, and loneliness. This second section also provides strategies from trusted mental health professionals to help you or someone you love overcome these challenges.

Becoming a healthy adult is a process that takes place over a period of time. It isn’t a single moment or a destination. It is a journey with countless turning points, joys, and hardships. We hope that this book provides guidance for your adulting journey and helps you learn how to live the life you were meant to live: one of a healthy, fulfilled adult.

SECTION 1

1

KNOW YOURSELF

PETE

Atlantic City. America’s Playground. It’s like Las Vegas—only dirtier. It is underpopulated in the winter and overpopulated in the summer. “Atlantic Ave” is a yellow space on the Monopoly game board, and it’s actually named after Atlantic City. I was visiting this diamond in the rough with one of my best friends, whom we call Goody. He loves to dance so much so that he’ll often drop it low even when there’s no music. Or dance floor. And he’ll do this entirely by himself. But this time in AC, he had music. We had just left a bathroom inside a casino when we saw a huge mirrored wall, probably twenty feet wide. Music played faintly in the background, so in true Goody fashion, he started dancing in front of the mirror, watching himself just crush it. Several people laughed as they walked by.

After a few minutes, we walked around the corner and were stunned to learn it had been a one-way mirror! Imagine the kind of mirrors you see in the movies or on TV during a police interrogation. On the other side of this mirror wasn’t a bunch of detectives but a room dedicated to a casino game called Baccarat. A group of about twelve women were seated at two tables, and they had front-row seats to Goody’s performance. They laughed hysterically. Goody sheepishly asked, “How did I do?” They applauded, but I think they might have been stretching the truth. Know thyself. Goody couldn’t have an accurate understanding of how others perceived him because he was looking at a one-way mirror. He had no idea what was actually going on or what others saw. How could he? He had no idea there was a whole other side.

According to the Greek writer Pausanias, the Ancient Greek aphorism “know thyself” was inscribed in the pronaos (forecourt) of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi.1 Why should you know yourself? To stick with the Greeks, Socrates once said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” Why would this be true? Because a life without examination is severely limited. Without it, you cannot experience growth. Without growth, you can’t have impact. In short, you can’t fulfill your purpose without self-examination.

To truly know who you are is the most critical part in the foundation upon which your identity is built. Self-knowledge is not only the lens through which you see the world, but it is also the catalyst for your actions in the world. Know thyself. Know what you do. Know why you do it. Know how others receive it. Know what it’s like to be on the other side of you. Know. Who. You. Are.

You were not meant to merely adult effectively but to have an impact. You have greatness inside you. Every person on earth does. It’s part of the human experience. In fact, science tells us that every person has gold inside them (0.2 mg to be exact).2 The highest concentration of gold is actually in and around the heart. And just like this gold, so, too, does everyone have greatness inside of them. It’s a matter of seeing it and releasing it. Knowing yourself is the first step in releasing this greatness and becoming who you were meant to be. It’s the beginning of your unique contribution to the world.

We will break down how to truly know yourself into three major parts. First, we’ll define self-awareness. Then we’ll identify influences that shape it and discuss the extent to which you can develop self-awareness. Lastly, we’ll share practical ways to improve and build on it.

WHAT IS SELF-AWARENESS?

Self-awareness is defined as the “conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, beliefs, and desires.”3 It’s having a crystal-clear perception of who you are, complete with strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and emotions. It also means having an accurate picture of how others perceive you.

Many people believe self-awareness and emotional intelligence (EQ) are synonymous, but they’re not. They are deeply related and interwoven but distinct concepts. Self-awareness focuses on recognizing what’s going on inside of yourself and knowing who you are at your core. Emotional intelligence has more to do with how well you relate to others. We will take a closer look at emotional intelligence in a few chapters, so let’s set that idea aside for now.

Think of self-awareness as the difference in experience between watching an epic movie on your phone and in an IMAX theater. I remember when the movie Gravity came out. It stars Sandra Bullock and George Clooney, and the film is set almost entirely in space. I distinctly recall one scene in which the screen goes pitch black with nothing but stars in the background. No sound. I was watching it in IMAX, so the gigantic screen surrounded me, and the silence swallowed me up. It momentarily transported me into space. I can’t recall ever feeling more a part of a movie. But imagine watching that movie on your phone. Same movie, same words, same effects but a completely different experience. And a different outcome.

