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- Herausgeber: CASSAVA REPUBLIC
- Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016
Voinjama Johnson is a woman on the brink of a dark, downward spiral. Suffering from misfortunes past and present, all Vee has is her work as an investigative journalist to hang on to. Now her career, like her sanity, is under fire. A revenant haunts Vee's steps – during her blackouts, the ghost of a strange teenage girl in a red woollen hat keeps reaching out to her. Desperate for answers, she and her new assistant Chlöe Bishop plunge into the disappearance of seventeen-year-old Jacqueline Paulsen. As Vee and Chlöe enter the maze of a case full of dead ends, the life of their intrepid missing girl reveals a family at odds – a dead half-brother, an ambitious father running from his past and the two women he has loved and ruined, a clutch of siblings with lies in their midst. How could a young girl leave home to play tennis one bright Saturday and never be seen again, and what do the dysfunctional circle of people she knew have to hide? Every thread Vee pulls in Jacqueline's tight weave of intrigue brings her closer to redemption and an unravelling more dangerous than she bargained for. In compelling and witty prose, The Lazarus Effect is an evocative tale of the underbelly and otherworld of love, murder and madness in a Cape Town that visitors seldom see. This is an enthralling debut by an exciting new author in the world of crime fiction.
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THE LAZARUS EFFECT
HJ Golakai
To my family, who know me best and worst. And Miss Gloria Dunbar, for teaching me ‘the difference’.
You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother. But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke from off your neck.
Genesis 27:40
The Holy Bible
New International Version
THE LAZARUS EFFECT
HJ Golakai
Contents
Prologue
The teenager broke the bones of her neck and wrist and felt no pain. The core of her being, a vibrant girl who had loved the colour red and salty, vinegar-soaked chips, was gone – spirit and flesh had parted ways two years earlier. The husk left behind meandered through an underground drainpipe. The pipe traversed a field and wandered into a residential suburb with a brisk business imprint, its chambers swollen with rainwater. A torrent of filth – mud, plastic garbage, the effluent of other people’s lives and carelessness – pushed the remains back and forth.
The girl’s corpse had lain dry and undisturbed for over two summers, nestled in a storm drain protected from the elements by pipe failure in the drainage system. This year’s rains were particularly brutal, disrupting the rest haven. Flooded, the concrete channel rolled and settled, shifting and releasing its contents. The corpse had knocked through kilometres of sub-city planning, bones breaking along the way. Now, it faced a battle of size versus mechanics: the larger channel diverted into smaller culverts and the force of the run-off was too weak to expel the unusually large cargo. The girl’s corpse lay wedged between a fair-sized stone and the unyielding lip of a pipe – stuck, literally, between a rock and hard place, rocking gently in the current.
Braving the cold on a nearby footbridge, a solitary figure hopped from foot to foot, waiting for some sign of the body. After days of rain, the torrent should have released it, or a piece of it, by now. Nothing had appeared, meaning it had to be stuck in the system. Something like this had been bound to happen. The watcher had been quick to the scene within an hour of the first raindrops falling and had tried and failed to pull off a rescue mission. Trying to fight the strong current in a confined space, alone and on an empty stomach, was a mad idea. A death wish. Only the living could fight for the dead, and the watcher felt frozen between those two worlds most of the time.
So, the watcher watched. As the first to have seen the dead girl dumped in the storm drain and the last one to see her alive, the watcher’s waiting was mixed with a strange sense of loss. She wasn’t coming out. Eventually she would, but not today or tomorrow. And when she did, whatever terrible things had landed her under the city would pop out, too. Trouble was behind her; the watcher also waited with a sense of dread.
Breathe.
A few hundred metres away, a solo jogger zipping past the open expanse of Rondebosch Common grappled with the smaller but no less important issue of personal biology.
Voinjama Johnson grunted as her legs ate up asphalt. She had no objection at all to the principle of fitness; in fact, she’d missed – in a distant, offhand way – her university days as a star track and fielder. But this new ‘taking back command’ routine – forcing herself to do things like run at ungodly hours to prove to her body that she was mistress of it – was a pain in the ass. She sucked in lungfuls of air, eyes watering a little as it nipped around her nostrils. The rub of a Cape Town winter, a temperamental witch’s brew of whipping winds and slanting rain and rolling fog and wan sunlight, wasn’t much help either.
Vee cruised to a halt and bent double, hands gripping knees, appalled at how unfit she was. Her mind was definitely racing faster than her body; miraculous, considering how much more baggage it had. Thoughts to the tune of, Please, by summertime, let it be over. Or let it be better, easier. If things had improved, if ‘it’ had come under control by then, she’d fulfil every promise (lie) she’d made to God. Anything so that these absurd morning runs wouldn’t be necessary any more. The running was meant to clear her head, but evidently the blockage up there was being cleverly circumvented. Doctors couldn’t tell you everything …
‘Can’t tell you squat,’ she wheezed, clenching her teeth against another stab of leg pain.
