Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies E-Book

Vivian Scott

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2009

Seitenzahl: 591

Beschreibung

A practical workplace guide to handling conflict effectively Managing employees and encouraging them to work together toward a common goal is an essential skill that all leaders should possess. Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies provides the tools and advice you need to restore peace, train your colleagues to get along better with others, prevent conflicts from ever starting, and maintain better productivity while boosting morale. * One of the only trade publications that takes the manager's perspective on how to address conflicts, resolve disputes, and restore peace and productivity to the workplace * Examines more positive means for resolving conflicts (other than arguing, surrendering, running away, filing a lawsuit, etc.) * Helps managers and employees sort through problems and make the workplace a more rewarding place No manager should be without Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies!

Leseprobe

Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies®

Table of Contents

Introduction

About This Book

Conventions Used in This Book

What You’re Not to Read

Foolish Assumptions

How This Book Is Organized

Part I: Understanding Conflict in the Workplace

Part II: Resolving a Conflict between Two or More of Your Employees

Part III: Using Additional Resources to Resolve the Conflict

Part IV: Smoothly Handling Conflict When You’re One of the People Involved

Part V: The Part of Tens

Icons Used in This Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I: Understanding Conflict in the Workplace

Chapter 1: An Overview of Conflict Resolution at Work

Considering Common Contributors to Conflict

Acknowledging differing perspectives

Recognizing emotions in others

Handling communication mishaps

Deciphering group dynamics

Assessing your own role

Mediating like a Pro

Following eight steps to a resolution

Facilitating a conversation between two people

Managing conflict with a team

Tapping into Conflict Resolution Expertise

Internal resources

External resources

Dealing with a Direct Conflict

Finding solutions that work for both of you

Creating a different future

Chapter 2: Understanding What People Bring to Conflict

Rediscovering Communication

Changing the goal of communication

Choosing words carefully: The importance of language

Body language: Reading others’ and managing your own

Discerning tone of voice

Figuring Out Why People Think the Way They Do

Values: Understanding what’s important to people

Filters: Sifting through information

History: Operating from the past

Considering the Importance of Emotions

Listening to what emotions tell you

Dealing with emotional intensity and impact

Acknowledging and processing difficult emotions on your team

Responding to Conflict

Giving in

Avoiding the fight

Fighting it out

Compromising

Working together

Chapter 3: Determining How Groups Contribute to Conflict

Observing Your Organization’s Culture

Identifying the organizational focus

Considering hiring or promoting practices

Considering how your company adapts to change

Recognizing Team Dynamics

Dealing with mismatched expectations

Acknowledging assigned and assumed roles

Redefining power

Groups Behaving Badly

Joining cliques

Finding allies

Creating inaccurate assumptions

Perpetuating gossip

Chapter 4: Practicing Self-Awareness: Understanding How Managers Foster Conflict

Micromanaging

Stirring the Pot

Dividing rather than uniting

Appearing to take sides

Not Taking the Time to Gain Understanding

Overreacting

Misunderstanding the real issues

Looking the other way

Being dismissive

Talking about the Work Ineffectively

Not sharing your contributions

Underrepresenting your team

Creating Ill-Defined Expectations and Responsibilities

Hiring the Right Person for the Wrong Job

Living in Fix-It Mode

Talking instead of listening

Being judge and jury

Rescuing instead of coaching

Denying Shortfalls

Letting egos get in the way

Lacking training or skills

Being uncomfortable with change

Chapter 5: Knowing When to Address Conflict

Assessing the Cost and Severity of the Conflict

Hard costs associated with unresolved conflict

Soft costs associated with unresolved conflict

Determining severity

Approaching Employees and Gathering Information

Knowing your intent

Sorting out the players

Considering the meeting place

Being consistent in your inquiries

Asking questions

Evaluating the Details of the Conflict

What you know

Follow-up conversations

Empowering Employees to Handle the Issue Themselves

Providing tips for success

Motivating your employees to succeed

Wrapping it up

Watching their progress

Part II: Resolving a Conflict between Two or More of Your Employees

Chapter 6: Developing a Plan and Preparing for a Meeting

Preparing the Parties for a Conversation

Inviting your employees to the meeting

Explaining your role

Helping employees get into the right frame of mind

Assuring confidentiality

Defining meeting parameters

Giving pre-work/homework instructions

Setting Up the Meeting

Choosing a neutral location

Allowing enough time

Facilitating a comfortable environment

Preparing yourself

Chapter 7: Starting a Mediation Meeting and Creating a Working Agenda

Facilitating Effectively

Establishing rapport and making the employees comfortable

Showing your neutrality

Actively listening

Saving your questions for later

Reviewing the Ground Rules for the Discussion

Explaining roles and responsibilities

Directing the flow of information

Stressing uninterrupted time

Giving the Participants a Chance to Present Their Perspectives

Deciding who speaks first

Listening to the second participant

Summarizing and Reflecting Back What You Hear

Reflecting emotions

Reframing statements

Neutralizing the perspectives

Creating an Agenda

Transitioning from the past to the future

Demonstrating accessibility and ownership

Separating their topics

Labeling and defining issues

Considering common agenda topics

Using the agenda for negotiations

Chapter 8: Negotiating Possible Solutions to a Conflict

Encouraging Communication

Transitioning from past to future

Motivating and encouraging your employees

Listening and interjecting

Focusing on Values Rather Than Issues

Discovering what’s really important

Reading between the lines to find values

Fostering Brainstorming

Defining brainstorming ground rules

Narrowing the possible solutions

Asking Great Questions

Knowing which questions to use when

Sequencing your questions

Avoiding unproductive questions

Working through Resistance

