The Narcissist in the Mirror E-Book

Reinhard Haller

• Herausgeber: Ecowin
• Kategorie: Geisteswissenschaft
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 249

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2015

Beschreibung

Why is he doing that? What is she saying? Do you sometimes wonder what it is that drives people to get on a stage or break records, to beg for attention or to be furious, to turn their back with mortification or to silently pull the strings from the background in order to manipulate everyone around? The right dose of narcissism is crucial for developing a healthy amount of confidence, for being able to perform and be creative. But too much of it can cause hurt feelings, neuroses, greed and conflict. A narcissist is someone who not only celebrates success and needs praise like others need oxygen but who also lives off other people's energy, prefers to suffer in silence and at worst can develop psychopathic features. How to recognize a narcissist, why they've become that way and how you can protect yourself from them.

Leseprobe

REINHARD HALLER

A Field Guide to Our Selves and Other People

Die deutsche Originalausgabe erschien 2013 unter dem Titel „Die Narzissmusfalle – Anleitung zur Menschen- und Selbstkenntnis“ bei Ecowin, Salzburg | © 2013 Ecowin, Salzburg

Englische Ausgabe © 2015 Ecowin, Salzburgby Benevento PublishingEine Marke der Red Bull Media House GmbH

Übersetzung: Jake SchneiderLektorat: Caroline MetzgerArt Direktion: Peter FeierabendGestaltung und Satz: Frank BehrendtProgrammleitung Ecowin: Martina Paischer

E-Book-Konvertierung: Satzweiss.com Print Web Software GmbH

ISBN: 978-3-7110-5138-7

www.ecowin.at

Note to the Reader

Inevitably you will be convinced that you know one of the people described in the case studies to follow. Please be assured that all identifying personal details have been altered beyond recognition.

Dedicated to those who have seen me as a mirror and those who have been a mirror to me.

Contents

The Scent of the Narcissus

Living Up to Its Name, or THE BRILLIANT TRAGEDY OF THE GRANDIOSE EGO

Narcissism Meets Narkis, or THE TIMELESS MYTH

The Four Letters of SELF, or WHAT IS NARCISSISM?

Narcissism’s Close Relatives, or HUBRIS, VANITY, HYSTERIA, AND GREED

Narcissism is All About the Dose, or THE VALUE OF A SELF

Spoiled Children and Reckless Tyrants, or THE CAUSES AND FORMATION OF NARCISSISM

Narcissism for the Rest of Us, or WHEN DO WE HAVE NARCISSISTIC REACTIONS?

Narcissistic to the Core, or NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

Evil Personified, or MALIGNANT NARCISSISM

From Injury to Delusions of Grandeur, or NARCISSISM AS THE ROOT OF ILLNESS

Narcissistic Torture Tactics, or  BULLYING, STALKING, QUERULOUSNESS, AND ANONYMOUS MESSAGES

Side-Effects and Consequences, or FRUSTRATION, DEPRESSION, ISOLATION, SUICIDE

Mr. and Mrs. Narcissus’ Love–Hate Relationship, or THE LIVING HELL OF DATING A NARCISSIST

The Narcissist Goes to Work, or NARCISSISM AS A PROFESSIONAL OPPORTUNITY OR OBSTACLE

The Total Bluff, Reality TV, Putting on Appearances, or THE NARCISSISTIC SOCIETY

The Narcissist in the Mirror, or CONFRONTING OURSELVES AND HUMAN NATURE THROUGH REFLECTION

Can and Should Self-Love Be Cured? or THERAPY FOR NARCISSISTIC DISORDERS

Admiring Eggshells, or RULES FOR INTERACTING WITH NARCISSISTS

A Gallery of Narcissists

What now?