… but it was reasonable to assume that at least one of their remedies would’ve worked, either by blind luck or a process of elimination. Psychosomatic manifestation of pain. Hyperventilation. Periodic blackouts. Idiopathic illness, they said, shaking their heads. We can’t diagnose if we can’t pinpoint a causative agent. Apparently, no diagnosis was still reason enough to medicate every symptom to death. Take these pills to help you sleep. No thanks, they carry me down too deep. Then I’m groggy all day. These ones should work for the pain. Theyknock out all my other senses, too. I zombiefy. Homeopathic medicine? I can’t afford it! And isn’t that just white people’s version of witchcraft? Start a pastime then. Do something creative. I have a job that pays me to do that. How much more creativity do I need? No, not your job. For yourself. You need a hobby to take your mind off things.
To take a mind off a thing. So simple a principle, yet so mammoth an undertaking. Mind … thing … flick of a switch … off. If only life were so–
A series of spasms interrupted her thoughts, growing from flutters and trembles into agonising, involuntary clenches, and then rolling into one whole-body muscle seizure. Vee hunched and bit a howl down to a low groan. Bad, bad place and time. Making a spectacle of herself on the Common like an addict in the throes of a meltdown: terrible idea.
Through a prickling of sweat and tears, she flexed enough to catch sight of another jogger, bounding along with all the vim and vitality she would never have. Summoning all the strength she had, all she knew she’d have for the rest of the morning, Vee pulled herself upright. Her vision swam.
The mirage, a caterpillar-like blur of white sneakers in a streak of maroon, tightened focus into the figure of a dark-haired young woman in a velour tracksuit. You can’t find those tracksuits anywhere now, Vee thought, arranging her features into a mask of affable exhaustion. Two, three years ago they were the rage in shops, from cheap to boutique. Finding one now was like looking for a kidney on the black market. The woman looked Vee over and began to slow down, concern creeping into her smile. Grinning, Vee flipped her a reassuring thumbs-up and dug her fingers into her waist under the strain of keeping her legs steady, letting the woman take in her sweaty face and heaving chest for good measure. They exchanged the ‘you get it’ nods and smiles of those who shared intimate knowledge of a gruelling activity and the woman jogged on, shiny ponytail swishing behind her.
Vee felt her legs buckle, welcomed the concrete embrace of the footpath as she collapsed near its grassy verge. She fought to keep her lids open and eyes in focus, to keep her chest from exploding. Her arms twitched at her sides.
She disappeared down the mouth of the monster, the sensation of being swallowed crushing down on her breastbone, squeezing sound out of the air around her. Her eyes were live coals, scorching holes towards the back of her skull. Everything shimmered.
Through the haze coating her eyes, another figure materialised and moved closer. The outline was familiar … that of a teenage girl in a red woollen hat. Vee’s scream disintegrated into a croak in the back of her throat. She scuttled away, oblivious to shards of gravel digging into her back until a particularly jagged edge forced her to a halt. Wheezing for air against the knot lodged in her throat, she closed her eyes and counted backwards from fifty-three. Why fifty-three she had no clue – it had worked once in the past.
Vee got to zero, took several deep drags of air and blinked at the dawn once more. The girl in the red beanie was still there. Vee released a shuddering breath, squeezed her eyes closed again and ran through another countdown. This time when she opened her eyes, the expression on the girl’s face was a mixture of impatience and amusement, the smirk of someone who was in a hurry but wasn’t above killing a few minutes to see how long Vee’s silliness would continue. Once she had Vee’s full attention, the girl proceeded to do what she always did: head cocked, she studied Vee from her superior vantage point, a hunter at the end of a kill, watching an animal thrash out its pitiable last. Then her eyes softened. She shot a look over her shoulder and back to Vee several times, motioning with one hand.
She’s not misting.
Of course she wasn’t. Because she wasn’t there, wasn’t real. As solid as the teenager looked, tangible as a tree or scurrying squirrel, one detail betrayed her. Her chest rose and fell, but the winter chill belied proof of life. Vee watched her own breath turn to white mist as it hit the air; her tormentor had none. She moaned. She was losing her mind. Her heart thudded against the roof of her mouth like a tiny, dying bird.
‘Oh my God, are you all right?’
Vee peeped out from behind her hands, this time into a pair of eyes in a highly concerned and very real white face. She tried to answer and it came out a burble of gibberish running over her lips. Head lolling, she tried to relax and dug deep. Try again. Use your words, Johnson. Stand up. Kick your own ass if you have to.
Hovering, the woman patted down her pockets as her tiny, manic ruff of a dog bounced up and down, yipping.
‘You saw her?’ Vee managed at last. ‘She was right over there, with the red hat. You saw her, too?’
‘Who?’ The woman brandished her cell phone and fumbled with the keypad, peering down at Vee and scanning the area, fearful. ‘Saw who? Where? Were you mugged? Just hang on, young lady. I’m calling for help.’