Identifying common causes of resistance

Exploring the impasse

Creating options

Testing the margins

Refocusing on values

Interrupting negative behaviors

Trying one last time to overcome resistance

Meeting Privately with Each Individual

Choosing who goes first

Allowing parties to open up with added confidentiality

Venting and exploring

Preparing an employee to return to the open session

Chapter 9: Offering Proposals and Crafting Agreements

Continuing Negotiations

Proceeding with the meeting

Listening for the good stuff

Developing Solutions and Agreements during Open Session

Recognizing the nonnegotiable elements of a good settlement

Troubleshooting problem areas

Writing it down

Concluding the Meeting and Helping Everyone Leave with Optimism

Settlement

Interim agreements

No settlement

Chapter 10: Adapting a Conflict Meeting for the Entire Team

Acting as Facilitator

Gathering Information from the Group

Recognizing what you know

Crafting questions to find out more

Using interviews and surveys

Creating a timeline

Assessing the Intensity of a Conflict

Formulating a Meeting Plan

Determining the goal of your meeting

Creating an agenda

Proposing ground rules

Considering breakout groups

Kicking Off the Group Meeting

Setting the tone

Presenting the agenda and finalizing the ground rules

Hearing from the participants

Using intervention strategies

Breaking into small groups

Coming back to the larger group

Devising a Team Plan for Follow-up

Assigning next steps

Creating benchmarks

Chapter 11: Monitoring Agreements and Progress

Keeping an Eye on the Environment

Looking for decreased tension

Watching for positive changes in working relationships

Tuning In to Changes in Communication

Paying attention to content

Distinguishing tone of voice

Observing body language

Watching reactions to difficult conversations

Monitoring gossip levels

Looking for Examples of Personal Responsibility

Keeping agreements

Showing an increased willingness to handle new problems

Stepping In to Coach and Encourage

Coaching employees after mediation

Knowing when you’re needed

Leading Productive Follow-Up Meetings

Setting up the meeting

Holding the meeting

Part III: Using Additional Resources to Resolve the Conflict

Chapter 12: Keeping a Team Focused During a Conflict

Addressing Safety or Legal Issues

Limiting Chatter

Being upfront and consistent

Finding the time and place to address conflict

Limiting closed-door meetings

Creating ways to voice concern

Sticking to Business as Usual

Motivating your employees

Keeping your team members focused on what they can control

Having regular work meetings

Building a Reputation as a Leader

Encouraging Team Building

Highlighting common interests and creating positive shared experiences

Lightening the mood

Chapter 13: Determining How Your Company Can Help

Working with Human Resources

Partnering with you to tailor your approach

Letting you know when action is required

Providing training resources

Accessing employees’ work histories

Identifying employee assistance program options

Investigating Neutral Dispute Resolution Services

Mediation program

Shared neutrals program

Ombudsman

Tapping into Unions

Proactively Designing a Conflict Resolution Plan

What you can do

What your company can do

Choosing a starting point

Chapter 14: Getting Outside Experts to Facilitate Resolutions

Why Managers Do or Don’t Call in Help

Common reasons for delay

Common reasons experts are called

Considering the Menu of Professional Services

Training

Conflict coaching

Mediation

Group facilitation

Going to Arbitration

Hiring an Expert and Knowing What to Expect

Starting with referrals

Determining qualifications

Contracting with a professional

Understanding the process for intake and gathering information

Part IV: Smoothly Handling Conflict When You’re One of the People Involved

Chapter 15: Identifying What Both Sides Want

Asking Yourself What You Really Want

Figuring out your core values

Identifying your hot buttons

Considering your ability to listen

Doing your best to be humble

Asking for help

Recognizing your strengths

Thinking about What the Other Person Wants

Identifying what you know

Putting the drama aside

Considering what you don’t know

Taking a Look at Both Sides

Issues

Values

Hot buttons

Strengths

Common ground

Proposals

Chapter 16: Asking for a Meeting to Talk about the Conflict

Considering the Best Way to Approach the Other Person

Remembering that timing and location are everything

Choosing your words wisely

Selecting the best mode of communication

Preparing for Resistance

Responding to push-back tactics

Getting past denial

Addressing avoidance

Finding hope in hopelessness

Setting a Time and a Place for a Productive Discussion

Time considerations

Geography matters

Chapter 17: Sitting Down to Talk Through the Issues

Preparing to Mediate Your Own Conflict

Recognizing your dual role

Adapting a mediation process for a one-on-one meeting

Getting the One-on-One Started

Putting together a natural-sounding opening statement

Acknowledging the current challenge

Explaining the steps the meeting will follow

Committing to a productive meeting

Sharing Perspectives

Deciding who will begin

Listening actively

Summarizing what you’ve heard

Speaking to be understood

Reaching across the divide when it feels as big as the Grand Canyon

Creating an Agenda

Looking for Win/Win Solutions

Proposing positive alternatives

Keeping the conversation on track

Making decisions

Concluding the Discussion

Capturing the intent

Fine-tuning the details

Ending without agreements

Chapter 18: Tailoring Your Approach to the Organizational Chart

Resolving Issues with Someone You Supervise

Creating a dialogue

What the conflicts are usually about

Proactively adapting your approach

Creating a positive environment

Keeping your power in check

Considering nerves

Addressing Conflict with a Peer

Respecting a peer’s position

Being sensitive to location

Preserving the working relationship

Having One-on-One Conversations with Your Boss

Weighing the pros and cons of asking for a meeting

Redefining your concept of power

Making the most of your time

Part V: The Part of Tens

Chapter 19: Ten Things You Can Control When You’re in an Unresolved Conflict

Your Plan for the Future

Your Perspective

Your Responses

Your Investment

Your Role in the Conflict

Your Expectations

Your Energy

Your Own Story

Your Method for Processing

Your Character

Chapter 20: Ten Reasons Managers Give for Not Addressing Conflict

I Don’t Really Know How

I Don’t Want to Open a Can of Worms

I Haven’t Been Successful Before

Problem? What Problem?