Acknowledgments

Bibliography

The Scent of the Narcissus

My boss is an incredible narcissist. My colleague has narcissistic reactions to the tiniest things. I can spot my competitor’s narcissism from a mile away. Relationships with narcissists are insufferable. Narcissism is a prerequisite for an executive position. I couldn’t bear to spend one more minute with that hyper-narcissist I talked to today. Even my Facebook feed is plagued by cyber-narcissists. The business world is infested with career narcissists and at work I’m always putting up with their narcissist lackeys. Just now, in my last therapy session, my patient was complaining bitterly about “Narcissus the Great”: her husband. Narcissism is accused of being the basis for all mental illness, and of course a criminal’s motives are assumed to be narcissistic. Then there’s the question of which profession is the real breeding ground for narcissists. Is it artists or their critics? Doctors or lawyers? Managers or stock brokers? Or perhaps it’s the people we’ve been suspecting all along: politicians and journalists. Obviously, anyone in charge is a narcissist to the core. Narcissists are our perpetual, everyday rivals, determined to unsettle our egos. Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes: from dogged overachievers to self-conscious conformists, from the insensitively hypersensitive to the obnoxiously fussy. Why does John only talk about himself? That’s narcissistic. And how come Jane is always upset about something? That’s narcissistic too. Let alone their combined arrogance when the two join forces. This planet is teeming with narcissists. We are convinced of it. Wherever we go, we encounter narcissistic personality types and untold members of the flourishing narcissistic cult. Even more sinister than women’s narcissism is the kind practiced by men. We’re overcome by narcissistic anger, entrapped in the inner prison of narcissism, intoxicated by narcissistic ecstasy, and deluded by deep narcissistic crises.

Narcissism makes life unbearable. Narcissism injects craziness into our daily routines, inviting us all on a great big ego-trip. Narcissism poisons every relationship and devastates every business. The whole world is getting more and more narcissistic by the day. It’s no longer just an epidemic; it’s the dawn of the Age of Narcissism. Recently someone even published a “Narcissism Inventory” to catalog the myriad forms that narcissism can take and ensure that not a single variety of the disorder goes overlooked.

There’s narcissism wherever you turn. Anything anyone wants to describe, it’s narcissistic through and through. Beyond a doubt, the words “narcissist,” “narcissism,” and “narcissistic” are booming and becoming increasingly common in conversation. There must be a reason why this old technical term that was once reserved for bookworms and psychologists has suddenly become an everyday figure of speech, why narcissists are no longer confused with Nazis. Either the traits and behavior that the term refers to are now drastically more common, or we’ve simply started to notice and pay attention to them. Either way, we are attaching more importance to the concept than ever before.

No matter how you explain it, narcissism and all it implies are gaining significance on both a personal and societal level. In terms of our perceptions, judgments, attitudes, tendencies, and personal explanations for things, it is playing a more and more significant—you might say, more narcissistic—role. All roads lead to narcissism.

And why is that? Are we really getting more self-centered, more in love with ourselves? Has the age of narcissism really begun, as many eagerly claim? Is our era truly defined by aspects of narcissism such as image cultivation, egocentricity, delusions of grandeur, haughtiness, thirst for fame, and machismo? Are our tendencies for image cultivation and boundless grandiosity reflections of some prevailing mood in society? Are the idealization of self and the devaluation of others really turning into principles of modern life? Are rational egotists or eco-narcissists to blame for the economic crisis? And can we really find traces of online narcissism in the offline world? However you look at it, there’s narcissism in the air: on personal, interpersonal, and societal levels. It is therefore worth taking a closer look at this term, this fundamental psychological attitude, this potent psychological force.

Yet the trait known as narcissism is nothing new. In fact, it’s human nature. Narcissistic behavior is even older than the legend of Narcissus, that self-loving handsome lad. It is a timeless phenomenon, but one whose significance for individuals, society, culture, and therapy is receiving ever more recognition. Narcissism is a person’s unquenchable desire for recognition and admiration and their overblown assessment of their own importance. It is a powerful force and a psychological engine, a fortress of self-confidence, and yes, a character trait and a mental attitude. It has become a pattern of behavior for lone individuals as well as entire societies. Contrary to appearances, we must realize that behind its shiny exterior and selfish actions, there usually hides a flimsy sense of self-worth and stunted emotional intelligence.