Vee relinquished control of her neck muscles. Vomit spurted down her T-shirt and over her shoulder as she allowed her head to roll onto the pavement one final time. The dog licked the regurgitated breakfast off her face, while the owner struggled between pushing the animal away and yelling into the phone.
Vee closed her eyes against another really shitty morning.
ANATOMY OF A MURDER
Strawberry lips
Jacqui smoothed the duvet cover against the bed as flat as she could get it. Then she folded … once … twice … tucked the edges in tight under the mattress, smoothing her hand along as she went. A well-made bed mattered to her mother, and these days what mattered to her mother mattered to Jacqui. The kak would hit the fan soon enough and the more she did to sweeten the inescapable journey through hell, the easier she’d make things on herself.
The floor she could never get clean enough. Besides that, it really ruined the whole room. It simply didn’t match. She had no idea how something as concrete as a floor could be out of place, since all the other bits either had to work around it or ignore it completely. But this one did its best to piss her off. She didn’t know much about styling yet, but one day she definitely would. One day, when she was an interior designer, or just a designer, period, knowing and being known for having cutting-edge information on such things would be her effingbiznas! Cool would radiate from her in waves and people would envy her taste. She’d have closets bursting with top-notch stylish clothes that her friends could borrow without bothering to return. Her super-expensive convertible would have spinning rims and her mansion would be full of pimped-out shit–
‘Sherbet,’ Jacqui corrected herself out loud. ‘Sherbet, sherbet, sherbet! Never say shit, say sherbet!’ she ranted, scraping the broom over the ugly floor. No one would ever respect a designer with a foul mouth or covet her fashion advice. But then again, she knew for a fact that arty people were always pumped to the eyeballs with drugs and screwed around carelessly, swearing being one of their more normal habits. This new ‘afterlife of her eternal soul’ thing kept getting harder and harder to live up to.
Okay, fine, it wasn’t too bad. The socialising part of being born again was actually kind of fun: the youth meetings, braais and parties, the study groups where they did more gossiping than homework. Later on, though, after she made it big, how would all of this conflict with her image? Separate and part of a personal life was one thing – it could be easily packaged as a no-go area and even lend a bit of mystique to a star personality. But part and parcel of a public image, unless you were a gospel icon, was plain uncool. It soured quickly and could end up looking like a cheap publicity stunt, and there wasn’t much picking yourself up after that. She’d seen it happen too often: big break, the dazzling rise, media darling … then poof! Some stink rose from the grave and there went all your hard work. Back to eating pap en vleis on your ouma’s stoep. A girl had to be careful. Image was everything.
‘Jacqueline!’
‘Yes, Mum!’
‘Don’t shout at me when I call you! And that room had better be spotless before you even dream of going anywhere!’
Jacqui bit back a slew of curses and kept sweeping. She was practically out of the house; all she had to do was hold her tongue a little while longer. Once she was done, she turned her hand to finishing touches, adjusting the carpet in front of the door and lamps on the side tables, opening the curtains to let in the light. Her mother hated open windows and rudely gaping curtains, especially since the flimsy red material Jacqui had insisted on didn’t hide much without the heavier ones drawn over them. A young woman undressing with nothing but saucy voile between her and the leering eyes of pervers-by, candles flicking their glow onto the windowpane, a soft breeze drifting past …
A teasing smirk lifted Jacqui’s lips. Okay, sometimes it was obvious she hadn’t worked the poison of too many girlie movies out of her system. But if only they knew … If only she could get it through to both of her parents, without actually having to tell and crush them, that it was too late to headache over spilt milk. All she could do now was stay on the mostly straight, annoyingly narrow and often boring. Well, she could do her best. No doubt her mother would be up here after she left, yanking the curtains shut, snooping through her things while trying not to leave obvious signs that she had, doing her best to preserve their humble home’s dignity. It was worth a try.
Jacqui checked the time and threw the rest of her look together in the last few minutes. It was cool and cloudy outside, showers threatening to come through later, so she stuffed her hair under her favourite red knitted cap. Saturday tennis wasn’t as big a deal as basketball training but still counted as an outing, and outings, thanks to her mum, were as rare and precious as gemstones these days. Every outing meant dressing up.
She zipped the tracksuit top of her school kit over a plain, loose T-shirt, liking how it worked with worn blue jeans and battered Bata tekkies. Saturday girl: scruffy chic, effortless. All her cool, new gear was zipped away, only to be worn during practice, and maybe after, depending on how brave she felt. No point inviting more questions when escape was so near.
Jacqui slung her gym bag over a shoulder and took one last look in the full-length mirror. She made a face. Too plain. She unzipped a side pouch of the tote and fished around until she found her make-up bag. Couldn’t hurt if she dotted on just a bit of her favourite lip gloss. Fruity and rose-red, just the way she liked it. Her lips gleamed as she smeared them together. She pulled a few curls out of her ponytail, rounding off the cute messiness effect.