I Don’t Know Where to Start

It’s Not My Business

I’m Not a Babysitter

I Have Real Work to Do

I Don’t Want to Have to Fire Anyone

I Don’t Want to Look Bad

Chapter 21: Ten Pearls of Wisdom from Professional Mediators

Value the Process as Much as the Outcome

Accept That Her Truth Is Her Reality

Rapport Matters

Be Present and Available

Find Common Ground for More Success

Be Aware That This Isn’t the Participants’ Best Moment

Silence Is Golden

Be Curious

Fear Rules the World

Look to the Future

Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies®

by Vivian Scott & The Dispute Resolution Center of Snohomish & Island Counties

Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies®

Published byWiley Publishing, Inc.111 River St.Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774www.wiley.com

Copyright © 2010 by Wiley Publishing, Inc., Indianapolis, Indiana

Published simultaneously in Canada

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About the Author

Vivian Scott is a Professional Certified Mediator with a private practice in Snohomish, Washington. She has handled a variety of workplace cases, ranging from helping business partners end their relationship with dignity to creating a new working environment for a law firm. She has completed an extensive practicum and certification program with the Dispute Resolution Center of Snohomish & Island Counties, where she mediates on a regular basis helping parties resolve conflict in workplace, family, consumer, and landlord/tenant disputes. Scott is a member of the Washington Mediation Association and spends much of her time advocating for meaningful resolution.

Prior to retiring in 1999 from the competitive world of high-tech marketing, she realized that resolving conflict within the confines of office politics was paramount to success. She used her discerning negotiation, mediation, and problem-solving skills to forge and cultivate relationships with Washington, D.C.–based small business associations and departments on behalf of her employer, earning a rare personal honor from the Small Business Administration for her commitment to the business community.

Scott received the Silver Screen Award from the U.S. International Film and Video Festival for outstanding creativity for her role as developer and Executive Producer of the America at Work video series, which aired on the USA Network. She holds a BA in Interdisciplinary Arts & Sciences with an emphasis in American Studies from the University of Washington.

Scott lives with her partner of 11 years, Brent, and is the proud mom to a grown daughter, Vanessa, who will soon be a stellar attorney and mediator in her own right. Scott can be reached through her Web site at www.vivianscottmediation.com.

Dedication

To Vanessa and Brent, who always give me a soft place to land. Thank you for seeing my imperfections and loving me anyway.

Author’s Acknowledgments

I’d like to thank all the people who played a part in bringing this book to life, including my Wiley friends Mike Lewis, Rhea Siegel, Sarah Faulkner, Elizabeth Rea, Elizabeth Kuball, Todd Lothery, and Gary Zimmerman. Big thanks also to the countless family and friends who candidly answered my questions about their personal struggles in the workplace.

The brilliant staff at the Dispute Resolution Center of Snohomish & Island Counties (in Everett, Washington) deserve much credit for their unselfish work and writing prowess. Thanks to the DRC employees for their level heads and warm hearts. Specifically:

Ryan Mattfeld, Certified Mediator and Senior Trainer at the DRC, who has a BA in Sociology from Western Washington University. Ryan is responsible for developing DRC trainings as well as designing new mediation products and materials. Ryan lives in Seattle with his wife, Christine, and their son, Reese.

Melissa Mertz, Certified Mediator and Mediation/Training Coordinator, who manages the Mediator Certification and Volunteer Mediator programs, as well as office operations. She has a BS degree in Criminal Justice from the University of North Dakota. She lives in Everett with her husband, Chris.

LaDessa Croucher, Certified Mediator and Ombudsman, who has mediated for the DRC of Missoula County in Montana and the Mediation Center of the Pacific in Hawaii. She has a BA in Communication Studies from the University of Montana and coordinates the Small Claims Mediation Program in Snohomish County.

Kathy Rice, Executive Mediator and Program Manager, who has mediated more than 1,000 cases in her career. She has worked in the field of conflict resolution for over 16 years, designing, customizing, and providing successful conflict resolution trainings, mediations, and services.

The Dispute Resolution Center is an alternative justice center that provides a wide range of ADR services, including mediation, training, and a full array of workplace conflict resolution services. Its program Director, Matt Phillips, JD, has worked in the field of ADR for 10 years. The DRC is a program of the Volunteers of America Western Washington. Special thanks to Gloria Elledge, Kathleen Rostkoski, and Anahi Machiavelli for holding down the fort while the rest of us wrote.

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Introduction

Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.

—François de La Rochefoucauld

Every day in offices, retail stores, factories, and any number of other workplaces, people are having conflicts with co-workers. Whether you work for a nonprofit organization, a small family business, a Fortune 100 company, or a fledgling upstart, if you work with at least one other person, it’s safe to say that you have disagreements and face difficulties at times. It’s normal, natural, and nothing to fear.

You can drive yourself bonkers trying to create a workplace that’s completely void of conflict all the time. And why would you want to create such a work environment? Contrary to what you may believe, conflict isn’t inherently all bad. When handled properly, conflict can actually create positive changes and new opportunities in your organization. Successfully making the shift in your perspective from seeing only the negative in disagreements to seeing the prospect for positive change is the first step to resolving difficulties.

But how do you go about finding positive outcomes in what on the surface looks like a negative situation? You have to become skilled at calming the infernos by helping employees through discussions that prove to them that they can solve their own issues without always having to have someone (you!) in the middle, acting as referee. Become a coach for your team — someone they can trust to bring the real and right issues to the table for effective problem solving.

