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- Herausgeber: Tramp Press
- Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020
Nora Ephron meets Bram Stoker in Sophie White's vivid and ambitious literary non-fiction collection. White asks uncomfortable questions about the lived reality of womanhood in the 21st century, and the fear that must be internalised in order to find your path through it. White balances vivid storytelling with sharp-witted observations about the horrors of grief, mental illness, and the casual and sometimes hilarious cruelty of life.
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For the Creeps, You know who you are.
It is not the physical or mental aberration in itself which horrifies us, but rather the lack of order which these aberrations seem to imply.
stephen king
CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
With every book I think, Right, this time I’m going to do one of those incredibly classy and restrained acknowledgements pages. And then I just flail all over everyone I’ve ever met because I’m lucky – I have met some incredible people and I’ve lured them into working with me and being my friends and when I get the opportunity to fawn publicly, well, I gotta do it.
Thank you to Lisa Coen and Sarah Davis-Goff, who took a book that vaguely resembled this one, saw a glimmer of something different, something better, something that I could be proud of and helped me to write it. The Tramps suggested that what I was really writing was a horror show; they named it; they made me feel like my weirdo interests and hobbies and predilections belonged in the book, were worthy of inclusion. And then while SDG nursed a real baby, Lisa wet-nursed this creepy baby. An editor of breathtaking talent. Thank you for the memes and the voicys and the permission to ‘fuck it out the airlock’ when a whole essay just had to go. Thank you also to Fiachra McCarthy, Marsha Swan, Laura Waddell and Peter O’Connell.
My friends and colleagues: Jen O’Dwyer, Cassie Delaney, Louise McSharry, Emer McLysaght, Liadan Hynes, Esther O’Moore-Donoghue, Sooby Lynch, Pauline Bewick, Poppy Melia, Siobhan Cleary, Joe Dowling, Brendan O’Connor, Gemma Fullam, Jane Doran, Teresa Daly, Liz Kearney, Yvonne Hogan, Madeline Keane, Leslie-Ann Horgan, Bill’s pals, the Creeps and the Mother of Pod crew.
My family: Anne Harris, Constance Harris, Mungo Harris, Nancy Harris, Kwasi Agyei-Owusu, Vivianne White, David White, Hilary White, Viktorija White, William White and Triona McCarthy.
To the people who generously cheered me on in writing this book, possibly to their own detriment. Thank you Seb White, my favourite person in the world, and Mary O’Sullivan, the best (and bravest) mother in the world.
To my babies, Roo, Ari and Sonny, I love you more than you can possibly understand. To Kevin Linehan, I owe you everything.
PART 1
A HAUNTING
BEGINNINGS
The weekend that my dad died for the first time was the same weekend that my second son was born.
There were maybe hours between the events, but now in my memory they are entwined irrevocably. I want to weave them together to give them some kind of meaning. The full-throated wail of my raw and red newborn and the strained gasps of my dying father.
Looking back, I regard the ironic similarities of our two states, my father’s and mine, in that moment. Nothing so closely touches the throes of death as the throes of birth.
I am crouched on a hospital bed and gasping for the breath I’ll need to ride the roaring contractions. He is splayed on a matching bed just a few miles away. I am red-faced, with every contraction pushing and heaving, trying to haul this baby to the surface. He is totally still, slowly sinking. He is falling away from us tethered only by a whispered thread that, once severed, will not be reconnected. We’ve signed the DNR, my mother and I, there will be no mechanical miracles. We do not want him wrenched back to the dreadful limbo of his world without memory or meaning, where no pleasure remains.
The last gasps of life are an inversion of the crashing waves of contractions. Birth is explosive and volatile; the final moment of life takes this same explosion and detonates it deep inside us.
That sharp October night, we were both engaged in the real work of life, the violent struggle of dying and giving birth.
My son is vividly red, damp with vernix, filled to bursting with his blood and his heat and his newly minted rage. His thick kicking legs and his bloodcurdling outrage. I love the way newborns rage into being.
My father is the opposite of this little wild thing. My father, just a few miles away, lying shrunken, almost desiccated on a high, narrow hospital bed, silent. He is bone-white and parched; I think I hear his body rustle with the slightest movement. Their two bodies haven’t met, but they are bound, each offering their moments, first and last respectively, up into the same indifferent sky.
