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With the hilarious "instant cult classic" Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal, Vern wrote a book that shook the very foundations of film criticism (then broke their wrists and threw them through a window). Now he's back, and this time he's got all 'the films of badass cinema' in his sights... Discover how one review earned Vern a wrestling challenge from the film's director; and how his explosive essay on the PG-13 rating of the fourth Die Hard movie prompted a certain 'Walter B' to walk barefoot across the broken glass of movie nerd message boards to respond... Why is the success of Transformers a sign of society on the brink of collapse? Is Mary Poppins a bit like Batman? How does Buñuel's The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie compare to Jean-Claude Van Damme's surrealist masterpiece Double Team? And why is Bruce Willis's album The Return of Bruno of historical significance? From the morality of live action/animated couples to the simple pleasures of movies that Blow Things Up Real Good, Vern has an opinion on many Important Topics, and he's not shy about sharing them in this, a collection of film criticism that will make all other collections of film criticism suffer from jealousy and low self-esteem.
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“He’s so good. I wish he would review more often... Although he is so harsh... it always comes from disappointment. He wants movies to be great, you know?” — Patton Oswalt, comedian and actor (Ratatouille, Dollhouse), interviewed on Ain’t It Cool News
“Written in head-spinning Vern-acular prose, these reviews will have you rolling on the floor with laughter and, with lightning-bolt speed, provoke demolishing insights into the films they address. Equal parts Hell’s Angels and Pauline Kael, Vern is a National Treasure!!!”
— Guillermo Del Toro, director of Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy
“This book is an instant cult classic.” — bookgasm.com
“We can’t believe this actually exists, but the world is certainly a better place for it.” — New York Magazine
“Uproariously funny... the film book I never knew I always wanted to read.” — Nerve.com
“It’s as enlightening as it is thorough.” — TIME
“A new branch of academia.” — Entertainment Weekly
“REQUIRED READING. [Vern] analyzes Seagal’s body of work — including energy drinks he endorsed — as if he were deconstructing the Bible.” — New York Post
“One of the most compulsively readable film books ever published and I’m not kidding about that even a little bit.” — Twitchfilm
“A book that every human being on the planet should own.” — The Video Vacuum
As a frequent writer for Ain’t It Cool News, VERN has gained notoriety for his unorthodox reviewing style and his expertise in “the films of Badass Cinema.” As detailed in this book, his review of the slasher movie Chaos earned him a wrestling challenge from its director; his explosive essay on the PG-13 rating of the fourth Die Hard movie prompted Bruce Willis himself to walk barefoot across the broken glass of movie nerd message boards to respond. His previous book, Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal, did indeed shake the very foundations of film criticism, garnering rave reviews and featuring in TIME magazine. Guillermo Del Toro, the director of Pan’s Labyrinth, called Vern “a National Treasure”. He lives in Seattle.
WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS
ISBN 9780857687371
Published by
Titan Books
A division of
Titan Publishing Group Ltd
144 Southwark St
London
SE1 0UP
First edition March 2010
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
“Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer”: Writings on Bruce Willis, Badass Cinema and Other Important Topics copyright © 2010 by Vern. All rights reserved.
Designed by Martin Stiff.
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Publisher’s Note:
This publication has not been prepared, approved, licensed or endorsed by Bruce Willis, or any entity that created or produced any of the films or programs discussed in this book.
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No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, or by any of the actors who appeared in the original Die Hard including smaller supporting roles such as Al Leong or the guy who played Argyle, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
Printed in the United States of America.
INTRODUCTION
1: WARRIORS
300
The Warriors
Enter The Ninja
By Popular Demand! Vern Reviews the Gymkata DVD!!
2: THOU SHALT NOT LIE WITH CARTOONS AS WITH LIVE ACTION
Enchanted
The Polar Express 3-D Imax Spookarama
The Beowulf 3-D Imax Experience
Garfield
Cars
Mary Poppins
X-2: X-Men United
3: BLOW THINGS UP REAL GOOD
Action Jackson
Stone Cold
Commando
Predator
Predator 2
The Protector
To Live And Die In L.A.
