Comic Sketches E-Book

Nick Calderbank

• Herausgeber: BoD - Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Seitenzahl: 63

Beschreibung

A collection of 19 comic sketches for performance at parties, weddings, open mike sessions, etc.

Das E-Book Comic Sketches wird angeboten von BoD - Books on Demand und wurde mit folgenden Begriffen kategorisiert:
COMIC SKETCHES, humour, FOR 2 ACTORS, FOR PERFORMANCE, OPEN MIKE SKETCHES

Leseprobe

My thanks to Paris Lit Up and Spoken Word and all the wonderful performers who have given their time and their talent to work with me on these sketches:

Sonya Backers

Joanna Bartholomew

Edward Bell

Robert Bradford

Jack Cooper

Damian Corcoran

Carey Downer

Helena Dubiel

Matt Jones

Johanna Leira

Kester Lovelace

John Meldrum

Jonny Sly

Ursula Wynne

Cover illustration and art work Lucy Calderbank

And extra special thanks to Didier Moity whose support and technical expertise has made this collection possible.

Contents

ALL THAT GLITTERS

DAFFODILS

THE INTERVAL

THE JOGGER

THE KIDNAPPING

THE NEARNESS OF YOU

THE PITCH

THE PROPOSAL

VERY LIKE A WHALE

THE WINNER!

A DARK HORSE

EPI-FANNY

GOBSTOPPERS

I'M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU

LAST MAN STANDING

MAN OF THE WORLD

PAMELA

SOME PEOPLE!

WHAT A WHOPPER!

ALL THAT GLITTERS

Party. DUD standing alone. Shades. BRENDA approaches with bowl of crisps.

BRENDA. Hello.

DUD. Hey.

BRENDA. Are you enjoying the party? They're a nice crowd, aren't they? Really friendly. Would you care for a crisp at all? They're Smokey Bacon.

DUD shakes his head.

Got more of a sweet tooth, have you? You're like me. I love sweet things. I'm Brenda, by the way. I'm here with my friend Rita.

DUD. Oh, yes?

BRENDA. What's your name?

DUD (sotto voce) Paparazzi.

BRENDA. Are you Italian?

DUD. I'm travelling incognito.

BRENDA. Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

DUD. "Surfer, Dude"? Major motion picture.

BRENDA. I missed that one.

DUD. "Eight Heads in a Duffle Bag"?

BRENDA. Gracious!

DUD. Classics. Check 'em out. Well, I mustn't keep you.

BRENDA. Right. OK. Well, lovely to meet you. Arriverdeci.

BRENDA rejoins RITA.

RITA. What's the matter with you?

BRENDA. I've met someone, Rita.

RITA. Oh, no! Not again. Every Tom, Dick and Harry ...

BRENDA. No. He's Italian. "Papa"-something-or-other. He's gorgeous. His hair sort of ... glitters!

RITA. Gimme a break!

BRENDA. And he's a famous actor!

RITA. Oh, yeah? Old smarmy-chops? Looks like he could do with a top-up.

RITA gets up, takes bottle of champagne, crosses towards DUD.

Hello, handsome! Bubbly?

She sits beside him, refills his glass.

RITA. Cheers.

DUD. Cheers.

RITA. Would it be an impertinence to ask for an autograph?

DUD. No problem.

DUD scrawls his name on RITA'S bare arm.

RITA (reads) "Dudley Pratt"?

DUD. Platt.

RITA. Sorry, Dud. You're not a household word yet. But it won't be long.

DUD. You reckon?

RITA. Oh, yes. I mean, look at you. You got the lot. Looks. Talent. Charisma. Plus that extra something. Star quality. Have you met my friend Brenda?

DUD. Mousey little thing? A bit slow on the uptake?

RITA. I take it you don't know who her father is?

RITA whispers in DUD'S ear.

DUD. No!

RITA. A man whose name alone opens doors in the business. He dotes upon his daughter. She can wind him round her little finger, mousey as she is.

DUD. On second thoughts, "mousey" isn't really le mot juste, is it?

RITA. Not really.

DUD. Charmingly modest.

RITA. There ya go. And I happen to know he is currently casting for a remake of "A Streetcar Named Desire". And they still haven't found their Stanley Kowalski.

DUD. The Marlon Brando role?

RITA. That's right. You would be perfect casting, Dud.

DUD. I think I would. She's a sweetie. I think I'll just pop over there, make sure she's OK.

RITA. Good idea.

DUD crosses to BRENDA.