When he surfaces, my new son is dark-haired and dark-eyed. He is slapped up on my belly: a startling new person has arrived into the party of the delivery room. I hack through the umbilical cord – a length of meat, iridescent and coiled, looking alien and mythical at once. It takes a few goes with the surgical scissors before the boy is set loose. Now, the winter sun pours into the room, traffic whines by several stories down – a Friday morning like any other. The elation after birth is intoxicating. I will find I am unmanageably high for weeks.
I take a shower and watch rusty, blood-stained water wind down my legs. I feel evacuated. My thick body is hollow. I am alone for the first time in months. I am in pain but also so very high. A thought rears up: I could punch someone right now. I’m giddy with this high and lashing out sounds divine. I laugh alone in the shower and wonder why we pretend there’s anything normal about giving birth. Just moments earlier, my body was gaping, yawning wide as the inside wrenched and contorted to push out a brand new fellow human being. The giddy thoughts drift and I follow them down down down, until I’m crouched on the floor. It’s the most horrific shower floor of all time but exhaustion and confusion have momentarily stolen my balance.
Elsewhere, across the river in another hospital, my father dies. For a few moments, at least.
I don’t know. No one has told me as I explore the particulars of my new baby, burying my head in the folds of his neck and marvelling at his various miniature elements – his strangely long nails and perfect ears. I am gorging on life. I eat and eat and eat that day. My body has done something brand new and yet also as old as time, this elemental marathon that has me demanding toast and Kit Kats every hour.
There’s no hunger like it. I eat with a fierce focus every little morsel, sipping tea and guzzling the new baby smell. The baby greedily latches to my body, and we are one again.
My mother goes between these two hospital beds, telling neither about the other. The contrast between the riotous feasting in the wake of new life and the slow empty room where my dad lies must be disorientating. She braves this day (and all days) with a stoicism that verges on the pathological.
The difference between being alive and being dead is oddly not as clear-cut as you would imagine. Up until the 1950s, it was more black and white: is there a heartbeat? Are they breathing? No? Dead. However, as technology advanced and we gained the power to prolong elements of life, the line between the here and the after has blurred. With the invention of the respirator a new term was coined: ‘brain death’. A body could be kept warm and breathing with death occurring only in the brain. But are we living when all consciousness is destroyed with no hope of it being regained? And if your brain dies first and your body is driven forward day by day by nothing more than reflex, well, it’s no life. I’ve seen it.
In the last decades, medicine, mechanics and morality collided and death became both simpler and more complex. On one hand, we could pull the plug and pitch the patient into death, on the other hand, with advances came possibilities. What if we could keep them plugged in indefinitely? Could we push the air into their lungs and draw it out again, over and over until a distant time when death has been dispensed with altogether and they can be fixed and live once more?
My mother and I signed the DNR, the pleading document that asked physicians to set aside what could be done and instead regard what should be done. Which was nothing. Let him go. Please go. No more of the patient patient. No more passing time at his bedside, forgetting him as fast as he had forgotten everything.
As his illness progressed and devoured him, his body became a frightful thing. I was scared to watch his decline at such close range. I saw it for what it was, a swampy soup of death that was engulfing him, and that would flood us too if we ventured too close.
At his bedside, I tried not to breathe. I wanted to shirk that taste of sickness – a combination of bad coffee, boiled vegetables and waste. I washed my hands raw after every visit, and I scorched my insides clean with alcohol. Death can be catching.
And so he died that day for some time. But then he thudded once more to life. His eyes saw nothing, his voice had deserted years before. I can’t remember the last words he ever spoke to me. They were probably senseless, but I’d trade a lot to hear them again. The monitor beside him resumed, chirping along with him for now. The nurse who had seen him come in and baulked that this skeletal creature that said nothing and saw nothing was only sixty-three, now declared dispassionately that he had rallied.
Later. It was 4am and I was back home, lying in my bed and feeding the new boy when my mother texted me.
‘Are you awake?’
I knew it was my father. I knew immediately, but I didn’t allow so much as a shard of hope.
I typed:
‘Of course. Is it Kev?’
‘They say after the surgery, his heart stopped beating. They didn’t intervene. He rallied but they don’t think he’ll last the night.’
We made a plan. Taxi to the hospital. I crept about the dark house locating the newborn arsenal. My husband and I had a whispered conversation.
‘He won’t die.’
I was firm. I had to be. I couldn’t start to hope. It’s a strange reversal when, out of love, you are wishing, even willing someone to die.