Much better. Jacqui lifted her index finger, licked the tip and then pressed it down onto her jutting bum, hissing air out of her teeth like the sound of a cigarette going out on something wet. A sway of hips and a giggle propelled her out the door.
Oh, behave.
1
The waiting room was an airless sinkhole of Monday-morning blues, its crisp décor struggling to lift the mood. Vee, an unrepentant fan of a brisk breeze, would’ve gotten up to crack a window, were her godson not sprawled across her lap. After twenty minutes of butt-hopping into any available seat to avoid the sun’s glare, she didn’t feel like bothering. To top it off, she was starving. Why did everything in this bloody city take so long?
The sit-in of glum faces around her didn’t seem to know either, or care. A paediatric appointment in this joint was a gem not readily discarded, though Vee was considering it. Every few minutes, the man beside her fired a round of coughs too rich for Vee’s liking, making her question whether it was the child he had in tow who needed to see a doctor. She kept her godson to her chest and leaned away, smiling politely. This was Cape Town and tuberculosis was real. You could never be too sure.
‘Waiting still?’ Soft brown eyes in a tiny face looked a question up at her.
Vee nuzzled Ikenna. ‘Aay sugar, I know. But we got to wait like everybody else, okay? Just small more.’ A new fit of coughing erupted at her shoulder; the man was bringing up hacked-up pieces of lung. She hopped to her feet.
‘Or maybe,’ she muttered, hoisting the toddler onto her hip, ‘we ask some questions.’
The receptionist was serving the cocktail proffered by all gatekeepers: apathy and bullshit, garnished with feigned sympathy. She barely lifted her gaze to acknowledge Vee’s questions. ‘I’m really sorry ma’am, but the doctor can’t see you yet. As you can see, it’s gonna be a long wait for everyone. You just have to be patient.’
‘Patience covers an extra twenty minutes. It’s been over an hour,’ Vee said. ‘Come on, the patients here are this big.’ She gave Ikenna a playful swing towards the desk and he giggled, waving his arms. ‘How much time can it take to look one over and prescribe a cough syrup?’
The girl pursed her lips. ‘Obviously, you’re not his mother.’
Vee bristled. ‘Not his m– excuse me? Whatchu tryin’ to say, that I–’ The receptionist crossed her arms and popped a hip, prepared for showdown. Vee took one look around the crowded room and sucked in the storm. One stupid move and she’d be back on the butt of the line. TB Hero would be the least of her worries; the kid on the end was covered in a rash and throwing up orange chunks.
‘Pardon me,’ she sugared, starting again. ‘Please, okay, I really have to get to work. Can you check how much longer it’ll be? I’d really appreciate it.’
The receptionist sighed. ‘What name is it under?’ she asked, flipping through the appointment book.
Vee supplied Ikenna’s name and appointment time. ‘I’m his godmother. It’s under his mother’s name, Connie Ade–’
‘I see it, but there’s nothing I can do.’ The girl met her eyes and softened. ‘Look, it usually isn’t this crazy, but one of our paediatricians doesn’t seem to be coming in today. Ten, fifteen more minutes, max. I’ll make sure you’re in the next batch called.’
Vee thanked her and turned away, then remembered her prescription. ‘Where can I find a pharmacy in the building?’
The receptionist grimaced. ‘Sorry man, there’s no pharmacy on this floor. Used to be, but everything’s been shuffled because of the renovations. Ground floor, west wing, oncology. Bit of a walk.’
Cursing under her breath, Vee left her cell number and set off.
There was trying too hard, and there was just right. The Wellness Institute was clearly aiming for a healthy mixture of both. It was clinically chic, if there was such a thing, but not so self-important as to have ditched the conventional hospital feel, which, gory or not, lent a weird kind of comfort. It was however, New Age-y enough to have opted for old parlance like ‘institution’, which did no harm when paired with taglines like ‘a beacon of hope in health care’ and all its other cutting-edge frills. Even under renovation, the place looked and felt good. The tastefully carpeted corridors and pastel waiting lounges were comfortable distractions from the construction work underway. Unsightly scaffolding and noise from an active building site were unwelcome additions to the muted plushness of the interior, but the WI had collared brisk business and was handling it well.
Vee didn’t ask for much from hospitals. They were like jails and children’s birthday parties – if you got out alive, count yourself lucky. Having spent most of her life in places where access to a proper doctor was a raffle win for most, hanging on to high expectations didn’t feel right. Clean bed, capable staff, clear diagnosis; that would do her. But here … here you got that and a gushing fountain of more. She felt ashamed for surreptitiously eyeing the fresh paint and smiling staff, comparing them to the poky clinic in Kenilworth that would certainly never see her face or debit card ever again. Her last GP had been pleasant enough. Well, until her problems overwhelmed them both and threatened to reveal his ignorance in more specialised matters, which had resulted in a hurried referral. She was glad of it. The WI was hot property – if they didn’t have someone who could fix her, nowhere would. Their bill was bound to be piping hot, too. The key was remembering that her health was important and worth paying for to preserve. She would keep singing that refrain and watch in mute dismay as the invoices filled up her postbox.