DUD. Hello, again!

BRENDA. Papa-wotsit!

DUD. Call me Dud.

He sits beside her.

You're looking ravishing, Brenda!

BRENDA. Am I?

DUD. Absolutely. You know, when I was getting ready to come here tonight - slipping on my Guccis - little did I realise that tonight would be the night.

BRENDA. Which night?

DUD. The night I met you, Brenda. My darling!

He puts his arm round her shoulder.

BRENDA. Oh, Papa!

DUD. How's your father? I hope he's well?

BRENDA. Daddy? Oh, yes. He still gets about.

DUD. Delighted to hear it. I'm dying to meet him.

RITA rejoins DUD and BRENDA.

BRENDA. You must come to tea. Mum's rock cakes are a real treat. Aren't they, Rita?

RITA. Scrumptious.

RITA refills DUD'S glass.

DUD. Cheers, sweetie. Stanley Kowalski, eh? The accent's no problem. "Stella!" Flawless. And I look great in a T-shirt. Of course, I'm a bit older than Marlon was at the time. But that's a plus: added maturity. Our parties will be the talk of the town. All the stars will be there.

BRENDA. Leonardo di Caprio? Johnny Depp?

DUD. Of course.

BRENDA. What about Brad Pitt?

DUD. Brad wouldn't miss it for the world. Tell the old man I'm ready for any challenge.

BRENDA. Old man?

DUD. Tell him I'm standing by. Here's my cell number. (stands, searching around for something to write on)

BRENDA. Who do you mean?

DUD. Big Daddy, of course.

BRENDA. My father?

DUD. He's the man.

BRENDA. Papa ...

DUD. He can reach me at any time.

BRENDA. Papa!

DUD. Twenty-four- ... Mm?

BRENDA. I think you may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

DUD. Whaddya mean?

BRENDA. My father has nothing to do with the film business. He's a retired schoolteacher.

DUD. What!

BRENDA. Mathematics and biology.

DUD. But, Rita said ...

RITA. Just kiddin', Dud.

DUD. (advancing towards RITA threateningly.) Why, you ...!

BRENDA. I wouldn't advise that. Rita's ...

RITA suddenly darts forward and knocks DUD'S wig off his head.

... a Karate black belt.

DUD scrabbles on the floor to retrieve wig, beats an undignified retreat.

DUD. Pair of nutters!

RITA. I'm sorry, Brenda. But it had to be done. All that glitters ...

BRENDA. ... is not gold.

RITA. That's right, my love. You deserve someone better than that.

Song (duet BRENDA and RITA) "The Man I Love." As the song begins, a handsome young man approaches from audience.

THE END

DAFFODILS

A public poetry-reading night. NICK rehearsing alone.

NICK (mumbles) "I wandered lonely as a cloud ..."

VOICE (off) This is your five-minute call!

More mumbling, then NICK dries.

NICK. Damn!

He picks up "Wordsworth's Poems", checks line.

Enter CYNTHIA.

CYN. Hello.

NICK. Oh, hello there.

CYN. You're English, aren't you?

NICK. Yes. Yes, I am, actually.

CYN. I thought so. We're compatriots.

NICK. Ah. Really?

CYN. Small world.

NICK. Yes. Excuse me, I must just ...

He returns to rehearsing. More mumbling.

CYN. And you're a poet?

NICK. I do dabble. But this is Wordsworth.

CYN. Wordsworth? I've heard of you!

NICK. No, no. Not me.

CYN. You're hiding from the media? Gotcha. I'm Cynthia. Call me "Cyn."

NICK. How do you do? I'm Nick.

They shake hands.

CYN. Ooh! That's a good, firm grip you've got there, Micky.

NICK. Nick, / actually.

CYN. /I feel a real connection. Cancer?

NICK. God, I hope not!

CYN. Scorpio?

NICK. Oh, I see. Pisces, actually.

CYN. Pisces! That's what makes you so creative. Einstein. Kloe Kardashian. Now is the time to move up. Are you ready? Yes, you are. You got the hunger. And you got the name. Get it up in lights. "MICKY WORDSWORTH." I can do that for you. I'm a Taurus, Aries rising. I'm practical. I'm pushy. And I never let go.

NICK. Great. Thanks very much.

CYN. I believe in you.

NICK. I'm glad someone does!

CYN. "I am a winner." Say it.

NICK. "I am a winner."

CYN. "I AM A WINNER!"

NICK. "I AM A WINNER!"

CYN. There you go!

BUD enters with drinks.