I brought the hours-old baby out into the October night. It simply didn’t occur to me not to. The boy was still a part of me, solely dependent on me for survival; he didn’t know we were travelling through icy deserted streets towards a man he’d never know. All he knows is me. I am his location. He dwells on my body.
At the hospital a modicum of sense prevails and I realise I cannot bring something so fresh and precious into a hospital. I leave him with my aunt who has struck up a conversation in the backseat with the small unblinking being. I stand in the hospital entrance and contemplate the vast expanse between the lifts and me. On my phone there are complicated instructions to the ward. In a room somewhere in this building my dad is dying. Don’t hope.
Don’t hope. Don’t hope.
Some part of me believes he will never die, and that I will spend my whole life watching this excruciating end.
I start slowly across the white polished floor. I cannot imagine that I’ll ever get there. I have been maimed by the birth and can’t walk properly. A hidden seam is all that’s holding me together. I feel more conscious than ever before that I am a body and that won’t go on forever. Under the coat thrown hastily over my pyjamas, I feel the ache of milk coming. This is the middle place. Between life and nowhere. This is where my dad, my mother and I have tapped out the hours for years. Trudging forward, holding ourselves, keeping a terrible pain in check, wanting a release. For all of us.
Don’t hope.
I get to the lift and remind myself: This isn’t it.
In the room, I touch him just in case it is. Touching him has been a monumental effort for many years now. I hate myself for this.
‘This isn’t it,’ I announce to my mother. She is the only one who understands those words. Who understands the spell I’m trying to cast.
This isn’t the room where you die, I tell him silently. Do you understand that I wish it was?
His dying body had become a site of pain. That’s what happens with illness: it obscures the person, my dad, your child, our friends, until even when holding their hands and bearing witness to them day after day, you can no longer see any of the person they were. Their continued pitiable existence becomes a mockery of who they once were. For my dad, it was his expression. In health there was always a glint, he was a person perpetually on the verge of some mischief – some terrible pun or gleefully bad joke. Now his face had been overrun by an awful creaking smile that severed his face and killed my every memory of him.
Dying estranged us. I sensed I was supposed to be closer than ever to him, but quite honestly I was scared of him. I was afraid of being infected by all the dying. Afraid that the illness consuming him would in turn take me.
Death can be catching. Just not in the ways we think. I began dying alongside him but it was hard to tell at first. At first it looked like I was living – and living remarkably well at that. During those dying years, my main objective at all costs was to look like I was coping. I felt my entire purpose could be boiled down to one essential imperative: don’t make a fuss. I felt I had no right to grieve, appear sad, or let myself off the hook in any way. Feeling sad about my dad seemed outlandish, like I was making a big deal, or letting the side down. His ordeal had gone on for so long that it was simply an immutable fact of our lives. We were so steeped in it, it was impossible to see or feel it pollute us. Like a slow leak of carbon monoxide, it infiltrated our lives while we valiantly made a show of being perfectly fine. This is the only way I can account for my certainty that he would never die.
Saying goodbye was awkward.
Please go, please go, please go. A silent incantation.
He would never walk again, or say my name, or know the name of the baby who was born the day he nearly died. And he would die. Despite what I believed and feared. He would die five months later.
A GHOST STORY
1
I never took his picture.
I ruminate constantly on this for the first three weeks that he is dead.
‘Why would you want a picture of that?’
My husband is baffled. This I cannot answer.
My father’s dying was an agonising, drawn-out horror show. It was excruciating to witness. By the end, I am sure that his heart was a muffled beat encased in a corpse. They could barely find a pulse on that last day. His limbs had stiffened; his eyes were fixed and coated with a film, his flesh hardened and intractable. I was alone with him on the morning of the day he died, his deathday, and I had the strong urge to knock on his chest. I imagined it would be a hollow knock on a dusty old sideboard. He was like a piece of furniture, heaved up onto the bed, covered loosely with a sheet around which we gathered to watch for the barely perceptible final breaths.
His mouth was the real terror. It gaped, exposing his erratic teeth and revealing how deformed his face had become during the course of that slow, creeping death. To me, his mouth was the centre-point of that room. It was the dark star around which my mother and I orbited. With its gravitational pull it drained every ounce of our spirit, like water down a plughole. It was a dense irresistible force, more compelling to me than even his staring eyes – behind those dusty eyes I could detect nothing, but in that dank mouth? There was something, something unwanted.