But narcissism is more than a disorder. It is a primal psychological energy that can take both negative and positive forms. In order to develop healthy self-confidence, a human being needs a certain amount of narcissism. This only becomes a problem when it harms someone. It might harm narcissists themselves by isolating them when everyone else has had enough of them and their inconsiderate egocentrism. Or it might harm the people around them, who simply cannot bear the narcissist’s inconsideration and constant devaluation of others. Indeed narcissism is a psychological superpower that pervades both individuals and society more than ever.

Many signs point to unhealthy individual and social trends, specifically the rise of egotism, self-absorption, greed, and inflated self-worth. Expert psychologists and sociologists have found evidence to back up our general impression that self-worth has moved into the fast lane over the last few years. As many scientific studies have confirmed, the trend has moved away from moderation and increasingly towards egocentricity and selfishness, self-overestimation, and uncritical opinions of one’s own magnificence. The modern world places value on admiration and influence, no longer humility and modesty. And that’s where the danger lies. If the guiding principle of modern life is only to think of oneself, this will inevitably lead to a loss of solidarity and ultimately to the exclusion and isolation of the egotists.

This book is about the individual and collective shift towards a self-involved, inconsiderate, and cold-hearted way of being. Appropriate for an investigation of pathological self-love, this book is also intended as a mirror: not a physical one, but a psychological one, a “mirror of narcissism” in fact. The countless examples of narcissistic situations and people in the following pages will allow you, the reader, to recognize yourself and people you know. As with any mirror, the reflection is realistic, not distorted, sugarcoated, or disfigured. It is clear, and leaves nothing out. The mirror serves as an unbiased observer and incorruptible portrait artist, a neutral analyst, a portal to genuine realization. The mirror techniques used in this book correspond with the golden method of psychoanalysis that has been tried and tested in self-discovery seminars, group dynamics exercises, and family therapy. This book too will help improve your awareness of yourself and others.

Take a look, dear reader, into the mirror of Narcissus. Discover within it your compatriots’ unkindness, your supervisor’s inconsiderate actions, and the egotism of the world. You will see your neighbor’s quickness to take offense and the arrogance of people in power, the superficiality of the “bluff” society, the sadism of reality television, and the heartlessness of business. The narcissist’s mirror reflects the image of your irritable employee, your oversensitive friend, or your easily offended spouse. You will recognize the indifference of the cold-hearted criminal and the narcissistic fury of the school shooter. At the same time, the narcissist’s mirror will also illuminate the positive forces of personal strength and self-love. It will reflect all your misplaced doubts and feelings of inadequacy, your unnecessary complexes, your fears, and your depression. In it you will encounter the naked truth and nothing else. Take a look into this psychological mirror. Examine the face of modern society. See the world around you. Recognize what it means to be human. Recognize yourself.

Living Up to Its Name, orTHE BRILLIANT TRAGEDY OF THE GRANDIOSE EGO

A renowned professor of medicine was well-known for his lectures, and his very appearance was impressive and imposing. The man’s legendary reputation extended far beyond the university and many flocked to see him speak, including the most fashionable people in town who wouldn’t miss the event of the season. His lectures had a style midway between a television show and a circus act, with the professor playing the roles of presenter and clown rolled into one. Such was the atmosphere at the events organized in 19th-century Paris by the great neurologist Jean-Martin Charcot, where he exhibited his female hysteria patients before an awestruck audience of thrill-seekers at the famous Salpêtrière School. The professor was a skilled lecturer, a trained orator, and a dramatic performer. He inspired his students and fascinated his spectators. When he spoke, he always said “we” and never “I.” He would announce that “we have found” this or “we have discovered” that, and pose rhetorical questions such as: What do we mean by that? What can we conclude? What does that tell us?

