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- Herausgeber: IVP Formatio
- Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020
When we experience frustrations in daily life, many of us hold ourselves to blame. Self-criticism is often our default setting. But we can have a more gracious posture toward ourselves. We can practice disciplines of self-kindness. Editor and spiritual director Cindy Bunch calls us to self-care through greater compassion for ourselves. She helps us pay attention to the frustrations that bug us in order to identify negative thinking about ourselves or others. As we do so, we can discern what we need to let go. This allows us to lean into the things that bring us joy. Each chapter is filled with spiritual practices and creative exercises for reflection and celebration. The pages of the appealing smaller book format are illustrated with photographs and art from the author. Be kind to yourself. And discover new opportunities to embrace joy.
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For Dan
God rewrote the text of my lifewhen I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.
PSALM 18:24 THE MESSAGE
Contents
“The only true gift is a portion of oneself” writes Ralph Waldo Emerson, and this, to me, is an apt description of what Cindy has done in the book you hold in your hand. She has shared with us generous portions of herself—her own story, her honest struggles, and the practices that have helped her endure and find joy in the midst of it all. Since all of us have our own stories that include joy and pain, gladness and sadness, this is something we all need.
I love that this book is ordered around the general practice of self-kindness, an idea we hear very little about these days and yet is sorely needed. Most of us have lived so long in highly judgmental and overly evaluative environments, we might wonder if self-kindness is even allowed. But the truth is if we just learned how to practice this, we would be changed! And, as Cindy so wisely points out, so would our relationships, because being tender with ourselves begets tenderness and consideration toward others.
This book is deeply encouraging because it offers us small, simple practices that can have a big impact if we let them. From the shame-free examen to the visio divina walk to the songs that bring you joy playlist or even the practice of smashing things (!) to release grief and anger, this work offers a plethora of practices that require nothing more than shifting our focus and recalibrating our thoughts, attitudes, and intentions for loving and spiritual purposes. Cindy’s intimate and fresh insights, combined with specific and concrete practices, make for wise spiritual guidance.
A very personal joy for me in perusing this book is Cindy’s reflections on the practice of spiritual direction in general and the impact of Marilyn Stewart’s life and ministry specifically. In Marilyn I found a cherished spiritual friendship that spanned over twenty years as well as a role model who continually inspired my own ministry. Reading Cindy’s reflections on what Marilyn meant to her during a harrowing season of her own journey is a great gift to all of us who knew and loved Marilyn.
Finally, I am convinced that the art, photography, and creative exercises woven as a thread throughout this work will be a blessing to many—including (and maybe even most especially!) those who do not think of themselves as creative or artistic. Since we are all made in the image of the One who created and is creating, there is something in each of us that is capable of giving ourselves over to the creative process as one aspect of being in relationship with our creator God. My hope is that all who find themselves with this book in their hands will engage the practices—all of them—including the ones that involve art and creativity. I pray you will be kind to yourself and stretch yourself. I promise, you won’t regret it!
“Notice when you are bugged.” That statement stopped me short as I was reading. The things that bug me can form a low hum in my brain throughout a day. They can spoil—or threaten to spoil—the other lovely moments of the day.
I found these words in the manuscript for Gem and Alan Fadling’s book What Does Your Soul Love? in a section where they were describing how we place ourselves in a state of openness before God. In my work as an editor, I get to read wonderful books and interact with some very wise souls. When I am reading in manuscript form, I am often in professional mode, thinking of the structure of the book, how the audience will receive it, and so on. But sometimes a line or section jumps out to me. Then I know those words are for me. It is God offering me a nudge in the midst of the workday.
I took that statement and made it into a question. Then I decided to make it a part of a daily practice. I would think about the past day and write down the answer to just two questions:
1.What’s bugging you?
2. What’s bringing you joy?
Creating that simple practice has been a great help to me. As I lean into it, I see where I am hooked into negative thought patterns about myself or others and recognize what I need to let go of. I also see what brings me joy. And each day brings a new opportunity to lean into that as well. The more I understand about what’s bugging me and free myself of that, the more I am able to embrace opportunities for joy. It’s part of what I am learning about being kind to myself.
Self-Kindness
The ways that we talk to ourselves about the things that are bugging us are a part of a practice of self-kindness. What do I say to myself when what’s bugging me is the way that I escalated a small matter into a situation where I yelled at my husband? How do I process those moments when I am passed over at work? Or when a friend makes a hurtful comment? Or even something as mundane as getting stuck in an hour-long customer service call with no satisfaction?
“No life of faith can be lived privately. There must be overflow into the lives of others.”
Eugene Peterson
As we learn new ways of dealing with the moments of difficulty in each day, we make space for the moments of joy to take greater hold of us.