Why did I need a picture of that? What was I going to do? Sling his arm around my shoulders for a final deathbed selfie? Maybe. Perhaps I wanted to trivialise it to make it all seem more manageable. In the end, after one month of ruminating, I bought some chalk and I drew a picture of his dying head. It is the worst picture I’ve ever seen. I had to hide it away so that the children wouldn’t find it and be scared. Odd that such a grotesque image should soothe me, but it did. I stopped obsessing that I hadn’t taken his last picture. I now have a place to visit when I want to be back in that room. I open the notebook in my office. It contains just one image, quarantined from all the other drawings. I open to the page and it is like pushing the door to that room once more. The rubber floor is underfoot again, the stench races to greet me and I am back, strangely consoled, in a room I thought I hated.
2
He’s not dead.
The morning after he died, the nursing home rang. I saw the name of the incoming caller, and my first thought was: he’s back. The two words he’s and back were both dreadful and thrilling at the same time. Dragging my breath inwards, I answered and was besieged by two opposing thoughts at once: please, no, and please god. The nursing home wanted to tell me to go to the funeral home as soon as possible. He continued to be dead, it seemed.
He’s not dead. I dreamed that we were burying him alive. I woke up and realised that I had been burying him alive for three years – heaping mud and soil and debris and callous ambivalence upon him as he still-lived. While I recognised this to be true, the guilt did not begin there. I still had to burn him after all. Yes, cremation, cremation, cremation. Please. It’s what he wanted / no one wants this.
But I could see the guilt; it was gathering pace on some interior horizon, a tsunami of guilt-building, consolidating and inevitable. Come on, I willed it to hit, but there was so much to do before then.
Planning a funeral is like planning a wedding, only in two days, on zero sleep with a lot more guesswork. He would’ve wanted. He didn’t believe. He’s dead, who cares? He hated churches. He loved the Beach Boys. In the end, I hid in the planning of the funeral. It was ironclad. No one could ask me anything beyond logistics. I wielded a clipboard – an actual fucking clipboard – to deflect the questions. I hugged it in front of my chest, with a pen stuck behind my ear.
‘How are you?’ they’d say.
‘I’m great,’ I’d say. ‘We just need to nail down the pallbearers.’
The funeral I planned was a refuge from my grief. I clung to these answerable questions with all my strength. ‘Yes’ to flowers, ‘no’ to a cross on the coffin. I had a to-do list that I was petrified of reaching the end of. I loved The Plan. I could guess at what was beyond the funeral and I dreaded it. Give me more logistics, but don’t leave me alone with myself. At one point, I told my husband that I was possibly in denial and that we should go for a walk alone away from the house to think over what had happened. We drove to the sea and I got out of the car. I had walked barely ten paces into the clear blue day when suddenly I felt untethered. I was alone in an ocean, watching the boat recede silently into the night. Bring me back, I begged, back to the house and the clipboard and The Plan. I didn’t know what to do without these things, you see.
Away from the clipboard was like stepping out of the pull of the earth’s gravity. It was momentous and unknown out there. He’s dead out there. In here, with my obituaries and my funeral running order and my pamphlets, he is not dead.
3
I am the worst, I am disgusting, I am an animal.
This conviction remains unchanged six weeks later. I am an abomination. I play a loop of memories from the years 2012 to 2014 and I hate myself. I had resented him. I hated him for his illness. I hadn’t been a good enough daughter. I hadn’t been patient enough and I had been unable to love him in his illness. Not the way he deserved. I had been too afraid to. I shut my love away from him. I was at his bedside but I observed him from high blank windows, keeping my love and myself out of reach. It was easier to insulate myself from my love than to feel it. I was so selfish.
4
How will I live with this guilt? This panic? This. Just this.
The guilt-tsunami crashed over me when I opened my eyes on the morning of Tuesday 23 May 2017. It was the day after his funeral. Oh there you are, I thought, and I had the first panic attack that I’d had in a decade. I came to call it ‘My Guilt’, to differentiate it from the guilt some of my other friends had told me they’d felt about their dead parents. I couldn’t understand their guilt. One thing I was certain of: only My Guilt was real and warranted. Strangely the one thing they were certain of: only their guilt was real and warranted.