A woman in the audience who was active in the early feminist movement and represented the women studying at the university asked him in front of everyone, “Monsieur le professeur, when you say ‘we,’ to whom are you referring? Is it your laboratory team? The research group? The faculty?” Without a moment’s pause, oblivious to the student’s ironic tone, and hardly looking her in the eye, he replied with a sweeping gesture as if to say that the entire auditorium and even the world outside it revolved around him. “When we say ‘we,’ we mean us,” he said.

This true story, more amusing than aggravating, demonstrates narcissism in its classic form and all that we typically associate with it. The emphasis here is on image cultivation and vanity, magnetic charisma, and above all a generous helping of self-confidence. The neurologist, radiating self-directed enthusiasm, uses the royal “we,” once reserved for kings and queens. He does so as if it were a matter of course, without a grain of doubt or the slightest bit of embarrassment at his self-aggrandizing speech patterns. Some narcissism experts believe that pronounced attention to oneself is incompatible with highly intellectual thought, or at least requires a shortage of emotional and social intelligence. The professor ignores the obvious criticism aimed at him and devalues the questioner by paying her no attention. With almost virtuosic ease, he fends off the attack and converts it into an even greater performance of self-adulation. Meanwhile, his reaction unwittingly confirms the old joke about the difference between God and a university professor: God knows better than ever to become a professor.

A sought-after management trainer with impeccable teaching skills and correspondingly high fees gave a seminar at a leadership training center on the topic of “Self-Confidence, Poise, and Keeping Your Cool.” She brilliantly explained the psychological basis behind the self and self-esteem, demonstrated compelling ways to improve self-awareness, gave countless tips on how to respond to criticism, and presented sophisticated techniques for reinforcing the self. Her specialty, she said, was the high art of keeping one’s cool. “Think of your enemy as your teacher!” she drilled the participants. “Take criticism as a positive incentive. Why shouldn’t you be the one to decide who gets under your skin?” She went into great detail on how to defend against and cope with an insult. “It’s impossible to irritate a truly cool-headed person. Such people only ever react positively and are never offended.”

Armed with their new bulletproof psychology training, the seminar participants—all of them rising managers and young entrepreneurs—were very impressed and deeply motivated. Afterwards, the workshop organizer asked them to complete an anonymous survey about the seminar’s organization, the timeliness and relevance of the topics covered, and the quality of the presenter. In this last category, the survey included questions about her theoretical knowledge, practical experience, speaking skills, and educational effectiveness. The presenter received outstanding ratings almost across the board. Only two participants complained that her explanations were too superficial, that she hadn’t delved in deeply enough, and hadn’t focused enough on practical applications. When the presenter got the results of the feedback—with a 95 percent satisfaction rate—she immediately sent the organizers an angry email declaring that she would never work for such incompetent people again. Who were such “peasant-like participants” to judge her?

This story illustrates that narcissism spares no one and that even experts are susceptible. Having theoretical knowledge on how to handle an insult does not necessarily mean that a person can always cope when the insult is directed at them. Not only does this narcissism expert have thin skin—unlike “Professor We”—she is also unable to hide it. In her case, narcissism manifests itself in a different way entirely, making her extremely sensitive and almost pathologically prone to taking offense. Tellingly, despite all her knowledge, she has a blind spot for her own vulnerability.

The soup served at the reform school cafeteria was what the kids called the “weekly special”: a broth floating with leftover food from the last few days, plus a splash of vinegar to mask the stench of decay. Fourteen-year-old Jimmy, a recent arrival at the residential school, had gulped it down as best he could. Noticing the queasy look on Jimmy’s face, the chaperone supervising the cafeteria refilled his bowl twice. Finally Jimmy couldn’t hold it in anymore and threw up all over the bowl, the table, and the floor. “I see our little gentleman is too good for the food,” the chaperone said in a threatening voice. “I’ll show you what fine cuisine we have here! Eat up!” None of the other boys dared to react. They all kept eating, too afraid even to watch. The boy, his stomach still wrenching, fighting back tears and nausea, dipped his spoon in the vomit. “And look on the floor. There’s some more delectable soup. Lick it up!”