Scripture tells us to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). And we may have even heard it noted in a sermon that we should not neglect ourselves as we care for others. But often that is simply said in passing as we focus on being of service to the world. Giving our attention to what it means to love ourselves may feel selfish. Yet even Jesus took time away from the crowds he was teaching to pray (Luke 5:16).
Another benefit of this increased self-kindness is that when we are tender with ourselves, we cultivate a greater tenderness and empathy toward others. It is a fruit of goodness to ourselves that we increase in goodness toward our neighbor. Anne Lamott describes how she learned from others who were getting sober that “extending ourselves to others would help us stay sober and sane.” The pattern of getting a sponsor in AA follows this principle. But then Lamott continues, “They also wanted us to extend ourselves to our own horrible selves, at our most ruined, to speak gently to ourselves, get ourselves a lovely cup of tea.” For many of us, offering grace to ourselves is harder than extending grace to others.
Over time I have discovered practices that have helped me to identify and work with the daily pain I carry and also to embrace the things that bring me awareness of God’s very good gifts. These practices are recorded here in hopes that they will assist others in the journey into deepening joy—not to be a guilt-inducing catalog of things to do. Read and practice at your own pace. Pick up the practices that you are drawn to and let the others go in keeping with Jesus’ offer of “unforced rhythms of grace” (Matthew 11:29The Message).
Shame-Free Examen
I have long struggled with the traditional understanding of how to practice examen, a pattern of prayer that comes from Saint Ignatius, the sixteenth-century mystic and founder of the Jesuits. The basic idea is to take a bit of time in the evening to sit and mentally review the day—play it through like a movie. As you do so, notice where you felt close to God (moments of consolation), and notice where you felt far from God (moments of desolation). To me, this practice always felt like another way to feel bad about myself—a way to review and recall all of my sin for the day. While I know it’s good to remember my sin so that I can confess it to God, the review would throw me into a place of shame. Further, doing it at night reminded me of all the things I could be worrying over just as I was trying to go to sleep. For me, it was not a good combination.
Using these two simple daily review questions took the edge off the pain and made the practice more accessible to me. A further tweak for me was to review the previous day in the morning. I was already in a morning routine of spiritual reading and journaling, so it fit right in. I spend a few moments thinking about the day that has passed. Then I write in my journal the answers to the two questions numbered with a 1 and a 2.
For a season I had a thirty-day booklet in which I wrote down the answers to my two questions. Each day I pasted in an image clipped out of magazine pages to represent one or both of my responses. (I keep a little stash of evocative magazine images—more about this can be found in the description of collage practice, chapter seven.) This gave me something tactile to do as I mused on the day and allowed me to focus more deeply. Finding the images drew out different aspects of what I was feeling.
Practice: A Daily Record
Commit to thirty days of recording the answers to these two questions:
1. What’s bugging you?
2. What’s bringing you joy?
You can list these in the space provided in this book. You can record them in a special notebook. Or you can just write it in a journal you already keep. There’s a printable on the book page at ivpress.com/be-kind-to-yourself that you can download if you would like more space to write or would like to add art from magazines or your own illustration. Having this daily record to review will help you with some of the practices later in the book. If asking yourself, “What is bugging me?” doesn’t resonate with you, you could try asking yourself, “What is frustrating me?” instead.
Tackling the examen from the approach of what’s bugging me and what’s making me happy keeps me out of the sinkhole of shame. The things that bug me are—of course—not completely outside myself. The truth is that things that bug me the most are often the personal encounters that go wrong. Or they may be things that are causing me worry or anxiety, running a never-ending mental loop. My part in it is my own response—whether simply internal or expressed.
These questions have made me more aware of the things I hold on to each day. The things that pull me down. The things that keep me from noticing that God is near and is constantly drawing me in.
It’s the Little Things
Some of us may be in the habit of pushing down negative thoughts and so may not be readily aware of anything bugging us. This simple practice offers a way to get in touch with the idea that we are holding on to pain, frustration, and anger, so that we can work with them together with God.
Each chapter begins with what’s bugging me. The illustrations come from various moments throughout my life, from the mundane workday to some dark periods of desolation to some embarrassing and painful failures. The things that bug me often stem from negative thinking and self-doubt. I explore spiritual practices that I have found can offer help and support in these areas.
While I do share some stories from a difficult part of my life, this book is primarily designed as a companion for ordinary days. When we are in times of intense grief and loss, the pain is with us all the time, coloring everything. What I’ve noticed for myself is that in these seasons the things that usually bug me don’t bother me at all. When a loved one has recently died, an impatient clerk at the grocery store doesn’t much penetrate the mental and emotional fog. In such a season everything is different.