Her cell phone tinkled.
‘Where the hell are you?’ Chari hissed in her ear. Vee held the Nokia away to check the number. Of course: Charisma Mapondera, office busybody, using an office landline snoop. The woman would rather risk being overheard by half the staff than spend a cent of her own airtime calling in a more private spot. ‘It’s almost eleven. She’s been stalking you all morning.’
‘Uh. I’m running a little late,’ Vee said. Portia Kruger, editor-in-chief and omnipotent ‘She’ could grind her bones to dust later – a task she always took on with rabid glee. ‘You’re supposed to be covering for me. I didn’t know there’d be all this rigmarole. This place is more like a new nightclub than a hospital. Aaaay Lawd.’ Ikenna’s body clock was chiming his next nap session and from the lolling of his head, he wouldn’t hold out for much longer. She relaxed her grip on him, forcing him to stay awake by clinging on to her.
‘… know exactly how she can be. You don’t even sound like you’re at a doctor’s appointment. Oh my God. You’re not at a doctor’s appointment, are you, you traitor! You’re at a job interview. You’re packing your bags to work for the Mail &Guardian and leaving the rest of us in this dust bowl. Don’t even deny it.’
‘You got me. In one morning, I’m taking a three-year-old to his check-up, hustling to mine …’ Vee mentally amended the second to ‘postponing mine indefinitely’, since something had to give or she’d be here until lunchtime. At the thought of another appointment missed, through no fault of hers, relief coursed through her. Guilt hunted relief down and ate it. Was she really trying or simply going through the motions? She did want to know what was wrong with her, dammit – she was pursuing every avenue and life kept getting in the way. ‘Then I’m rushing home to throw on my power suit and speeding to town to knock out a brilliant interview at the M&G, all before twelve.’
Chari giggled. ‘Okay, okay, you’re at a doctor’s office full of whinging kids, your life is sad and you don’t need atto from me.’ Vee had no doubt that Charisma was idling behind her desk, untroubled as she used her phone and pilfered snacks from her drawer. Chari hated anyone who was immersed in their own lives, leaving her smack alone in the middle of hers. Vee could hear her cogs turning, churning out ways to snoop. ‘How come you have to take him, anyway? Why can’t his mother do it? You do know you’ve got next to zero sick leave days left. And why are you at the doctor’s so often these days? I know you’re not preggers … you’ve actually lost weight. Your ass is turning white.’
Vee lowered Ikenna to the floor. He latched onto her leg and began a half-hearted whimper. ‘Chari, I already told you: she’s tied up.’ Vee could only imagine what her best friend was up to her eyeballs in. New stock arrivals turned her into a monster, knee-deep in merchandise for her boutique and hollering at her staff. Connie Adebayo put nothing before her child, except on days she could happily prioritise being a businesswoman after bribing his loving godmother with discount clothing. ‘Don’t worry about me, I’m just … running some tests. Routine.’
‘Isn’t that just like these modern mothers? Inconsiderate. Always finding ways to foist their kids and their needs on single friends. Exactly what my cousin did! She wants to be here for the 2010 World Cup next year, right, so she packed up with her kids, left Harare and pitched up one clear blue–’
‘Chari, I’ll call you back,’ Vee lied, and hung up.
Where the hell, she wondered, striding up to the nearest enquiries desk. The woman on a call behind the counter stalled Vee’s question with a brusque ‘one-minute’ finger before she wrapped up and supplied directions to the makeshift pharmacy. Vee rounded the next corridor and ran into an impossibly long line. Please Lord, don’t let that be the pharmacy.
It was the pharmacy.
Vee swore under her breath. The line was moving fast, but not fast enough. Close to three years in South Africa and their policy on lines, queues they called them, was still an amusingly annoying mystery. Everyone patiently waiting their turn, smiling completely inane and unnecessary smiles at one another as if in agreement about the absurdity of the wait, admiring the ceiling, taking ever-so mincing, obedient steps closer to their big moment. With the exception of a passport office, nonsense like this would cause a bust-up in West Africa. The hustle and flow of her kinfolk was as chaotic and yet as organised as a thumping bloodstream. Everybody got what they were after, some jostling and hackles raised, no mental gymnastics. This was asking too much, even for a Monday.
The bright, messy collage of bulletins on the board nearest to the pharmacy caught her eye. Vee quit the line and wandered over, keeping Ikenna, alert and at heel, in sight. In the years to come she would think back to that moment, scouring her memory for a reason, a jolt or inkling that had drawn her over, and would never be able to pinpoint one. What had made her move out of line and what would have happened if she’d stayed put. No reasons besides boredom and impatience ever presented themselves.