Despite their differences, the stars of all three episodes share some clear similarities in their attitudes and behavior. All three are entirely self-absorbed in their thoughts and feelings: the professor with his grandiosity, the motivational speaker with her vulnerability, and the teacher with his sadistic need to exercise power. Self-love is evident in all three cases, be it with the neurologist obsessed with his own rhetoric or the easily offended corporate psychology expert, who is too sensitive to see why someone wouldn’t lavish her with praise, or the chaperone, who quenches his thirst for power by debasing a helpless child. At the deepest level, all three are insecure and sensitive. The professor keeps going full steam ahead, and the workshop presenter retreats offended. Neither of them can believe that someone less qualified would question them. The chaperone, who is uneducated and suffers from feelings of inferiority, makes himself feel better by putting others down. None of the three characters takes other people’s feelings into account: the feminist student’s curiosity, the seminar participants’ eagerness for knowledge, or the poor boy’s fear. The professor’s gesture is derisive, the vain expert’s belittling comments are even more vicious, and the chaperone’s sadistic commands are the worst of all.

* * *

Narcissism has a wide variety of manifestations, severity levels, and functions. It can be attractive or disagreeable, intrusive or unassuming, auspicious or dangerous, fascinating or repulsive. In any case, it always remains slightly mysterious. In moderation, it nourishes the ego and promotes healthy self-esteem. In diluted form, it can spread contagiously around a family or workplace. When it becomes pathological, it is one of the most difficult disorders to treat and usually even drives therapists to desperation. Malignant narcissism, with its heartlessness and contempt for humanity, is essentially the psychiatric equivalent of “evil.”

As you can see, narcissism has many faces. It would not be exaggerating to say that it is probably the most interesting, multifaceted, and colorful of psychological phenomena—and the most difficult to handle. Its set of symptoms spans both extremes of the emotional spectrum and includes elements from the entire repertoire of mental disorders. Narcissistic behavior ranges all the way from a sense of one’s own grandiosity to crumbling self-esteem, from schemes for attaining infinite power to cold-blooded devaluation of one’s fellow human beings, from an unquenchable sense of entitlement to masochistic humility. A narcissistic person’s egocentricity is set in stone, and this is often accompanied by an arrogant attitude, a lack of sympathy for others, and constant private insecurities. The feeling of being the envy of everyone due to one’s own magnificence allows narcissists to develop a dangerous attitude whereby they manage always to receive more than they give.

In its positive form, narcissism is an engine for our performance and progress. It promotes creativity and gives us strength, while allowing us to soar above the competition. On the negative side, it can give rise to offense, jealousy, hatred, conflict, crime, and war. Narcissism can ruin partnerships and friendships, destroy marriages and families, ignite arguments and conflicts, and create lifelong enemies.

Narcissism accompanies a person from birth—yes, you read that correctly—until their last breath. It is the foundation of our self-assertiveness and feeds our longing for power. The ongoing effort to be better and more excellent than others is the root of performance and creativity as well as greed and power. Inspired by the desire to get ahead and be superior to others, it encourages people to become ever better, ever stronger, and ever more influential. Psychoanalysis considers the aggressive instinct and the sex drive to be the primal forces of life, providing fundamental vital energy. In contrast, narcissism can be seen as the most frequent and significant implementation of that energy. It is a kind of mental software that shapes one’s attitudes, behavior, and personality. Dictating our feelings and actions, it supplies us with motivations and helps us to set crucial goals. Narcissistic sensations reinforce self-esteem and narcissistic personality traits promote one’s career, whether honest or crooked in nature. On the other hand, an excess of narcissism leads to isolation and mental illness. Narcissism informs people’s choice of partners and professions and affects their behavior in groups or in society. It is a determining factor underlying ambitions and rivalries, competition and progress. The narcissism of entire nations has led to wars, and narcissistic views have provoked profound hostilities. Narcissistic actions have proved to be a critical factor behind recessions and banking crises, modern-day robber barons, the troubles of the developing world, and the destruction of the environment.