Developing self-awareness is like entering into an IMAX theater. You are still the same you, but you suddenly gain access to a limitless depth within yourself that propels you into a fuller, more authentic version of you. We are all on a quest to move away from the smartphone version of ourselves and replace it with the full color, surround sound, cinematic, IMAX version.

Knowing yourself is the most important thing you can do.

Neil Blumenthal, cofounder and CEO of Warby Parker4

Self-awareness first and foremost requires honest self-examination and reflection. It requires serious contemplation and a willingness to take risks with the people who know you best. Warning: it isn’t always comfortable. Actually, it’s almost never comfortable, and the process can be downright painful. We don’t always like what we see. I sure didn’t. Still, as challenging as it may be, it’s worth the discomfort to know the truth and become stronger as a result.

Jeff Henderson, entrepreneur and thought leader, encourages self-awareness among his staff by asking them this question: “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” What he is actually asking is “How do I come across? What are my blind spots?” These are the things that everyone else knows about you except you. And when you don’t know your blind spots, you lack an accurate picture of yourself. You can’t see what you truly look like or understand how others perceive you.

Refusal or failure to discover and acknowledge your blind spots only makes them more powerful—and not in a good way. It’s like stumbling your way through a funhouse of mirrors at a carnival. If you’ve never been inside a house of mirrors, it’s basically a maze with walls made of mirrors that distort your reflection by making it appear smaller, larger, wider, narrower, further, and closer—to the point where you don’t know right from left or up from down. Here’s the good news about blind spots: everyone has them. And the bad news? Everyone has them. They’re not easy to figure out, but with hard work, you can identify them and start to see what everyone else sees.

Self-awareness has value that goes far beyond yourself. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. The more self-aware you become, the better leader you become, the better at motivating and investing in others you become, and the more “you” you become. The more you are able to fulfill who you were meant to be. An ideal workplace starts with self-awareness. An ideal family starts with self-awareness. An ideal romantic relationship starts with self-awareness. An ideal friendship starts with self-awareness. In turn, self-aware people make self-aware (better) employees, families, romantic partners, and friends.

MORE THAN “ONE IN A MILLION”

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Oscar Wilde, author

One of my best friends is a soccer fanatic. His name is Romesh, and he walked onto the University of Virginia’s men’s soccer team at the height of its dominance. The UVA men’s team had won the national championship in 1989, 1991, 1992, 1993, and 1994—five out of six years. Romesh walked on in 1995, so he was good. Like, really good.

For his thirtieth birthday, Romesh and I traveled to England, and his incredible wife, Lawson, sent us to a Liverpool versus Arsenal soccer game (a Premier League football match). It was one of the best sporting events I’ve ever attended. Romesh thought it would be just the two of us for ten days. But to his surprise, three other friends joined us one by one. In England, one shrieked Romesh’s name from a dark alley as we walked home from dinner. One hid in the shower in our rental flat in Notting Hill and jumped out when Romesh went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. That was a scary one. But the best reveal by far was his best friend, Danny. We were at a shawarma shop in Piccadilly Circus. It was cafeteria style, where you order your main dish, move down a long counter while selecting your sides, and then pay at the register. Danny was wearing the shawarma shop’s uniform and standing at the register. In his best English accent (which was terrible), he asked Romesh, “Can I get you anything else?”

Romesh was flabbergasted. He shook his head, mumbling unintelligible gibberish. Then he let out a confused “Uhhh” as he turned to us in line and pointed at Danny. It looked like Danny, but Romesh thought it couldn’t possibly be him. Romesh squeaked, “We have to take a picture.” Romesh thought he had found Danny’s twin.

It’s often said that everyone has a twin somewhere in the world, but we wholeheartedly disagree. Vehemently disagree. Each one of us is unique. Even if we look very similar on the outside, each of us is our own person on the inside. We all have unique DNA—even identical twins!5 Your fingerprints, eyes, lips, tongue, and every other part of you are one-of-a-kind. Not only is your DNA—your “nature” or chemical makeup—unique, but your nurture is also unique. Your nurture includes your upbringing, culture, and life experiences. You’ve probably heard that you’re “one in a million,” but if that’s true, then mathematically speaking that means there are almost eight thousand of you in the world since the world’s population is approximately eight billion. In other words, “one in a million” isn’t quite right. You’re actually one in eight billion. There is no one like you. You have a specific purpose and a unique contribution to make.