When it comes to your own workplace conflicts, if you broaden your perspective to include the other person’s point of view, you’re sure to come out of the dispute with a better working relationship. Being at the center of controversy is never a good idea for anyone, so decide to use the uneasy situation as an opportunity to improve systems, relationships, and your credibility.

In this book, I tell you what the most common causes of workplace conflict are and how to address them by using a proven mediation method and philosophy. And remember: Every story always has more than one side.

About This Book

This book is a tool intended to help managers (or anyone who has a job) work through conflict with peers, subordinates, and even bosses. It’s primarily aimed at those employees in organizations who find themselves negotiating difficulties without the benefit of having professional conflict resolution or mediation experience. The chapters are chock-full of facilitation techniques and tools that come from successful conflict resolution experts, delivered in a way that’s easy to understand and ready for you to apply right away.

Many employees who’ve felt helpless as previously functioning working relationships went south will appreciate that the information in this book shows them they’re not doomed to repeat the past but instead can create a new way of dealing with problems when they arise — and they will arise. I lay out, and describe the function of, internal and external resources for you to turn to as the situation warrants. The information I serve up helps you build a customized plan for your unique situation.

In today’s increasingly competitive job market, the insight I share with you about settling unsettling situations is invaluable. I share my personal experiences and the knowledge I’ve gained from mediating a variety of workplace, family, and consumer disputes, and I let you in on a few trade secrets.

I also enlist the expertise of some of the best mediators I know to show you exactly what to do to resolve conflict. Their collective proficiency in settling differences between 2 or 200 makes for an excellent chance of creating long-lasting and satisfying agreements.

Conventions Used in This Book

To help make this book easier to navigate, I include the following conventions:

I introduce new terms in italics and then define them.

I use bold text to highlight key words in bulleted lists.

What You’re Not to Read

As an author, I’d be thrilled if you read every word I wrote. But from a practical standpoint, I know you’re busy — with your day-to-day tasks at work and the conflict you’re undoubtedly trying to resolve. To make this book even easier to use, I’m going to let you in on a secret. When you see sidebars — text in gray-shaded boxes — feel free to skip them. These asides are often real-life examples or other tidbits I’ve picked up during my years as a mediator. The stories can drive home a point I make in the accompanying chapter or offer a new perspective on a situation, but you’ll get the main point of any section or chapter even if you don’t read them.

Foolish Assumptions

I’m assuming you have a job, paid or volunteer, and that you interact with people. I’m also assuming you have some sort of management responsibility — be it keeping the line moving at the manufacturing plant or trying to keep your reputation intact as the star manager in the strongest department of an international corporation. And I’m thinking you’re currently experiencing some trouble. You may be sick and tired of a conflict between two of your employees, or you may be bickering with a colleague, or perhaps you’re at a loss as to what to do about the problems between you and your boss. My final assumption? I’m guessing you want to do something about it.

How This Book Is Organized

This book is organized into five parts.

Part I: Understanding Conflict in the Workplace

Every book about workplace conflict should start with a broad understanding of how problems arise in the first place. This part describes how individuals and groups play a part in troubles at work. Understanding where people are coming from is key to solving the real issues, so in this part, I tell you how you as a manager can sometimes cause problems without even knowing it and what you can do not to make matters worse. I also give you a few signs to look for so you know when it’s time to step in. The cost of doing nothing can be staggering, so I provide some points to think about that may spur you to take action.

Part II: Resolving a Conflict between Two or More of Your Employees

This part is a crash course in mediating a problem between two co-workers or an entire group. It starts by walking you through how to develop a plan, when and how to approach the people involved, and how to get a meeting started. I share my knowledge on the art of asking effective questions to get at what’s really bothering folks, and then I tell you what I know about brainstorming and negotiating possible solutions. I show you how to help everyone write agreements that leave little room for confusion and how to take a mediation process and adapt it for a large group. Real resolution only comes when you can quantify it over a specified period, so I provide tips on monitoring agreements and noting progress.

Part III: Using Additional Resources to Resolve the Conflict

Handling problems yourself is all well and good, but what happens when everything you try just isn’t working? This part outlines where to turn inside the organization and who may be able to help you from the outside. I describe what to look for in (and what to expect from) conflict resolution experts. I also give you ideas to keep your team functioning while you figure out the next step.

Part IV: Smoothly Handling Conflict When You’re One of the People Involved

Oh my! Even if you’re the best manager on the face of the planet, you can still have problems with people at work. Being at the center of a conflict puts you in a bit of a predicament, so I show you how to identify what the other person really wants, how to work through his resistance to meeting with you, and how to discuss the issues in a way that has the potential to result in a satisfying agreement.

If you’re the boss, I give you tips on how to temper your power while still asking for what you want. If you’re a peer, you’ll discover how to honor your colleague’s position without feeling as if you’re giving in. And if you’re a subordinate, I walk you through how to have a productive meeting with your manager. I also give you a few hints about how sometimes leaving your current job with grace and dignity can benefit you in the long run.

Part V: The Part of Tens

Here, I walk you through more tips and strategies to improve your odds of managing and resolving conflict effectively. Focusing on what you can’t control in a conflict is far too common, so I give you a list of ten things that are in your control. Wicked-smart experts I know shared insight from their years of experience so I could provide you with some of the best advice around. I also give you a list of behaviors and attitudes to avoid. Pay special attention to the common reasons managers don’t handle problems to avoid falling into the negative patterns yourself.

Icons Used in This Book

Throughout the book you’ll notice icons to draw your attention to something I want you to pay particular attention to.

If I know an easier way to do something or have an idea for creating a better working environment now and in the future, this icon tells you that.

I use this icon to flag some important information that you don’t want to forget.