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto
4: PHILOSOPHY
Knightriders
Holy Mountain
Groundhog Day
Waking Life
5: TANGENTS
Friday After Next
Crank
Walking Tall (2004)
6: IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAMLET
Vern Vs. Transformers
The Terminator
(The) T(Erminator) 2(: Judgment Day)
E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial: The Special Edition: For The 20th Anniversary: The Movie
Mission: Impossible: Part 3
The Dark Knight
Aliens
7: THE ISSUES
Black Book (Zwartboek)
White Dog
Crash (2005)
Racially Questionable Double Feature: John Ford’s Prisoner Of Shark Island And Karl Armstrong’s Ninja Vengeance
Brokeback Mountain
They Live
8: THE ARTS
The Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie
Across The Universe
Finding Neverland
Raiders Of The Lost Ark: The Adaptation
9: MISCELLANEOUS
Domino
M. Night Shyamalan’s Lady In The Water
Star Wars Part 3: Revenge Of The Siths
2001: A Space Odyssey
10: FILTH AND SLEAZE
Zoo
The Aristocrats
Hated: GG Allin And The Murder Junkies
The Real Cancun
The Brown Bunny
Bad Lieutenant
11: TALES FROM VERN’S BLOODY CRYPT OF PHANTASMOGORIFYING HORRORS
Phantasm II: Lord Of Balls
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare
Candyman
The Gingerdead Man
High Tension (Aka Haute Tension, Aka Switchblade Romance)
Slumber Party Massacre
Funny Games
Vern On The Chaos DVD, The Age Old Torture Porn Debate, And What Happens When A Pro-Wrestler Runs Loose In The L.A. County Coroner’s Office
The Virgin Spring — Or Max Von Sydow’s Badass Revenge
12: THE MANY FACETS OF BADASS CINEMA
Rolling Thunder
Sorcerer
Kikijuro
Eastern Promises
Dolemite
Enter The Dragon
The Glove
Death Wish II
Sudden Impact
Unforgiven
Yojimbo
And A Fistful Of Dollars
And — Why The Hell Not — Last Man Standing
INTERLUDE:
Outlaw Music
13: BRUCE
Nothing Lasts Forever: The Birth Of Die Hard
Bruce Willis’s Die Hard 2
The Last Boy Scout
The Fifth Element
Sudden Death
‘Fox — Vern Has Some Words For You About The Pansy-Assing Of The 4th Die Flaccid Movie’... And The Full Story Of The ‘Walter B’ Talkback
AFTERWORD:
Man Stuff — Clint, Bruce, and Urodynamic Evaluation
APPENDIX 1:
The Theory of Badass Juxtaposition
APPENDIX 2:
The Badass 100
Aug 31 1999, 12:00 am
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.current-films
From: outlaw_69@my-deja.com
Date: 1999/08/31
Subject: WHO’S SEEN DIE HARD?
anybody? —vern
If you’re reading this you might’ve heard of me from my book Seagalogy, or my contributions to the Ain’t It Cool News web site. More likely you never heard of me at all and are just now realizing that whichever book by an author beginning with ‘V’ you meant to pick up, you got the one next to it. But please hear me out pal. Whatever nonsense you were looking for, this nonsense is way better. It is a collection of movie reviews that will make all other collections of movie reviews suffer from jealousy and low self-esteem. And I don’t feel good about that because all of the books should get along and not go around backstabbing each other, but life’s a bitch, you know?
I am not a professional movie critic, I’m just some asshole. Until publishing a book I never got paid a dime for any of these reviews. But for the last ten years, for some reason, I’ve dedicated my life to writing about movies. I started with moronic scribblings on newsgroups (see above), expanded into a crude free website on Geocities.com, then became a regular on the aforementioned The Ain’t It Cool News and wrote the also aforementioned acclaimed book about the films of Steven Seagal.
This book is not Willisology. Yippee Ki-Yay Moviegoer is about the love of all types of movies, and I couldn’t think of a better symbol for that than my man Bruce. When I first saw Die Hard I couldn’t believe that comedian from Moonlighting had just starred in the greatest American action movie I’d ever seen. (I still consider it #1). But by the time he was getting acclaim for his quiet performance in The Sixth Sense he was so associated with action movies that he surprised people again. The lesson is to be good at what you do, but do more than one thing. Bruce has been many things to many people: an iconic screen wiseass, a badass action star, an underrated dramatic actor, an inspiration to victims of male pattern baldness, a tireless advocate of Seagram’s Golden Wine Cooler. I would like to be the Bruce Willis of film criticism. I don’t play harmonica though just to be up front here.
You probably have some ideas about what a film critic is, either good or bad. I don’t really see myself fitting in with most of those guys. I’m not into the consumer reports type reviewing you see in newspapers and some commercial web sites. You know, the short little formulaic reviews where they give you a plot summary and tell you if it’s recommended or not. I’m more in line with the long-winded New Yorker types and academicians who want to explore a movie in context with film history and American culture, who want to explore what makes movies work or not and examine the themes of genres and subgenres. But I’m still kind of a weirdo in those circles because although I do like documentaries and that “new wave” they had in France that one time, I am more likely to fixate on, say, slasher sequels of the ’80s or action movies starring former professional athletes.
I’m not fuckin around here, I believe a well-rounded film lover oughta have something to say about Jean-Luc Godard and Jean-Claude Van Damme. And okay, so maybe I have more expertise in the latter, but that’s an area that has not been studied as much. In this book I will discuss the works of Brian Bosworth and Alejandro Jodorowsky and everything in between, and I will hopefully treat them with the same level of sincere respect. If you read my Seagal book you know what I’m about — hopefully these reviews will make you laugh, but not at the expense of legitimate insights into the films, and definitely not in some smarmy sarcastic kind of way. I might be writing about a type of movie that you think is ridiculous but please realize that I genuinely love these types of movies.
I don’t see many critics out there standing up for the genres and issues I care about, or even treating film criticism as the artform that I think it should be. So in my mind I’m John McClane and the world of film criticism is Nakatomi Plaza. I’m an off-duty individual who happened to be in a certain place at a certain time — I won’t pass judgment on whether it was “right” or “wrong” — and I knew nobody else was gonna fuckin do it. So even though I’m unarmed and I have no shoes on I walk over the glass and take care of business using my unorthodox methods and sardonic quips. And I guess Al Powell would be all the nice people who email me all the time, helping me out from the outside, believing in me when no one else does. I’m not sure who Argyle is. I’ll have to think about this metaphor a little more.