The question of what is normal or healthy and what is disturbed or pathological could not be harder to answer than in the case of narcissism. Narcissism provides an almost classic example of the sliding scale. The contradictions between appearances and inner experience, between theory and reality, between glory and desperation are not as pronounced in any other mental disorder as they are with narcissism. In what other area is the cultural and psychological baggage so heavy but the mass of scientific findings so thin on the ground? As mentioned earlier, therapists are scarcely faced with a more difficult condition to treat. Even hysteria is no match for narcissism in terms of inner emotional risks, poor demarcations, and negative transference on others. The contrast between the clear demand for therapy and the available treatment options is more striking than is the case for any other condition.

If one only considers the superficial stereotypes, narcissism could be taken for something terrible, a modern plague, evidence of the degradation of our times. After all, narcissists are a burden on society, ruin communities, and have all kinds of nasty characteristics: egotism, self-worship, conceitedness, recklessness. They are generally despicable. Or are they? Aren’t we all aware of the narcissist’s grandiosity, the narcissistic elite, and narcissist executives? Why are there so many narcissists among managers, film stars, artists, and politicians? Why are so many of our idols narcissists? Does narcissism bring advantages? Are narcissists better at following through on their potential? Are they born success stories? Is narcissism a career opportunity, a prerequisite for social mobility?

Our responses to the narcissist attitudes that are increasingly pervading society are not all negative; at some level, we react with ambivalence if not full-blown admiration. Despite its disparaging tone, the connotations of the word “narcissistic” are not as negative as those of other psychiatric terms such as “psychopath” or “hysterical.” While these originally neutral, purely descriptive terms are now spoken with disgust and have become insults, narcissism is different. It is starting to dawn on us that the basic characteristics implied by the term narcissism might be useful for getting ahead in life, beneficial for our careers, and compatible with principles of modern living. The formerly celebrated virtues of modesty, humility, and restraint have lost their prominence, replaced by the will to succeed, self-promotion, and aspirations to property and power. Narcissism is on the threshold between a problematic, pathological disorder and a legitimate outlook on life. Narcissism is becoming socially acceptable.

* * *

A description of narcissism as a phenomenon would not be complete, however, if it did not also discuss the energy a narcissist emanates, infusing his surroundings and affecting us all. The fascination with narcissism is clearly based on how it impacts the world at large. Narcissists create a unique atmosphere around themselves. The impenetrable walls that narcissists construct around their persons simultaneously repel us and attract us. The aura that develops between a narcissist and their environment, hard to describe and even harder to analyze, makes narcissists stand out even more from the crowd. Narcissists have a certain glow that reflects on their surroundings. When a narcissist enters a room, they immediately conquer it. When they begin to speak, all eyes turn to watch. The aura of a narcissist is penetrating and spares no one. Even if the narcissist doesn’t say anything, express an opinion, or assert their will, we are all somehow affected anyway.

Few people can escape this aura. However we feel about it, we are spellbound in both the positive and negative senses of the word. Everyone who interacts with a narcissist takes on a role whether or not they realize it. There are several possible patterns.

At first we approach the narcissist with a certain distance. No one can fail to notice the missing warmth, the lack of emotional connection, and the interpersonal detachment that confronts us when interacting with a narcissist. This initially inspires caution, and may later elicit admiration, submission, or isolation. Admiration is a relatively undifferentiated, dependent, and ultimately primitive pattern of behavior. Admiration means not letting any doubts or criticism rise to the surface, not questioning the admired person’s opinion, and accepting their statements as indubitably correct. To admire someone is to honor, imitate, and relate with them, but also to lose your own ability to distinguish yourself and to lose a bit of your own independence. Submissiveness means withholding your own opinion, putting your needs in the back seat, subordinating your feelings, and denying your ego. Submissive people never fulfill their true potential; denying an important part of themselves, they are dependent and therefore enslaved.