It could be that some of the things that bug us are signs of underlying mental health issues; in this process you might find that themes emerge that can be explored in professional counseling. But those are not the themes that I am primarily attempting to address. In these pages we will focus on exploring the spiritual landscape of our lives.
After I’ve looked at what’s bugging me, I can step back and see what brings me joy. I’m noticing everyday occurrences: The moment when someone spoke to me with kindness. Or helped me out with a task at work. The sunset on the drive home. The dinner my husband cooked for me.
I focus on the word joy in my daily practice rather than happiness because I believe that joy points to the deeper things that come from God. We know that happiness can be fleeting. Brother David Steindl-Rast writes, “Ordinary happiness is based on happenstance. Joy is that extraordinary happiness that is independent of what happens to us. Good luck can make us happy, but it cannot give us lasting joy.” As I reflect on this statement, I think of the common story of lottery winners experiencing the same or a lowered level of happiness after winning.
Joy comes from the fruit of the Spirit—peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and (darn it) self-control. But I also like to have fun with identifying joy. I can record some little thing that just made me smile that day—like the knitting gnome GIF that I found and shared with some friends in a text. These things, too, can draw us to God.
Patterns of happiness will emerge over time and may point to needed life changes. The goal of this book, however, is to reveal ways that we can begin making tiny adjustments to our daily routines to let in more of the things that make us joyful. It’s a matter of cultivating gratitude for the many reminders of God that we can find in an ordinary day. I offer some practices that I both intentionally and intuitively cultivated in my life. They are the things that consistently bring me joy.
Driving at rush hour and going to the DMV will always be unpleasant. But—sometimes—the pattern of what’s bugging us points us to a deeper work that God is doing in us. Thus we find the first invitation from God in the very frustrations we experience. Noticing what’s bugging us may be an opportunity to let go of some expectations we are holding on to and step into a new way of being. Then we turn toward cultivating joy. Because life is all mixed up like that—the good and the bad mingle together. As we pay attention to God’s daily presence near us, we discover the antidote to what’s bugging us. That’s why the second invitation is to notice the daily moments of joy.
Discover What You Know
After years of experiencing spiritual direction with a wise and skilled director, I was privileged go through spiritual direction training myself. What I’ve found to be true as a spiritual director is that I’m not directing anything! I am just sitting with another person listening for the movement of the Holy Spirit within them. If a person is actively seeking God and pursuing spiritual practice, then most of the time, with a few probing questions, they are able to find the answers to their own questions. Spiritual direction is like talking with a close friend. You talk around all sides of a question together until you find your way to the center.
The process I’m inviting you into in these pages is like that. It’s an opportunity to surface what you already know. To discover what you are already doing—or could be doing!—that brings you near to God. I’m intentionally not pushing forward a lot of content as most of us have more information coming at us than we can handle. Here’s a space to focus on practice and experience.
Each chapter breaks down into smaller chunks with visual stopping points. Read a section at a time and try a practice—perhaps one a day or a week. Then return to reading the chapter. But remember, there’s no need to feel compelled to try all the practices.
Another way to tackle the chapters would be to read the whole chapter, noticing which practices you are drawn to. Try the practices that you feel drawn to rather than the ones that feel burdensome. However, always also be aware that sometimes we do need to ponder the things that we have a strong internal resistance to. Ask yourself why you aren’t drawn to certain exercises. Is that sense of disconnect something you might push into and see what’s there? Is there an opportunity to grow in a new aspect of spirituality? Or is it just that it’s a rainy day and a walk outside is unappealing?
As we discover what we already know about ourselves and about God, we can live into joy more fully with the choices we make each day.
Recording a Daily Examen
Days One to Ten
For each day, fill in what’s bugging you and what’s bringing you joy. Or, to put it another way: When did you feel far from God? When did you feel close to God?
You can have more than one answer. It’s especially helpful to offer as many answers as come to mind for the joy question.
Here’s space to fill in the first ten days (Day One questions are for each day).
DAY ONE
1. What’s bugging you? --------------------------------
2. What’s bringing you joy? --------------------------------
DAY TWO
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
DAY THREE
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
DAY FOUR
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
DAY FIVE
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
DAY SIX
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
DAY SEVEN
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
DAY EIGHT
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
DAY NINE
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
DAY TEN
1. --------------------------------
2. --------------------------------
“There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself.”
Howard Thurman
1. What’s bugging you? I burned the bacon and set off the smoke alarm.
2. What’s bringing you joy? Spotting a hummingbird on a hike.
I offered to cook the bacon so that Dan and I could start working. We were both working remotely from a warm and sunny spot in Palm Springs—a privilege we are grateful that our employers allowed. My parents had an unused timeshare week available, so we were housed at a nice resort.