Anyway, thanks for hearing me out. I hope you will purchase this book and subsequently enjoy it. If you flip through you’ll see it covers a pretty weird list of movies and filmmakers. Who the hell does a book that discusses both Julie Taymor and The Gingerdead Man? Only me, I guess. But don’t worry. These aren’t necessarily supposed to be the most important movies there are, but they’re some of the best reviews I’ve done over the years and they hopefully bring up larger points about movies (and even society) as a whole. In short, all smart people buy this book, and no dumb people. Sorry dumb people, maybe next time. If you are a professor please assign this book to your class. Also buy it for everybody for birthdays and holidays. Help me out here buddy I think you know it’s the right thing to do.
You and I are thinkers. We are book readers and writers. We like to analyze and mull over shit. Some of us may be fighters also, but we remain thoughtful. We are not barbarians. This chapter is not about us.
This chapter is about men forged in the heat of battle and what not. I’m talking about individuals who excel in the use of the swords, the throwing stars, the chains, the two-by-fours with a nail in it. Their stories are presented here in chronological order.
These men are experts in murder and mayhem, geniuses of assassination and stealth. They know how to punch, to kick, to stab, to phalanx, to use a pommel horse. Some of them are loners, some travel in packs. They are Spartans, Warriors, Baseball Furies, ninjas, Olympic gymnasts. They are physical beings, creatures of destruction. If they are ever creative, it is only in the innovative ways that they are destructive. The only time they are inside their head is when some other savage fucker shot an arrow or threw a knife at them and they have to pull it out of their skull.
Some of them don’t fight beneath a flag or even behind a code, they just exist to defeat their opponents. Their shields, their denim vests or ninja masks are everything they believe in. Those are the men we are here to discuss. Today we speak of the warriors.
Actually come to think of it these are some stupid motherfuckers, but they seem pretty cool in movies.
Make no mistake about it, it’s hard out here for a Spartan. A lot of these bastards, they’re “baptized in the fire of combat.” They grow up having to fight their dad all day, and I mean really fight him. You thought your dad pushed you too hard at hoops, well at least he didn’t beat on you until you fucked up. These guys, the beating is the actual practice. It’s their culture.
In some of the other neighborhoods, like Arcadia for example, you can grow up to be a potter, a sculptor or a blacksmith. In Sparta, you’re a soldier. But you don’t even get to talk about it, like “What do you do for a living?” “Oh, I’m a soldier. I’m baptized in the fire of combat.” In Sparta, they ask you what your trade is you gotta yell out “WHOO WHOO!” or something. You are highly trained in combat and in grunting.
Basically, you’re trained your whole life to fight, and you learn that the best thing in the world is to die “a beautiful death” in battle. If it’s not that great of a battle then forget it, it has to be a really good battle, and then if you die, that’s awesome. No mention of 72 virgins, or the afterlife at all, unless “Tonight we dine in Hell!” is meant literally, which is debatable.
But then after all that training they might not even let you fight. First of all, you have to have a son. Not just a bun in the oven either, it has to be a born son to carry on your name. Bloodlines are a big deal to these people. And then there are body image issues to deal with. There are some serious pecs and six packs on these Spartans. I don’t know if shirts were invented yet or not, but they don’t wear shirts. You can imagine that if you didn’t have pecs like that you would feel pretty fuckin worthless. You’d look like a freak.
Even worse, what if you literally are a freak? Like this one guy, I forget what they call him, but he is Walt Disney’s Hunchy, from the movie Walt Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The guy looks like the Toxic Avenger after he broke his spine in a car accident, and he’s trying to fit in with all these fuckin Adonises. He’s a Spartan, so obviously he’s trained his whole life and he can fight like nobody’s business, but because of his birth defects he can’t raise his shield to the proper phalanx height, so they won’t let him help. It’s like those guys that wanted to help out in WWII but they got rejected because of their eyesight or something. Except this guy can’t get laid either. And because of their whole macho culture he thinks he has to redeem his father by killing. Everything in Sparta is about killing. He can’t open up a hospital and name it after his father, that wouldn’t do it.
I really wondered during the movie what exactly these Spartans do when they’re not fighting. If it’s not a war, it’s training the kids for war. Okay, so there’s some sex, but it’s “I’m about to leave for war” sex. They definitely got some great warriors in this joint but I bet there’s not shit to do during peace time. You can’t even climb a tree because there’s dead bodies nailed to it.
For women, I don’t know, it might not be as bad. They have to stay at home and they have to worry about their husbands and sons dying, but they are given more human rights than in some of the other cultures. A Persian messenger is offended when the Queen speaks to him. More importantly, King Leonidas looks at the Queen and waits for an approving nod before he sets off a war by killing the sexist bastard. There is still room for advancement but at least there’s a little bit of power there, like Hillary Clinton when she tried to get us health care.
One thing that definitely sucks about being a woman in Sparta: it’s too god damn cold. You can tell because their nipples are always rock hard.
And the worst thing for both sexes: having to hear about Sparta and Spartans all the fucking time. We are Sparta! Spartans, prepare to fight! In Sparta we do this, in Sparta we don’t do that. Spartans are like this, white people are like that. Sparta Sparta Sparta Sparta. They NEVER fucking shut up. Half these guys, it’s like they don’t even have names, the King calls them “Spartan.” Not even an occasional “buddy” or “pal” or “chief,” everybody is a nationality. “Hey Arcadian,” or “Hey Persian.” I mean, I have a name, dude. I guess it’s good that Sparta means so much to the King, but jesus. ANYTHING you talk about that much, you’re gonna get on somebody’s nerves. Get a hobby, dude.