This icon alerts you to common blunders that you want to avoid.

This icon is just what it sounds like — nothing beats a real life example to illustrate a point!

Where to Go from Here

Conflict Resolution at Work For Dummies is a book I hope you refer to again and again. You don’t have to read it cover to cover to gain the insight you need to deal with conflict at work. You can flip to the chapter that best meets your needs today and come back to other sections as needed.

You may have a bookshelf full of management how-to tomes, but it’s still a good idea to start with understanding what makes an employee tick and why she sees the world the way she does, so start with Chapter 2 to get right to the heart of the matter.

If you feel you have a pretty good handle on how emotions, values, and group dynamics contribute to conflict, and you’re ready to mediate a problem between two or more people, head straight to Chapter 6 and follow through to Chapter 10. To gain an understanding of nuances to consider when you’re one of the parties smack dab in the middle of the problem, go to Chapter 15.

Finally, if you feel you may be in over your head and you’d like to find out more about how to enlist the help of an expert, check out Chapter 13 to see what your company may be able to do, and turn to Chapter 14 to research external professionals. In the meantime, be sure to consider the tips for keeping your team focused in Chapter 12.

Although this book is designed so that you can start anywhere, don’t feel obligated to jump around. If you’re a traditionalist who likes to read every book from cover to cover, just turn the page!

Part I

Understanding Conflict in the Workplace

In this part . . .

This part covers what you need to know to understand workplace conflict. I help you create a comprehensive framework to use in any conflict situation and fill you in on the various contributors to conflict. I discuss how difficult situations can either escalate or de-escalate depending on your reaction, and I identify common mistakes to avoid. I also provide information on self-reflection and point out behaviors that indicate it’s time to take action.

Chapter 1

An Overview of Conflict Resolution at Work

In This Chapter

Looking at causes of workplace conflict

Using a mediation process to help employees through problems

Finding and using conflict expertise

Managing a conflict between you and another person

You may love your family and friends, but truth be told, you spend much of your time with the people at work. Not getting along with co-workers, or having members of your team at odds with one another can be stressful and distracting. In addition, problems in the workplace rarely stay at work; they can permeate every aspect of your life. So it behooves you to take the time to understand what’s behind a conflict, to get beyond the surface issues, and to work to find satisfying resolutions for everyone involved.

Being curious about how to resolve conflict means you’re probably ready to try something different. And being open to trying something different means you have a good shot at getting closure. Settling differences effectively requires you to step back and look at the broader picture, be mindful of another person’s point of view, and take into account peripheral factors that may be creating or provoking problems, like group dynamics or workplace norms.

In this chapter, I give you an overview of conflict resolution so you can successfully mediate problems in your workplace, whether those problems are between two individuals or within a larger group. I also tell you about additional conflict resolution resources you may have at your disposal. Finally, I tell you how to adapt your newfound conflict resolution knowledge to situations that hit a little closer to home — when you’re directly involved in the conflict.

Considering Common Contributors to Conflict

As much as you may think of yourself as a unique individual and see your problems as complex and one-of-a-kind, you actually have a lot in common with your colleagues when it comes to how conflicts get started and why problems escalate into unbearable situations. For the most part, workplace difficulties fall into common categories, such as

Communication (and miscommunication)

Employee attitudes

Honesty

Insubordination

Treatment of others

Work habits

Although most conflicts fall into these common categories, the company or organization you work for has unique DNA. The combination of its employees, policies, and culture has the potential to either create the most productive working environment you can imagine or ignite some of the most traumatic problems you’ve encountered in your career. Whether it’s the former, the latter, or somewhere in between depends on how employees — and especially you, if you’re a manager — handle conflict.

Effectively addressing conflict takes into account the obvious surface issue, the emotional climate surrounding the topic, and your knowledge of the viewpoints of the people involved in the dispute. In this section, I provide insight into how differing perspectives can cause employees to feel like ships passing in the night. I also discuss emotions, touch on the importance of communication in your organization, and look at group dynamics, including your role in the group.

Acknowledging differing perspectives

You and each of the employees on your team have a lens through which you see the world and one another. Everything you see, hear, and say goes through your filter on the way in and on the way out. These filters determine how you present and receive information. They color, distort, or amplify information in both positive and negative ways and act much like personal interpreters in every situation.

Your individual kaleidoscope is shaped by things like your personal history, education, values, culture, and the roles you play in your life, both at work and at home. Everything you consider important works together to create your worldview. The same is true for your co-workers. An employee who comes from the school of hard knocks may very well have a different perspective about educational opportunities in the workplace than a colleague who graduated top in his class from an Ivy League school.

When I discuss values, I’m not talking about tangible assets like your car, your house, or your diamond jewelry. Rather, values in this context are things like safety, respect, autonomy, and recognition.

Being familiar with your employees’ values helps you resolve conflicts. For example, say that two employees are having an argument over where to stack some vendor binders. If you can appreciate that one employee sees respect as paramount in his environment, and his workspace is encroached by his colleague with a lackadaisical attitude toward boundaries, you have a better chance of helping the two resolve the issue. Rather than swooping in to tell the pair that the vendor notebooks they’re arguing about should go on a shelf, you can facilitate a conversation about the real issue — respect. After you address the issue of respect, where the binders should go will be relatively easy to decide.

In Chapter 2, I go into more detail about filters, values, and the emotions individuals bring to conflict.

Recognizing emotions in others

Most organizations embrace positive emotions. The excitement over landing the big account, the revelry celebrating the product launch, or the congratulatory slaps on the back as the ribbon is cut for the newly completed project are all ways employees acknowledge optimistic emotions. Where managers often falter is in failing to recognize that every emotion — from upbeat to angry — is a clue to discovering people’s personal values. Positive emotions are a sign that values are being met, while negative ones suggest that some work still needs to be done!