Vee scanned the wall-mounted board, one eye on the line (five more people to go, almost there). There was a farewell announcement – a much-loved specialist moving to greener pastures, good luck in California! – two postings for research nurses and a notice from admin apologising for any inconvenience caused by parking restrictions during the construction phase. The left section of the board dedicated itself to interesting times, chronicling through a splatter of photographs the happy moments between patients and the staff.
One snapshot stopped her mid-turn, pulled her in with such authority it felt as though it reached out with one hand and tilted her chin in its direction, then pressed pause on her entire day with the other. Vee froze. She blinked until her eyes started to water. The photo was still there. Her hand went up of its own free will and her fingertips traced its borders, confirming it was real. Not all of what she saw these days was.
Before her was an image of a birthday celebration in a hospital room.
A bunch of kids and two nurses, one middle-aged and the other dew-fresh, a huddle of grins around a huge cake propped on the lap of a bald, prepubescent boy. A few of the other children were bald too, but unlike the boy in the middle, they wore bandanas or caps. A girl stood near the boy’s elbow, at the edge of the photo but somehow in the middle of it, as central as the boy himself. Her smile and stance were uncertain compared to the other kids, like she knew herself an outsider here – her hair too full and glossy, her complexion too rosy. As the girl crouched to fit into the frame, her hand rested on the boy’s arm, fingers curled around his bony shoulder as if he were a reservoir of strength she hungrily drew on. Even without the knitted red hat and the knife of time to carve away the baby cheeks, the girl’s face was unmistakable. An animal groan made Vee start and look around in surprise, until she realised the sound came from her own throat. A couple nearby looked up from their conversation and squinted in her direction.
‘Teelinglingling. Teeleeeelingling,’ sang Ikenna, tugging on her jeans. Dazed, Vee looked down as if she’d never seen him before in her life. It took a moment to sink in that he was mimicking a ringing cell phone. Hands shaking, she fished the Nokia out of her handbag.
‘Miss Va … um, Viona … Vaija … uh, Miss Johnson,’ spoke a hesitant voice. ‘Tamsin here, the receptionist from upstairs. Dr Kingsley’s almost done with the last patient, so he’ll see you in ten minutes. That okay?’
‘Yes, thank you,’ Vee croaked. ‘On my way.’
Her face was hot, melting, sliding off, the combo of plastic and glass of her phone icy against her skin. This Air Girl, this Smiling Everywhere Girl, she lived here, inside this picture, in this hospital. She’d been inside this building at one point. There was no mistaking it, no question about that smile. The girl in the photograph was the younger mould of the tormentor, but nonetheless it was her. The one Vee kept seeing when there was nothing to see. This face was the ambassador of last week’s jogging meltdown and all the other unwelcome sightings. The force in the ominous undertow she sometimes felt when sitting alone, of being watched, hovered over, the one that pricked up tiny anthills on her skin.
Vee wiped a clammy slick of moisture off her forehead. Anxiety rolled, fogging her vision.
Not here. Not now.
God no no no no no no no …
2
Dr Ian Fourie lingered outside the front entrance of the Wellness Institute and sucked in the fresh morning air, enjoying a rare opportunity for introspection before his day began. He stood at his car, looking over the signs of progress. The place was almost finished. Almost … but not quite. Active building sites were a blight, no matter how contained and low-key the forces involved tried to keep them. And builders never finished on schedule, ever. They were meant to have wrapped up in May, when winter kicked in, yet here they were still, staring down the barrel of October in a few weeks. Mercifully, most of it was confined to the back of the grounds, but the thought of people equating a chaotic exterior to shoddy service within made him sour.
He couldn’t think of the WI as up and running until all the finishing touches were complete. Ian liked things done. Finality and full stops were reason to relax. Right now, he couldn’t give in to any excitement bubbling under. It was unlucky to celebrate prematurely, or worse, to overstate one’s abilities to complete a task and then fall sadly and pathetically short of it. A lasting stain of my pessimistic mother, he chided himself.
As if to taunt him, the wind picked up. Dust rose and the protective sheeting draped over the concrete lip of the roof billowed above his head. Ian stepped back and coughed, flicking dust off his coat. He looked up at the ledge above the double doors of the main entrance, where the institute’s sign was being erected at last. The temporary wooden slats supporting the lettering groaned and shifted in the wind, sending more debris crumbling to the ground.
‘What the–’ He peered closer and blinked, lost for words. They were courting a lawsuit if a plank got loose and brained a prospective client on his or her way in.
Ian scanned the perimeter tape demarcating the edge of the site, spotted a cluster of builders under a jacaranda at the edge of the car park and headed towards them. ‘Who’s in charge here? You? Okay, come with me, please … yes, you, come with me.’ He drew the puzzled headman back to the entrance and jabbed a finger. ‘Do you see that? Are you and your men responsible for erecting this sign?’
‘Ja, sure.’ The man frowned. ‘But right now’s our tea break.’