If you’ve interviewed for a job recently, there is a good chance the interviewer asked plainly, “What makes you unique?” What does make you unique? The answer is actually quite a bit: your nature and your nurture. This includes your DNA, your motivations, your passions, your background, your experiences, your hopes, your dreams, and the lens through which you see the world are all unique to you. No one is exactly the same. What makes you tick and how you see the world are important concepts to explore and discover about yourself.

SHAPING INFLUENCES

“Where you stand is based on where you sit.” This phrase is known as Miles Law, which is the idea that what you believe and how you see the world (where you stand) is deeply influenced by the culture and world in which you grew up (where you sit). This includes everything you ingest: the books, articles, and posts that you read, the podcasts and music that you listen to, the television and social media that you watch, and the mentors whom you allow to speak into your life. Major influences on your worldview and how you perceive yourself include your belief system, childhood, societal events, and your inner circle.

We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.

Anaïs Nin, author

Belief System

Our values typically derive from our parents and whatever they believed (or didn’t believe). This applies to religious beliefs as well. The Pew Research Center published an article in 2016 about the family impact on faith, and their conclusion was that students who grow up in a home of one religious background have the greatest likelihood of retaining those same beliefs into adulthood.6 As a child, if you grew up in a household with parents whom you trusted, it makes sense that you would accept their beliefs as the only ones. You were too young to know much beyond that or make deeper decisions on your own.

As you launch into adulthood, this is a great time to evaluate what you believe and why. What did you accept as true because your parents or another trusted adult told you to believe? What have you accepted because it was “what everyone else believed” at the time? I have asked friends why they hold particular spiritual and political beliefs, and the wide range of responses has floored me. Their answers often come back to one of the two points mentioned above. Either they grew up in a household that believed it, or it is a culturally acceptable belief. Some just hadn’t thought about it much. There is so much more to explore rather than accepting someone else’s version of the truth.

Reflect on what you believe and why—for yourself. You can start with something small and silly, such as asking yourself what the best fruit is and why. For example, oranges are at the top of my list. They’re easy to share, make a great breakfast, snack, or dessert, and provide delicious juice in the summer. The juice is definitely worth the squeeze. But usually we are talking about bigger, more meaningful, and often controversial topics, such as faith or politics. Or specific issues such as climate change, gun control, abortion, and immigration. Ask yourself what do you really believe, and why do you have this perspective? Your answers can reveal your values. It can also be helpful (and necessary) to engage in a respectful discussion with someone who holds beliefs opposite to yours. They may challenge you, and that’s okay. Contrary to popular opinion, it’s okay to disagree and have a civil dialogue about it, and it’s also okay to change your mind.

Even your geography affects your belief system—everything from which side of town you came from, which state, country, and even which continent.7 We cannot overestimate the roles that each of these elements play in the development of our perspective of the world.

Childhood

How you were nurtured and raised significantly influences your adult life. It provides you with your core beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, wrote an article in which she states that your upbringing dictates what you think about everything else.8 In short, if you had an overall positive childhood, you are more likely to believe that people are inherently good and that it is safe to trust others. But if you consistently experienced betrayal as a child, your ability to trust and believe in others as an adult is negatively impacted. A study by the University of Minnesota found that the level of nurture that you received by the age of three had an effect on your education, social life, and romantic relationships twenty or thirty years later.9

We can’t stress enough that what happens in childhood affects you in a profound way, but it doesn’t have to define you. In other words, growing up in a bad situation doesn’t necessarily determine who you will become. Take Gossip Girl phenom Leighton Meester for example. Her story has gone mostly untold until recently. This talented and gracious actor was born behind bars while her mom served a jail sentence for smuggling 1,200 pounds of marijuana from Jamaica in 1983. Her aunt broke out of prison while serving time for this same crime and became the first woman to land on the US Marshals Most Wanted List. Leighton was separated from her mom for the first sixteen months of her life and then grew up in poverty. She said she “couldn’t relate to normal kid stuff … I was worried about gas and food.”