I also get a sense there’s some bigotry going on here. I mean obviously King Xerxes and the Persians really are planning to enslave Sparta, so the Spartans have every right to fight back. But why does the first guy they kill, and the most joyfully evil guy they encounter, gotta be the only two African-Persians they ever run into? This one dark skinned guy cackles satanically and then his whole face digitally turns ink black except for his eyes. And I’m sure it’s an homage to the drawings in the comic strip this is based on, but jesus.
I bet they’re pretty progressive about gays, though. True, some nationality or other gets called a bunch of “boy lovers,” and I’m sure it bugs some of these guys that Xerxes has fruity looking painted on eyebrows. But I think most would agree that this movie would make a good double feature with Dreamigirls.
It also reminded me a little bit of Apocalypto. It has less pretense of being actual history (even though it’s based on an actual battle) because it’s more stylized and has a couple monsters in it. But it’s another macho, balls-to-the-wall action movie. And just like in Apocalypto, the invading army are a bunch of assholes sporting more bling than Bishop Don Magic Juan. How do they go to the bathroom with all that shit on?1
From the looks of it everything is better in Persia. They got more numbers, they got fancy boats, they can cover their chests, they get to ride pimped out elephants and rhinos instead of shitty old horses. They have crazy orgies and even hunchbacks are invited. The King is such an asshole he rides around in a parade float carried on people’s backs. And he uses them as stairs when he wants to get off. Rich bastards flaunting their Liberace lifestyle. Spartas don’t like it. They grew up rough, they’re straight outta Sparta.
Another one this reminded me of was the first Conan movie. Because it’s macho as hell, it’s a good simple story about brawn and not so much brain, and it takes place somewhere between the real world and fantasyland. The people who look like monsters are supposed to be inbreds, and there’s no dragons or talking birds or nothing. Only seagulls that snack on dead bodies.
Walking out of the movie I heard some guys saying there was no story, it was just fighting. I don’t think they meant this as a bad thing. But they’re wrong. This is actually a very old and very good story, the story of the 300 Spartans and 6,700 of their close friends who thought it was a good idea to fight hundreds of thousands of invading Persians. It’s a story, but it’s a story freebased to its purest elements. These guys are fighters, they fight. They got a good strategy. They got a simple philosophy. And they kill some motherfuckers, actually a lot of them. Some of the battle sequences are pretty impressive, there are some long, elaborate slow motion shots where Leonidas runs through a crowd chopping up who knows how many Persian motherfucks in a row.
According to my sources, 300 is based on a comic strip by Frank Miller, same guy who did Sin City. The comic strip is inspired by the movie 300 Spartans which is based on the actual historical events of the battle of whatsisdick in 480 BC. I don’t know much about any of these things so I consulted my Nerd Issues Correspondent. He hasn’t read the comic strip (he doesn’t like stories where capes are worn in a legitimate historical context) but he says this is a landmark comic book movie because it’s the first one to credit a colorist (Lynn Varley) for creating the source material. Man, that’s progress. I wish Dr. King was here.
Anyway, my guy hasn’t read it but he heard the movie exactly captured the artwork from the strip, like Sin City. If so I think they did a better job of making it seem like a real movie than Sin City. This whole movie is stylized, right down to the blood sprays that are animated to look like ink splattered on a page. But it has more depth to it, it looks more like a real world that these people actually live in. Even if it’s really a blue screen. They got some more Dick Tracy makeup in this one but it’s not the main characters, the main characters are real people.
And I have to give credit to this Gerard Butler, who plays Leonidas. He’s not like a Daniel Craig or somebody who’s gonna conquer the world with his charisma. But he’s convincing as the baddest motherfucker of the 400 BCs, the guy you’d follow on a suicide mission. And with that pointy beard he sure looks a lot like crazy fuckin Mel Gibson. (Prediction: Gerard Butler in Mad Max 4.)
I liked this movie. I’m not gonna say I loved it, but it was very enjoyable. These days you don’t see this tone too often — it’s an action movie that’s dead serious, not a bunch of wisecracking, but it’s not at all pretentious. It’s not trying to trick you into thinking it’s more than just a bunch of patriotic musclemen throwing spears and trying not to get hit by arrows. There are numerous great badass moments, including when the Spartans build a wall out of dead people, and when they bury some suckers under the wall of dead people. There’s some good tough talking too, and at least some of it is taken from the accepted historical accounts of the event. When the Persians tell the Spartans to hand over their weapons and Leonidas says to “Come and get ‘em,” it’s not an action movie cliché, that’s supposedly what he said.
To me it’s kind of like Gladiator except nicer to look at, with battles where you can follow what’s going on, and it’s shorter and less pretentious so I had more fun and didn’t feel insulted by it.
The director is Zack Snyder, his second movie after the surprisingly good Dawn of the Dead remake. So we know now that wasn’t a fluke, this is a guy who can make a fun and cool looking movie with some good violence for the whole family. (“ARE YOU ENTERTAINED?”) The question now is if he has a brain in his head, or if he’s just working on some really good filmatic reflexes. First he took probably the most thoughtful of all the modern horror classics and remade it as a movie about nothing. Now he makes a movie that non-judgmentally tells about a society of nationalistic killing machines. I’d say he’s definitely a good director but can we call him an interesting director before we know if the guy ever, like, thought about stuff before? I’m not sure, but if the next one is empty too I’m gonna have some suspicions. You can’t eat cotton candy for every meal of the day. But for breakfast and lunch, I guess that’ll be okay.