‘Naturally. And in the meantime, this establishment poses a danger to all when in fact it’s our duty to heal and protect. Do you not see the irony in that?’
The headman’s expression replied an unequivocal no, he did not. ‘Look man, no worries. Ons sal dit later regmaak. Hoekom, is jy die hoof van die hospitaal?’ He looked Ian up and down, waiting for a reply, then repeated, slowly, as if speaking to a child, ‘I said, we’ll fix it later. Why, are you the head of the hospital?’ His lip curled as he flicked his eyes over Ian’s cashmere coat and BMW keys. ‘Don’t you speak Afrikaans, man?’
Ian’s keys dug into his fist, heat flooding his face. He wanted to scream at this lout that he practically ran the cardiology unit and was one of the finest specialists on the payroll. ‘Yes, I do, of course,’ he snarled. ‘But right now, that’s not the primary concern.’
The headman took a pointed sip from a steaming mug and flicked his eyes over the sign again. ‘Ja, sorry, sir. We’re working as fast as we can. We’ll drop everything and get that fixed for you right away.’ He walked back to his circle of brethren without a backward glance, and Ian watched them make a big show of amusement as the headman overplayed their encounter.
Ian grabbed his belongings from the BMW’s front seat, glowering. He hadn’t meant to grandstand like an ass, but appearances mattered. The WI couldn’t afford to be a reminder of the establishment it used to be. The clientele they wooed wanted excellent care as much as a touch of grandeur. Under no circumstances could anything mar the facility’s debut, not if he had anything to do with it. All the hours of ass-kissing and elbow-greasing had to even out to a substantial payoff, if his efforts hadn’t been a waste.
Ian shut the door of the BMW X5, savouring its meaty sound. That was the sound of a good car as far as he was concerned, that thick, coming-together clunk of expensive doors. The car noises he remembered from his childhood were overly loud and metallic, a death rattle of abused doors and engines on the brink of collapse. Both of his daughters, conscientious as they were, thought the car a waste of money and murder on the environment, but their distinct lack of complaints at the BMW’s comfort and legroom on long trips didn’t escape his notice. His son was a simpler soul, bless him; grabbed the wheel at every available chance.
Ian strode up the path and through the automatic double doors, hoping to avoid any more encounters of the crass kind. Lingering and mingling was not on his agenda today.
‘Good morning, Dr Fourie.’
He turned towards the deep voice. Behind the security desk a tall, dark-skinned man in uniform rose to his feet, his eyes warm. Patriotic as Ian was, he secretly believed that the best service in town was almost invariably provided by foreigners, his wife excluded. Etienne Matongo, a Congolese getting by in a job he wouldn’t be doing in better times in his own country, always had a cheerful greeting every morning he was on duty. Matongo and the WI went way back. He’d stayed dedicated to the establishment from its infancy to the bloom it now enjoyed, and had earned the deputy of security and surveillance title. Ian spared the few minutes it took to exchange pleasantries about the weather and their families, and then hustled for the lift to the second floor before anyone else cornered him. He ducked past his personal assistant and the assault of morning messages, emails and appointments he knew she had waiting for him and snuck into his office. He hoped, in vain really, that none of the other PAs had seen him. The first moments of peace in the mornings were worth killing for.
It lasted about two minutes before the phone went. Let it ring, he thought as he reclined his chair, pressing thumbs into tired eyes. It didn’t stop. Sighing, he reached over and answered. It was Tamsin from paediatrics, fraught and apologetic as she informed him they had only two doctors available and the place was a meat market. She knew it wasn’t his responsibility to monitor his wife, but she’d tried the other Dr Fourie several times on her beeper, cell and home phone and still no answer. Could he perhaps …
Ian hung up. He didn’t need to glance at the wall calendar or the smaller, flip-over version on the desk to know the date. No parent ever forgot the month that carried the anniversary of a child’s death. Obviously that was why Carina wasn’t at work yet, why he knew she had no intention of turning up at all. September had truly begun, and every year like clockwork, September rolled in like a cumulonimbus, dank, heavy presence that chewed up every scrap of joy in his heart and home. Every member of his family grew subdued, avoided eye contact and engaging conversation, not to mention the frequent, inexplicable absences from home. Having slept at a nearby bed-and-breakfast last night, he was hardly setting the best example.
Their well-coordinated, sombre dance around the unspoken was familiar – sickeningly comforting, in fact. All the same, he’d expected it to have petered out, if not through the passage of time then at least from how exhausting it had become for all of them. He couldn’t help but conjure up an image of himself seated at his mother’s kitchen table as she fussed over him, his attire and confidence changing over the years but a petulant, hangdog expression tattooed on his face. The years had yawned between them, and neither had been able to submit to the grief of losing a husband and father. Food and denial became substitutes for communication. Anything could petrify into tradition if people gave it enough respect. Now here he found himself again, decades later. Rinse, repeat. Superstitious he was not, but wondering if a curse hung over his head was beginning to sound plausible.