It’s obvious that a situation has turned emotional when tears flow or an employee ratchets up the volume when he speaks, to the point that the entire office slips into an uncomfortable silence. What’s a little more difficult is knowing what to do with such passionate responses. Emotional reactions are often seen as negative behavior in just about any workplace, but if you spend some time investigating and interpreting them, you can get a leg up on how to resolve the trouble. Check out Chapter 2 for a complete discussion of emotions at work.

Handling communication mishaps

Communication makes the world go ’round, and the same is true for you and your employees. Word choice, tone of voice, and body language all contribute to whether or not you understand each other.

Using vague or confusing language causes communication misfires. Phrases such as “when you get a chance,” “several,” or “sometimes” don’t accurately state what you really mean. Similarly, words like “always” and “never” can get you in trouble. Choosing your words wisely, and in a way that invites dialogue, makes for a less stressful work environment and models good communication. See Chapter 2 for more tips on communicating effectively.

Deciphering group dynamics

Two employees can completely understand each other and work like a well-oiled machine. Then a third co-worker joins the team, and now you have group dynamics in play. Wow, that changes everything! A team that’s cohesive and meeting its goals can be exhilarating from management’s perspective. But if cliques form and co-workers start looking for allies to enlist in power plays behind closed doors, communication breaks down.

Teams have a propensity to label members — the caretaker, the go-to guy, the historian, and so on. It’s good to know who’s who in a group, but the responsibilities that come with those labels may be impossible (or undesirable) to live up to. Employees start to make assumptions based on the labeled roles, such as assuming that the go-to guy will happily accept any assignment you give him. Conjecture based on limited or selective information causes miscommunication, misunderstandings, and ultimately, conflict.

To address what happens when members of a group are undergoing difficulties, investigate how and when the problem started and determine if the problem stems from just a few staff members or if the impact is so great that you need to tackle the problem with the entire team. And flip to Chapter 3 for more information on the way group dynamics can contribute to conflict.

Assessing your own role

Something you’re either doing or not doing may be causing friction on your team, and you may not even know what it is. Most people in conflict tend to spend more time thinking about what the other person is doing than looking at their own behavior and attitudes toward the difficulty.

Chapter 4 outlines some of the common missteps that managers make in their attempts to handle problems at work. I discuss ways you may be unwittingly pitting team members against each other, address the dreaded micromanaging accusation, and explain how underrepresenting your team to the higher-ups may unite them in a way that puts you at the center of a storm.

Mediating like a Pro

You can settle conflict in a variety of ways, including the following:

Judging (or arbitrating): Hear what each party has to say and then decide who’s right and who’s wrong.

Counseling: Listen with an empathetic ear with no expectation on your part for immediate action.

Negotiation: Go back and forth between the employees while each suggests solutions until they land on something as a compromise that may not truly satisfy either person.

Mediation: Monitor and guide a conversation between the two as they work toward understanding each other and creating solutions that work for both.

When I meet with clients in conflict, I prefer to use a tried-and-true mediation process that looks at both the surface issues and the underlying causes for the difficulty. In this section, I show you why mediation is your best bet for a long-term solution and improved working relationship.

Following eight steps to a resolution

Using a solid process to mediate a meeting between co-workers in conflict gives you a foundation on which to manage and monitor the difficulty. Follow these steps from a professional mediation process:

1. Do preliminary planning and setup: Carefully investigate who’s involved and what you believe the issues are, and invite the parties to discuss the matter with you. Provide a private, comfortable, and confidential environment for the meeting.

2. Greet and discuss the process: Explain your role as a neutral facilitator, and go over the ground rules, including your expectation for open minds and common courtesy.

3. Share perspectives: Give each person an opportunity to share his point of view and discuss the impact the conflict has had on him. Reflect, reframe, and neutralize emotional content while honoring the spirit of what he’s sharing.

4. Build an agenda: Allow both parties to create a list of topics (not solutions) they want to discuss. The list acts as a road map that keeps the discussion on track.

5. Negotiate in good faith: As co-workers discuss initial ideas for solutions, set the tone by listening to any and all ideas. Brainstorm and play out how suggestions might work and whether they satisfy what’s most important to the employees.

6. Hold private meetings as necessary: If parties are at an impasse, meet separately with each to confidentially explore what’s keeping each from moving forward. Discuss what each is willing to do (or ask for) in the spirit of progress and real resolution.

7. Craft agreements: Bring employees back together and let them share, if they so choose, any discoveries they made during the private meeting sessions. Begin to narrow down solutions and come to an agreement (with details!) on who will do what and when.

8. Monitor follow-through: Keep track of progress, address hiccups, and refine as appropriate.

Facilitating a conversation between two people

Before you begin the mediation process, you need to consider the following:

A suitable meeting space: You want the employees to feel comfortable enough in the meeting location to open up about the real issues. Meet in a place that has lots of privacy — like an out-of-the-way conference room — and avoid any chance of turf wars by making sure the location is viewed as neutral territory.

Confidentiality: You need to build trust for a mediation conversation (see Chapter 6 for details on setting up a meeting), so agreeing to keep the conversation between the colleagues is a must, whether you act as mediator or bring in an outside expert.

Time and interruptions: You probably want to set aside at least four hours to work through the issues, and you want to clear your schedule of other responsibilities so that the meeting isn’t interrupted.

When you make the decision to mediate a conversation between feuding parties, a few things change for you. It’s imperative that you walk a fine line between manager and mediator. As a manager, you have the power to make decisions; as a mediator, you have the power to put the onus on the employees and act as a neutral third party (who just happens to be coming to the table with a skill set that the co-workers have yet to develop).