I gotta be honest. As good as The Warriors is it’s not quite the amazing masterpiece I like to remember it as. What makes it good is mostly on the surface: the different gangs and their gimmicks, the bleak rawness of everything from the cinematography to the John Carpenter-ish analog keyboard music, and the dead seriousness of all the characters in the face of this exaggerated world where thugs patrol the streets in baseball uniforms and gangs seem to outnumber law abiding citizens by a thousand to one.
This is all more than enough to make it some kind of minor classic, but my memory was being pretty charitable to the storytelling. I always loved the mythological simplicity of it: Cyrus calls a meeting to try to unite all the gangs, some prick assassinates Cyrus and blames The Warriors, now these nine guys have to cross New York on foot to get back home before the other gangs kill them. It’s a good old fashioned odyssey or a gauntlet or whatever.
But watching it this time I don’t think Walter Hill keeps the momentum of that journey from point A to point B. Or the simplicity. He splits up the group. They don’t even realize at first that everyone’s after them. And half of them keep getting distracted by the eternal search for pussy. This is pretty funny when they try to hook up with the girl gang called the Lizzies and they don’t seem to notice the obvious fact that the Lizzies are not, you know, into guys. If only that homophobic prick Ajax was there, he calls everybody “faggot” all the time so maybe he would’ve picked up on it. Anyway, there’s some meandering, it doesn’t really build like it could, when they get to the beach on Coney Island to face off with their enemies maybe you should feel more like they’ve been through Hell and back.
But I’m kind of nitpicking. I like the whole tone of this movie. Everybody looks so serious all the time. Warriors rarely smile. They’re macho like Spartans, they have a code they stick to stubbornly. Like the scene where they have to go through Orphan turf but there’s a whole political negotiation first. And it’s decided that all they have to do is take off their vests, they can’t go through in uniform. But they refuse. They’d rather fight and maybe die than take off their colors. It’s not clear if they’d be allowed to just turn them inside out like they made kids do with their Spuds Mackenzie shirts in the ’80s. And if it had been the Baseball Furies or the mime gang would they have had to clean off their face paint?
One of my favorite touches is the DJ played by Lynn Thigpen, only seen as a pair of lips talking into a microphone. She’s in cahoots with the Riffs so she dedicates records as coded messages to the gangs about the mission to kill The Warriors. For example she plays ‘Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide’ at the beginning. She plays a lot of white rock music, I guess in deference to the multi-culti makeup of the gang. Unfortunately there was no song called ‘Sorry We Fucked Up and Had Everybody Trying To Kill You (Tonight)’ so she had to play something a little less direct at the end, I’m not sure what it’s called.
That’s probably why the government is always worried about terrorist suspects sending coded messages through the media — they’ve seen The Warriors.
The Warriors are anti-heroes. They’re not good people and they’re not any more heroic than most of the other gangs. But you can side with them because of the odds against them. You can tell it’s hard out there for a Warrior. Watching the movie again I realized my life these days is really nothing like the Warriors, for example I generally wear a shirt. But I think all of us can find some part of our life to relate to their predicament.
Let me tell you a story. This has very little to do with The Warriors but it will be cathartic to write it, so bear with me. Right after I watched the movie I went across the street because I had to mail a bill I’m late on. I live in an apartment building but I have to move out pretty soon because it got bought out by some asshole company that’s “renovating” the apartments and jacking up the rent, pricing us all out. So there are always these young rich couples moving in. As I was coming back in the building I saw this couple having trouble carrying a dresser up the stairs. For some reason the man was at the top and the woman was on the bottom and I felt like I would be an asshole just to walk past them. So I asked if they needed help.
“Would you really do that?” the woman asked gratefully. So I helped her lift her end, which was empty and not as heavy as I thought it was gonna be. But suddenly there was a loud metal clang as a bunjie corded hand truck fell from beneath the dresser, the tape they had across the drawers gave, some of the drawers fell open and my fingers got crushed between I don’t know what.
My first thought was to apologize, but I didn’t because my second thought was why the fuck are these people carrying a dresser with the drawers still in and facing down and then being surprised when they fall open? I thought they were just carrying a dresser up the stairs like a normal person would do, it didn’t occur to me they would be trying some weird scheme where you roll a dollie up some stairs so you don’t have to take the drawers out. So maybe I should’ve been looking closer, but I feel that those sorts of carts are durable enough to take a fall and nobody should be crying about it.
I dislodged my fingers, we pushed the drawers in, turned the chest sideways and the woman angrily thanked God that nothing was damaged. The guy said, “You can set it down.” I was ready to go but I thought maybe he needed to rest.
I stood to the side for an excruciating half minute or so as they stared me down and I realized that they were blaming me for this incident. I was ready to carry the damn thing to wherever they needed it, it would only take a couple minutes, I could probably do it by myself if they’re gonna just stand there. But “It’s okay, you don’t have to help,” he said impatiently. “We’ll figure something out.”
“I can help, it’s not a problem, but—” I trailed off as I realized what he meant was they were waiting for me to leave.
I ducked into my apartment in disbelief and undeserved shame. What the fuck? They didn’t even get it into the building, they weren’t allowing me to help. A total stranger trying to help some yuppies move into the same building he has to move out of because he doesn’t make as much money as they do. And I really like this place too, I wish I could stay. Even if it had been my fault — and even if harm of some kind had been done — sure, it would be awkward, you don’t have to say “thank you,” but show some fuckin manners. Don’t put it on the good Samaritan. At worst I am a well-intentioned Samaritan. But at least in Samaria we take the damn drawers out before hauling the shit up the stairs.