I wished I was sad. Sadness is so much preferable to guilt. At least with straight-up sadness, I could be in pain without this hangover of my own culpability. In German the word for guilt, Schuld, also means debt. This made sense to me. My dad was dead and now I would never be able to show him the love he was due. It would be a forever debt. A bruise of guilt and regret always tender to press. And press I would. Guilt needs to be returned to frequently, to be gouged and worried at or else it fades and I don’t deserve that.
The day after the funeral I woke up searching for relief. Fuck you, I thought when instead of relief I found roaring panic.
Of course you’re panicking today, I told myself. You can’t hide anymore, the death is here now: you can’t shrug it off.
Oh fuck off, I shot back. Well done you and your Oprah analysis. That is grief 101, I know I have to feel it today!
Of course, I thought feeling it might involve feeling sad, or nostalgic. I didn’t count on feeling it to be so uncomfortable, so hard to bear, for it to encumber me so extremely. The guilt was of a choking, sick-making variety with shades of irredeemable remorse settling about me.
I made my way downstairs and came face-to-face with an abomination: the coffin arrangement. It was plonked beside the TV, a pyramid of lilies. Their perfection was offensive. They reminded me of my dad’s corpse, of the way his face had been arranged, into a palatable, passable version of a human – here were these revolting things pretending to be flowers.
When I saw the made-up corpse of my dad I was aggrieved. It was immaculate, as though nothing had happened. No suffering at all. My uncles who’d been in to see him already tried to warn me. ‘It’s not him, you must prepare yourself.’
Ha, I thought. I’ve seen this and beyond. I’ve sat with dying. Death is nothing compared with dying. I looked at his refurbished face and thought, Oh, they’ve whitewashed your suffering but I will never forget that sinkhole that took over your face and drained our lives.
Then my mother and I left our lipstick imprints on its smooth, cold cheeks to give the moment some heart.
All day, I tried to avoid those damn flowers. I’d have been happier with a rotting corpse in the room. Uncles swarmed, talking memories and who had come and who was absent. A lot of talk was given over to who among the women still had ‘it’ and who had lost ‘it’. I felt tired imagining all the funerals I would one day have to attend. I looked from one to the next: You’ll die and you’ll die and you’ll die. I did the maths. How many more would I have to plan? At least now I’ve done the legwork. Now, I know about those black traffic cones outside the funeral homes and the going rate for a carb-heavy buffet.
I tried to lie down to escape the flowers, but I could not close my eyes without experiencing a terrible breathlessness. Each time it was a momentary rest immediately replaced by suffocation. I fucking hated those flowers. I wanted to tear them apart.
Why didn’t I? It would’ve been far more acceptable than any of the other impulses I was battling. Why not stamp on those fuckers and scream into their pale downcast heads? Better them than a mournful mourner.
Fuck all you mourners, I wanted to scream. You don’t know what I’ve seen.
5
You left me with her.
I love her, but we needed you. ‘I am close to my mother,’ I tell my therapist. ‘No,’ she gently corrects, ‘you are co-dependent. Enmeshed in one another. It’s not the same thing.’
‘Grief’ can mean to bear or to carry. I walked behind my father’s coffin with my mother; our elbows were locked and our fingers knit. I stared straight ahead at the back of the coffin that was cradled by my husband and my uncle, meshed in an embrace that is as old as life, arms entwined as they timed their steps to carry my father to the altar. That’s us, I thought as we walked. We carried his illness, we carry this grief and now we carry each other. Just about.
Since his death, my mother has withdrawn from me somewhat and, though it feels like rejection, I think she’s right – it’s probably what we both need at this point. We’ve been secluded together in a sad room for years. We’re no good to each other at this moment. We’re both drowning and liable to drag the other one under.
6
I cannot cry.
I don’t believe in god, so I don’t think that my father is anywhere. I look at the sky nearly every day and think about how he doesn’t belong here anymore – this isn’t his home. He’s gone, and I don’t know where to look for him. Each day, different levels of his goneness are revealed to me. I put on my shoes one day and think, with genuine surprise, that he doesn’t need shoes anymore. I listen to a song and realise I don’t know if he liked it or not. I eat chocolate and realise with shock that there is a finite amount of chocolate in all our lives.
The hitting starts almost without my noticing, really. I cannot cry, I’m reaching for tears and release but nothing comes, and so, a few times a day, I find a quiet room and I hit my head off the wall.