Practicing the arts of reflecting and reframing an employee’s point of view may be an initial challenge for you, but it’s worth it in the end. The employee will appreciate your efforts to respond to his emotions, your accurate descriptions of what’s most important to him, and your empathetic recognition of what impact the conflict has had on him. And both parties will benefit from you listening to understand their perspective because they’ll hear each other’s story in a new way. Chapter 7 walks you through these steps and helps you keep your footing along the path of conflict resolution.

Negotiating a resolution to conflict starts with getting all the relevant information about the past on the table and ends with a clear definition of what the future could be. Get there by listening for what’s really important to the parties involved and then asking directed, open-ended questions. In Chapter 8, I provide questions and cover the process of moving people through the negotiation stage of a mediated conversation.

The best solutions satisfy all parties involved and, perhaps more important, are lasting. Putting a bandage on a gaping wound stops the bleeding for a few seconds, but stitches will help it heal permanently. So it is with finding a solution to a conflict; it’s much more rewarding in the long run not to have to address the same problems over and over. Be open to letting your employees try solutions for a while as you monitor the situation from a measured distance, and have them come back to the table, if necessary, until they reach a lasting agreement. Chapter 9 helps you work with your employees to develop good solutions and agreements. Chapter 11 gives you the tools you need to successfully monitor those agreements.

Managing conflict with a team

If the conflict making its way through your organization seems to affect each and every employee in your organization, planning for and facilitating a team meeting may be the answer.

The more upfront preparation you do, the better your odds are for a fruitful outcome, so set yourself up for success by following a few simple tips:

Decide whether you’re neutral enough to facilitate the conversation. If not, look to a professional mediator or conflict resolution specialist to help.

Consider broad details like your goals and how you’ll develop milestones that quantify progress.

Plan for smaller details, like exactly how you’ll organize small group work and handle hecklers.

In Chapter 10, I discuss how to resolve conflict when larger groups are involved.

Following up and monitoring the situation takes some attention on your part. Look for signs of decreased tension and increases in work quality and quantity so that you can get out of the hall monitor role and back into the position of managing the business you were hired to direct. Check out Chapter 11 for tips on following up and monitoring the progress your team is making.

Tapping into Conflict Resolution Expertise

You don’t have to go it alone when difficulties evolve to the point that some sort of action is clearly necessary. And you don’t need to panic or jump in and attack the situation without first looking at the tools available to you. Create a customized approach to fit your unique circumstances by looking at what’s already in place and then determining how to augment that with a little help from your friends. If you find yourself working to mentor an employee through conflict, offer him training and educational opportunities, and always leave the door open for customizing what’s right for him.

While you’re doing that, keep your team focused on the work at hand by following the advice I give in Chapter 12.

Internal resources

Human Resources is an obvious place to start when you begin your search for advice and insight about a conflict. These personnel professionals can help you investigate an employee’s work history and interpret company policy or employment law. They often lend a hand with customized trainings and can identify employee assistance programs such as counseling and addiction specialists.

They can also point you to other entities that may be able to help, including

Shared neutrals: Common in large organizations and government agencies, shared neutrals are individuals selected from different departments with various levels of authority. They’re trained in mediation and are brought together to purposely create a diverse group perspective.

The ombudsman: An ombudsman is an employee in a company who provides a safe place to talk, vent, explore ideas, troubleshoot, or brainstorm any workplace topic.

Unions: If your company has a relationship with a union, you can always tap into its strength and problem-solving expertise.

Flip to Chapter 13 for more about these and other internal resources you can utilize in a conflict.

External resources

The cost of doing nothing can far outweigh the budgetary impact of hiring an expert, but looking for the right entity to help can be overwhelming. Check credentials as you consider trainers, conflict coaches, and mediators to help with ongoing problems. Local dispute resolution centers, mediation associations, and professional training organizations can help you find experts in your area (see Chapter 14 for details about each).

Consider turning to an external specialist when

The conflict is beyond your current abilities or the scope of internal resources.

You’re unable to stay neutral or unable to be seen as neutral.

You can’t guarantee confidentiality or would like to offer an added layer of privacy.

It’s important to you to create a personal or professional boundary.

You want to communicate the seriousness of the matter.

You want to participate in the process so you’d like someone else to take the lead.

Dealing with a Direct Conflict

Having difficulty with someone you work with can weigh heavily on you. Conflict isn’t fun, even if you’ve somewhat enjoyed plotting the next move that will surely crush your opponent. Conflict takes a lot of energy, and when it gets to the point that uninvolved co-workers start directing attention toward you and your problems, or the work around you is affected, it’s time to keep your reputation intact and figure things out.

Chances are that you’re ready to resolve your differences and create a little peace and quiet. Take into account the unique characteristics that each of your working relationships has, but take care to treat everyone (subordinate, peer, and superior) with the utmost respect to avoid meeting that person again in what could be a horribly uncomfortable situation (like in the interview for a big promotion a year from now!). Knowing how to adapt your approach based on your co-worker’s position on the org chart can make the difference between making matters worse and keeping your dignity in what may otherwise be an unbecoming situation. Staying true to yourself while you make room for a colleague’s perspective is not only possible — it’s necessary. (See Chapter 18 for details on how to tailor your approach to the org chart.)

Finding solutions that work for both of you

When you think about addressing a conflict, ask yourself, “What’s motivating me to have this conversation?” If your answer is that you want to shame or threaten the other person, then the skills I share with you in this book won’t do you any good. Being tricky to get your way and leave the other person in the dust doesn’t really resolve conflict; it may hold it off for a while, but it’s safe to say that the person you see as your opponent will find another opportunity to fight back.