Man, that bummed me out, put a wicked hex on my whole night, even though I had just watched The Warriors! Thanks a lot. Welcome, neighbor. I hope you enjoy paying $500 more than I did. Just so you know — they got rid of the on-site manager when they bought the building. Last month some drunk puked right there where you won’t let me move your dresser from. Nobody cleaned it up, we just waited for it to rain. True story.
At first I thought damn, that was a Larry David moment right there. But then I realized no, that was like The Warriors. Blamed for a crime I didn’t commit. And blamed by the people who actually did it. We’ve all been in that position of having the hammer come down on us and we didn’t even do anything. That’s why I am a Warrior. And you too are a Warrior. We all are Warriors. Except personally I am against “runnin a train” on some lady, I don’t know about you guys but that seems pretty wrong to me. Otherwise I am a Warrior. The Baseball Furies are also pretty good although it would be a pain in the ass putting on all that face paint. So I am a Warrior. And I will come out and play.
NOTE: This review is based on the original DVD release of The Warriors. I made a point not to watch the director’s cut special edition, where Walter Hill went back and added cheesy comic book frames as transitions.
This week I followed an anonymous tip to take a look at an individual named Sho Kosugi. This guy starred in a series of ninja movies and was said to be a missing link in my badass studies to date. I looked him up and found that Enter the Ninja is also known as Ninja 1 because it begins a series, so I started with that.
The movie opens promisingly with the badass in question, Mr. Sho Kosugi, in full ninja uniform, standing in front of a black void, demonstrating every weapon he knows. Nunchakas, throwing stars, arrows, daggers, grappling hook, blow gun. You name it, he spins it around or shoots it. The guy is obviously good and it’s kind of cool how he is basically doing show and tell for you throughout the opening credits. It might as well be some Ninja How-To video. But then all the sudden a ninja in all white flies onto the screen and “kicks” him in the head (although it doesn’t look like he makes contact at all).
Then we go into the opening scene, where this White Ninja fights Sho Kosugi. I call him White Ninja because not only is he wearing all white, but you can tell by his eyes that he’s a white man. White Ninja faces Sho Kosugi and his men (red ninjas), who chase him through the woods, over a waterfall, into a temple where he bows to an old man and then chops off his head.
Up to this point there is no dialogue, no explanation. But I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on here. White Ninja is mad because everybody makes fun of him for being White Ninja. Nothing against us white men, but we are not the best ninjas, in my opinion. It’s just not one of the things we’re good at. So to shame him for his whiteness the other ninjas call him White Ninja and force him to wear an all white ninja outfit. This is clearly a mocking gesture because why the hell would you wear a white ninja outfit unless you were going to assassinate somebody in the snow, or in DMX’s all-white apartment from Belly? Otherwise you stick out like a sore thumb, as demonstrated when he runs through the trees. There’s a reason why polar bears live in the snow and brown bears live in the woods, but ninja logic doesn’t follow nature, I guess. It is anti-nature. My guess is they tricked him and told him that wearing all white means you’re the most powerful ninja. And he fell for it.
To be fair, an argument could be made for an all white ninja outfit being a “Just Don’t Give a Fuck” type of boastful ninja maneuver. As if to say I will wear an all white outfit and still disappear into the shadows. Maybe the rank of White Ninja is the second highest ninja honor behind Reflective Fluorescent Orange Ninja. Well, if so this White Ninja clearly didn’t earn that honor. He’s good for a white man, but as far as we can see he couldn’t even do 1/8 the shit Sho Kosugi did in his show and tell. This guy is a punk. Then he chops off an old man’s head.
Well don’t worry, turns out it’s all fake, it’s a trial for Ninja School. A final exam to prove that he’s a master of ninjitsu. Sho Kosugi’s character Hasegawa (namesake of former Seattle Mariner Shigatosi Hasegawa) however doesn’t agree that the white man should get this honor and he’s real pissed. And it’s no wonder, when White Ninja takes his mask off he turns out to be the Italian actor Franco Nero. Despite his ’70s white-karate style mustache, Franco Nero is not a martial artist or a master of ninjitsu, no matter what he may tell you. He knows less martial arts than Dolemite or Billy Jack in the first two Billy Jack movies (including Born Losers).
Now unmasked and openly mustached, White Civilian Ninja leaves Japan and goes to Manila. An old war buddy named Frank sent for help because some assholes are trying to squeeze him out of his property. So most of the movie is about Nero without his ninja outfit acting as a one-man army warding off the various thugs that come after his buddy.
You can’t really take the movie very seriously because the casting is so phony. Why do so many movies take that route of wanting to show some culture, but only by having a white guy infiltrate that culture? Some day there will be American Sumo starring James Gandolfini and The Last Geisha starring Sandra Bullock. Anyway, at the end Nero has to face Sho Kosugi in a ninja duel and it’s just ridiculous. It’s like if Ben Affleck had to play a muay thai boxer who competes with Tony Jaa. And then not only would the plot call for Ben Affleck to win the duel, but Tony Jaa would announce that Affleck had beat him with honor and would ask him to cut off his head. I don’t buy that from Ben Affleck and I don’t buy it from Franco Nero. (Although Franco could take Ben, even now.)