Both patterns of responses satisfy what narcissists want and expect from the people around them. They need admiration in order to relieve their narcissistic needs, to reinforce their ego further still. Admiration is their bread and butter, their sustenance, food for their psyche. They see submission as an expression of their own magnificence. It reinforces their sense of superiority and their claim to power, while signifying the submissive person’s devaluation.

The narcissist has an excellent grasp of how to create an atmosphere that is impervious to criticism. Every person around them can sense the narcissist’s extreme sensitivity, abnormal touchiness, and unapologetic nature. Submissive out of anticipation, no one has the gall to voice criticism or point out mistakes. Overstepping that boundary would mean breaking a taboo, almost committing blasphemy, which would be sure to make the critic feel guilty or inspire the narcissist to perform disproportionate acts of revenge. Even an attempt to reflect on the situation objectively is taken as malevolent, insidious, and inexcusable. The mere threat of an emotional outburst is enough for the narcissist to keep everyone else in check and suppress even the most minor germ of criticism. Many people who have dated or worked with narcissists reported constant guilt trips: “When I’m around them, I always feel guilty even if I don’t know why.”

The narcissist plays with these feelings, exploiting their effects and the resulting self-restraint with ice-cold calculation. Essentially, they establish a reign of emotional terror, unspoken blame, and silent accusation.

Thus the form and intensity of narcissistic behavior varies not only depending on the particular narcissist, but also crucially depending on their environment. While influencing us imperceptibly, the narcissist is incredibly sharp at figuring out other people’s reactions and enormously skilled at manipulating people. Thanks to their high-level suspicious sensitivity, they can immediately sense each person’s reactions in their environment: who is on their side, who feels subordinate to them, who admires them, who follows their lead, and who remains unaffected and autonomous—and therefore threatening. As a born master of interpersonal transference, they register each response pattern and exploit it almost instinctively. For the benefit of those who admire them, they continue to act admirable. For those who submit to them, they will keep their distance and act out their scorn, fulfilling their sadistic impulses. They treat anyone who manages to stay independent with animosity, and their critics are the objects of their unrelenting hatred. In order to cope with narcissistic people, we need to think about transference and countertransference, reflect on our potential roles as enablers, and distance ourselves from the narcissist’s atmosphere, at least on an emotional level. We can only achieve that by familiarizing ourselves with the full range of narcissistic disorders, from the magnificent to the miserable. It helps to keep a steady behind-the-scenes perspective, and maintain a certain distance like a therapist. This makes us more neutral, more aware, more autonomous, and—crucially—more difficult to manipulate. The key question is whether we non-narcissists (if that is what we are) fall prey to the tantalizing aroma of the narcissus, or whether we can free ourselves from its intoxication.

Narcissism Meets Narkis, orTHE TIMELESS MYTH

If we want to grasp the nature of narcissism, there’s no getting around the myth. It is for good reason that every essay on narcissism centers on the legend of Narcissus, the handsome, almost god-like boy in love with his own reflection who perishes because of his obsessive adoration of himself. The Ancient Greeks’ way with words painted a psychological picture that encompasses age-old wisdom, an enduring grasp of human nature, a broad sense of psychology, and ideas that almost prophetically anticipated psychoanalytic concepts, all at once.

Across the centuries, Narcissus stood for the personification of self-love throughout art and culture. The countless paintings depicting him include frescoes at Pompeii (ca. 70 AD), a celebrated painting by Caravaggio (1598–99), a Nicolas Poussin canvas (1629–30) on display in the Louvre, a chiaroscuro portrayal by Gyula Benczúr (1881), and “Echo and Narcissus” by John William Waterhouse (1903). Beyond the best-known literary account, Metamorphoses by the Roman writer Ovid, the theme of Narcissus pervades literary history all the way to Herman Hesse’s novel Narcissus and Goldmund. Angelus Silesius, the German mystic of the Baroque period, railed against cockiness in one of his famous sermons, declaring that “Narcissus doth drown himself for he wants himself to love,” and even Goethe alluded to him in his novel Elective Affinities