How do you figure out what both people in a conflict want? You start by identifying core values. What do you think the other person wants when he says, “Don’t touch anything on my desk ever again!”? Does he want you to leave his workspace alone, or do you think his emotional reaction indicates that he values respect? Perhaps from his perspective, co-workers show one another respect by asking permission before taking the stack of reports he’s working on. And therein lies the real issue for him.

Figure out what you value (what’s most important to you). Practice ways to communicate that information to your co-worker, and then create a productive meeting in which both of you share what’s important. Be sure to reflect and restate what you hear him say is important to him, neutralize the emotions you see or hear, and get to work on coming up with solutions that fit the whole problem, not just your side.

If you’re not sure what either or both of you really want, head to Chapter 15, where I help you look at both sides of the conflict. After you have an idea of what each side wants, ask your co-worker to meet with you (I tell you the best way to do this in Chapter 16). When you’re ready to sit down to discuss the conflict, be sure to heed the advice I give in Chapter 17.

Look for ways to solve difficulties that give you both what you want. And if you really need to feel like you’ve won, consider the idea that including your co-worker in the solution expands the win rather than cancels it out.

Creating a different future

Use a different tactic when you start a conversation with a colleague or your boss to avoid some of the stale arguments you’ve been having. Taking a new approach is the first step in setting the stage for what happens next. Having the same old discussion over and over (and over!) may be a sign that one or both of you aren’t really taking the level of responsibility needed in order to move on. If self-assessment isn’t your strong suit, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Making an effective apology

In my experience, the right apology at the right time can significantly change a working relationship, even if it appears to be irrevocably broken. Your co-worker can get past the differences quicker and with more grace if you’re able to acknowledge what you’ve done to contribute to the conflict. By giving a sincere apology, you eliminate the risk that he’ll hold you hostage for a wrongdoing. Admit it and move on!

If you really feel that you’ve been a victim and can’t see where you may have contributed to the tension, don’t make something up just to have something to apologize for. Less obvious contributors to the conflict may be the tone you’ve taken, whether you’ve been avoiding him, or perhaps the fact that you didn’t speak up sooner. Contemplate those and others that may come to mind before deciding an apology isn’t necessary.

Genuine apologies, in my opinion, are more than saying, “I’m sorry.” They include a description of what you’re sorry for, an assurance that it won’t happen again, and a request for an opportunity to make it up to the injured party. Your regret may model for your counterpart the apology you’d like to hear as well! Your statement should go something like this: “I’m sorry I waited to share the information with you. From here on out, I’ll be sure to let you know about my findings as soon as I receive the data. What can I do to make up for my hesitation?”

Consider the strengths each of you bring to the workplace, and capitalize on those to move your relationship forward. The employee who nitpicks your daily reports may be the very person who saves you from embarrassing yourself with faulty data in front of the execs. Step back and consider that someone, somewhere thinks this person is an asset to the organization and that how you handle this situation makes a difference to that someone. Put effort into taking steps to building a new relationship and a more cohesive future. Be seen as a leader rather than someone who enjoys kicking up the dust.

Find the common ground you share (and you do have some!). At the very least, the two of you probably agree there’s a problem, that you’d like it to end, and that you both most likely want the working conditions to get better. Outside of that, perhaps you and your colleague would like a process improved, want to find ways to foster teamwork, or want to make sure your reputations aren’t tarnished by your not-so-private difficulties. How you’ve both gone about trying to achieve those goals, though, may be at the center of your conflict. Finding and examining common ground helps you both own the problem and the solution. Flip to Chapter 17 for tips on how to find common ground and negotiate resolutions with a colleague.

Chapter 2

Understanding What People Bring to Conflict

In This Chapter

Reviewing communication

Understanding the individual’s perspective

Shedding light on emotions

Addressing common responses to conflict

Each person in your workplace is a complex system of past experiences, beliefs, values, opinions, and emotions. Each has different ways of communicating, processing the things around him or her, and handling conflict. Much like fingerprints, each individual is unique.

This chapter helps you gain a better insight into the people on your team — why they see things the way they do, why they react to different people in different ways, and how their emotions can complicate the whole situation. You’ll understand how your colleagues’ personal beliefs and attributes contribute to the team dynamic and sometimes contribute to conflict (which is normal, natural, and inevitable by the way) so that you can build better working relationships and a more productive working environment. You’ll see the broader foundation of conflict and be more prepared to proactively reduce and perhaps prevent it.

Rediscovering Communication

Good communication is the hallmark of a productive working relationship. Easier said than done, right? Even when you believe you’re being crystal clear, it’s possible that the other person doesn’t understand what you’re really trying to say. This happens for a variety of reasons, including differences in goals, misunderstandings with language, ambiguous body language, and misinterpretations of tone of voice.

Changing the goal of communication

Not every conversation has the same goal. The workday is packed with a multitude of circumstances in which people communicate in various ways for a variety of reasons. You may approach a colleague to gather information you need for a project. A subordinate may start a conversation to explain her point of view on a memo you sent. Your boss may send you an e-mail reminding you of a deadline. Even people participating in the same conversation have different reasons for participating. Reaching agreement is commonly thought of as the goal, but this misconception is often one of the most unnecessary causes of conflicts.

In conflict, goals for communication often turn destructive. If someone in your group enters into a conversation for the sole purpose of proving that she’s right, making the other person feel bad or establishing that the other person is an incompetent fool, the conflict is likely to get worse.

Instead of focusing on reaching agreement, use these opportunities to change the goal of the communication. The new goal is to create understanding — and understanding doesn’t mean agreeing. It isn’t necessary for the two people in conflict to see eye to eye and walk away holding hands, but it’s helpful if they can talk to each other respectfully, feel heard by each other, and gain a greater understanding of the situation and the other person.