That casting guarantees that the movie is mostly good for laughs, but director Menahem Golan (of the infamous Cannon Group, also directed Delta Force) delivers all kinds of fun badass moments. There’s a good scene where Frank goes to talk with one of the guys who’s after his property. While he’s coming into the mansion White Ninja sneaks around (still not in ninja outfit) killing or knocking out all the security guys. Later, the bad guy signals for his security. Only six guys come out, he gets embarrassed and has to figure out what happened to the other fourteen. Then White Ninja and Frank only have to take on the remaining six.
After the big fight they go to the bar, where Frank reveals that lately he can’t get it up for his wife Mary Ann (Susan George). It’s kind of weird because okay, some guys are trying to steal your property, in that case you can call on the skills of a ninja. But now you’re telling him you can’t get it up? I don’t see how he can hel— oh. Wait a minute.
Indeed, Mary Ann uses her own amateur ninja skills to sneak into White Ninja’s bed. So you see, this really is a guy who travels around the world helping people.
Eventually the bad guys stop fucking around, they find out that White Ninja is a ninja so they hire their own, Hasegawa. Hasegawa kills Frank and kidnaps Mary Ann. White Ninja paces around the ranch yelling “Mary Ann! Mary Ann!” and then suddenly it cuts to him with the full ninja outfit armed with every sword, bow, blow gun, ninja star and smoke bomb he can carry. This is a hilarious cut because he hasn’t had the ninja outfit since the first scene in the movie. That’s the kind of badass momentum I like. Golan knows there is no need for the dramatic suiting up scene. You kidnap a woman, you gotta deal with a fuckin NINJA. In costume. That’s just what happens.
Now, on this particular mission of revenge, it turns out that the White Ninja costume really is useful. He sneaks into the villain’s building, which is lightly colored and lit naturally by sunlight. The white costume is more camouflaged than traditional black would’ve been. Plus, all the bad guys wear white suits, so if you saw White Ninja out of the corner of your eye you might think he works there. White Ninja needs that extra advantage because he is Nero, not a stunt double, and he’s not very graceful.
The bad guy isn’t there, but his right hand man tells White Ninja “Mr. Venarius has been expecting you.” They get in the car and drive to the cockfighting pit where, for some reason, Mr. Venarius is waiting. Even though everybody knows White Ninja’s name and what he looks like, he rides in the car wearing the full ninja costume and mask, which is awesome. Right hand man gets out of the car to tell Venarius they’ve arrived, and when he goes back to the car White Ninja is gone and all the security guys are piled up dead everywhere. Nero is not very convincing doing ninja moves on screen, but off screen — perfect. Good job, White Ninja.
It may be disrespectful for me to call this guy White Ninja (his name is actually Cole.) But Venarius knows his name too, and he just calls him “Ninja.” At least I specify which ninja I’m talking about. Later there are smoke bombs, the Right Hand Man gets an arrow through his right hand, and then White Ninja fights Hasegawa and wins way too easy.
The last scene is pretty funny. Nero (back in his civilian persona) is talking to somebody about what he’ll do next, and he implies that he might be doing some more ninja murders. Then he looks at the camera and actually winks, and it freezes. You always gotta appreciate a Wink and Freeze Ending, but this one’s especially funny since there is a whole series of NINJA movies, but Nero isn’t in the other ones. Sho Kosugi is.
Enter the Ninja is no Enter the Dragon, and not a very good showcase for Sho Kosugi. He seems good but they don’t show enough to make a proper judgment of his level of badassness. Still, it’s a good time, I recommend it.
I believe Donald Drunko was the name of the wiseguy talkback newsie who kept bugging Harry and Moriarty to review the Gymkata DVD, and then roped me into it. If so this is for you, Drunko. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to perform this important service. Number one, I am a positive individual so I try to give back to the community. Number two, I always meant to see this horse shit anyway.
Gymkata is the 1985 picture by Mr. Robert Clouse, director of Enter the Dragon, Black Belt Jones, China O’Brien and various other American martial arts pictures. Unfortunately he must’ve hit upon some hard times during the Reagan years because here he is rehashing Enter the Dragon but instead of finding a cool new martial artist to star in it, he got a gymnast. Kurt Thomas was a world champion and was expected to win a gold medal in the 1980 Olympics, but the US team boycotted over the Russian invasion of Afghanistan. If he had gone maybe he would’ve won, but maybe he wouldn’t have and people woulda been disappointed, the shine woulda been gone on him and nobody would’ve wanted to make Gymkata. What I’m saying is this movie and Osama bin Laden are both unintended consequences of the same conflict. And I can say objectively that the better of the two is Gymkata. Gymkata is better than Osama bin Laden.
Now, a lot of you may not know this about me but I have a little inside knowledge of this material because I was involved in competitive men’s gymnastics, qualifying for three regional competitions and placing in two between 1977-1982. Because of this background, my experience viewing Gymkata may be a little different from— nah, just fucking with you, actually I forgot there even was such a sport as men’s gymnastics so bear with me if I make any incorrect statements.
Based on the novel “The Terrible Game”3 by Dan Tyler Moore, Gymkata is the timeless tale of, well, Enter the Dragon but with all the good elements replaced by bullshit. It starts out intercutting the dude spinning on bars with some guys riding horses (what is this, an Ed Wood movie?) but then becomes Enter the Dragon, with some prissy government bureaucrat guy recruiting Kurt to go to some backwards fictional country in Eastern Europe called Parmistan and compete in a deadly tournament. But instead of Bruce Lee you get fucking Kurt Thomas. Instead of the most iconic martial arts scenes ever put on film, you get some asshole spinning around on a bar pretending to kick a dude. Instead of a martial arts tournament you get an obstacle course race (in the movie they call it “The Game,” but in modern society we call it “Real World/Road Rules Challenge.”) Instead of a great villain like the metal-clawed Han, you get the Clouse regular Richard Norton, who just looks like any other bearded white karate dude from the ’80s except he has a little braid on the back. And a dangly earring. Instead of cool henchmen like Bolo Yeung and Sammo Hung, you just get some dipshits in executioner masks that are supposed to be ninjas because they shoot arrows every once in a while.