Ian picked up a framed photograph. The smiling face of his son looked back at him, a face so like his own that the resemblance threatened to splinter his ribcage. In a green shirt splashed with a jaunty print that made him look even younger than his fourteen years, Sean grinned as if he hadn’t a care in the world. Wherever he was now, he likely had no cause for cares. Even with the barest of fuzz on his scalp and lighting that hardly compensated for a sallow complexion, it was hard to tell he was a sick child with precious moments left of his life.
Ian removed the frame and drew another snapshot from behind the first, peeling them apart. The heavy, gilded frame ensured no one ever guessed it was there. The hidden photo showed a young girl in a T-shirt and blue jeans, framed in a doorway with hands in pockets and shoulders raised as she laughed into the camera. Same smile, same-ish nose.
They could be brother and sister.
Absurd, seeing as they were, a bond they would’ve enjoyed more thoroughly had he allowed it in the short time they’d known each other. ‘2 September, 2002’ was written on the back of the boy’s photo, the same day as today, the memory captured mere weeks before he died. ‘17/03/07’ was scrawled behind the girl’s. Sean, who in a few weeks would have been dead for seven years, and Jacqueline, missing for nearly two.
Two of his children lost in less than a decade, frozen forever at ages fourteen and seventeen. Two grieving mothers hating his fucking guts for the rest of his life: one whose smouldering contempt he had to swallow every day, the other’s leaden silence and ability to freeze him out of every line of communication more effective than any physical blow.
Ian picked up the phone. It felt like a boulder in his palm. The next number he dialled was his wife’s.
The knife carved a slice off the carrot, nearly taking with it the tip of her finger. Carina swore and stuffed the digit in her mouth.
The metallic taste of blood coated her tongue and amplified, filling her mouth and nose. The smell brought back the operating theatres of her internship, of patients drugged and helpless, relying on her skill to see them through. It reminded her of many smells she couldn’t face today: baby powder, full nappies or vomit. She couldn’t handle the combined aroma or sight of babies living and being, no matter how much she was needed at the hospital. I can’t face much of anything right now. She squeezed her eyelids together and sucked in gulps of air. Today I see myself through.
It was pointless. The tears would come no matter which way she played it.
Motherhood was a glum occupation, Carina thought. A dull, thankless stretch of heroism that some women, most, were born to shoulder. Others were self-made, morphing into the role as their bodies plumped and the realisation that they’d intended to do it at some point sealed their acceptance, even joy. Others were simply resigned to the prospect. She had no idea where, or if, she fitted into either of the latter two groups, but she definitely wasn’t of the first. She’d never fancied the idea of mothering, mostly because she hadn’t given it much thought, preferring to think of things only when they were immediately relevant. She had, though, very much liked the idea of being part of a couple. The better half of a pair. Significantly othered.
Once married, she’d had no clue why the first pregnancy had surprised her. She hadn’t gone out of her way to prevent it, and the thought of a termination had repulsed her as soon as it sprung to mind. Not on any moral or religious grounds, but purely on the principle that she always completed anything she began. Her own mother wouldn’t have been shocked to discover her daughter’s first reaction to the news had not been unbridled delight. Carina made sure she didn’t deliver the news until she wrapped her head around it herself. Not that her mother was someone she had a history of rushing to with tidings of any sort. The woman took judgemental way too far. Since childhood, Carina felt she’d been accused, too harshly in her view, of being too sleepy in her decision-making in some areas and too headstrong and impulsive in others. This from the woman who, after all these years, still doubted that her daughter’s decisions – to study medicine, leave Germany to practice in Africa and marry a man who wasn’t white – were all carefully considered. Which, of course, they had been.
Four pregnancies, though … Carina herself hadn’t seen that coming. After the trauma of Sean’s birth, when they’d finally laid his perfect, downy head on her chest, she’d told herself she was done. One was enough. But like most modern women who thought themselves above the subservience of love, she hadn’t made any allowance for how powerful would be her need to please her husband. Ian was absolutely besotted with Sean. In that sentiment she’d agreed with her husband wholeheartedly, as they joined forces in showering their eldest with the adulation he deserved.
She’d named him Heinrich, after her own beloved father, but as was usual resigned to having her authority undermined when he went by Sean, his middle, ‘less stuffy’ name. Regardless of what he was called, no child deserved spoiling with love and gifts as the first Fourie. Sean was as good and sweet-tempered in the flesh as he’d been in utero, not at all what she’d expected. Carina had looked on in quiet terror at the monstrous blue-veined stomachs, pimpled faces and oedemic legs of expectant mothers, the frightful carryings-on and tantrums of other people’s offspring in public. How had she, a seasoned paediatrician, not noticed these things before? Which blinkers had shielded her eyes from the truth that these little balls of human, her primary clients, were hell-raisers? Without a second thought, she simply doled out the routine lines on childcare that parents craving sleep or time to themselves craved. Until it was her turn, but she’d gotten lucky.