A lot of people forget this, but Enter the Dragon has a good supporting cast too. Bruce is obviously the main show, but Jim Kelly is in there and he gets some good lines. And you even got John Saxon. This one has a bunch of nobodies that get one line before they get impaled, fall off a cliff or are found dead without you even getting to see it. So there’s nobody to carry the gymnast. He’s gotta stand on his own two feet and that’s something the guy just can’t do. Maybe the most telling moment is when the race begins and he is immediately in last place and running like a girl. After about twenty feet he falls down for no reason, and a big dude named Thorg (Bob Schott, another Clouse regular) notices so he turns around and kicks him in the face.
Let me repeat that. The so called martial arts hero of this movie is such a fucking sissy that he can’t run twenty feet without collapsing to the ground and getting kicked in the face. And this isn’t at the beginning before he toughens up, this is the start of the climactic race. Maybe they shoulda got Mary Lou Retton to star in this thing. This is what we get in a permissive society that allows The Karate Kid to become a major cultural milestone. That’s why even though Enter the Dragon, Black Belt Jones and The Big Brawl all had funky as hell theme songs, this one doesn’t. The score is fine (especially considering the era we’re dealing with) but it has no funk. Because it stars Kurt Thomas. It doesn’t deserve funk.
See, gymnastics are obviously a good skill, all the great martial artists do flips and shit. But the thing is this guy can only do the flips. The kicks and the punches are not so convincing. Worse, he just looks like a complete dipshit. There is nothing tough about this guy at all. And that’s why America loves it.
Okay, I had to criticize this movie for being such a low point for Robert Clouse, but I can completely understand why some of you people love this movie. I’m not sure it’s up there with Roadhouse or On Deadly Ground in laughs or admirable sincerity, but this is definitely a funny straight-faced action movie. I mean, at one point Kurt Thomas gets chased down an alley and finds a bar perfect to jump up on and spin around. At another point he is surrounded by a crowd of criminally insane cannibals, but happens to be sitting on a stone something or other with handles just like a pommel horse, so he starts gymnasticking everybody in the face. This is good shit.
There’s also some good lines. Like the guy who says, “Well, there’s just a little anti-American sentiment running around. But I think—AARGH!” as he is suddenly hit with an arrow. Or Kurt’s secret agent dad, who turns out to actually be alive, hugs him and says, “It’s great to see you! You’ll never know how—AAH! AHH!” as he too is suddenly hit with an arrow.
Also, I counted at least five parts where somebody is thrown off something tall and does a funny dubbed scream.
Most of the non-gymnastics action scenes aren’t as funny. But there’s a pretty entertaining section where the race goes through “the village of the crazies,” where Parmistan sends their criminally insane. These guys just stand around laughing and making bird sounds and they attempt to mutilate any outsiders. I’m not clear whether this is what they do 24-7 all year round or if they just pull out all the stops once a year when The Game comes to town. But this is crazy town so some crazy shit goes down here. A guy in a monk’s robe gestures to come through a door, and Kurt (who, by the way, is a complete idiot) is about to follow. Then the guy turns to open the door and we see that the back of the robe is cut open to reveal his bare ass. Which means he’s crazy.
These crazies have some good ideas though. They send vicious dogs after Kurt, which would make the Olympics more entertaining, but they don’t listen to the crazies, they’re stuck in their boring old ways. Kurt also gets chased through a pig pen and has to climb over pigs, but as far as I can tell they are just regular pigs and not crazy pigs that have been cast out. As Kurt climbs out a window he looks down and sees the crazies about to stab Thorg with pitchforks. Kurt has this look on his face like he knows he has to intervene, this guy tried to kill him but it is only right to save his life, and then maybe all will be forgiven and they’ll work together to survive this deadly challenge. But that’s not what he does, he just watches as they kill Thorg. Remember, this is Kurt Thomas we’re dealing with, he’s not gonna be able to save somebody unless doing a flip or spinning on a pole is what can save them. Even then, he might boycott.
The part I really don’t get is the weird guy with the blank expression standing up against the wall. After a while he turns around and you realize the weird face you’ve been staring at is made out of rubber and attached to the back of this guy’s head. But I don’t think it’s supposed to be a mask, I think he has two faces, like Barbra Streisand’s mirror. So they send people with birth defects to the village of the crazies too? This is very strange for this type of movie, I gotta commend it. However, having just watched El Topo again recently I’m thinking they could’ve gone even further. Maybe a dude covered in bees jerking off or something, I don’t know.
In the end of course Kurt wins The Game, and some text on the screen tells us that the government got their way and was able to use Parmistan to launch a “Star Wars” defense satellite. In Enter the Dragon they’re actually accomplishing something, stopping Han from murdering women. In Gymkata they just want to send up an SDI satellite. Of course, now it’s twenty-two years and billions of dollars later and we know that “Star Wars” is a scam — it still can’t tell the difference between a missile and a balloon that got away from a birthday party, even on a clear day, and how’s it gonna shoot down a boxcutter or a suitcase bomb? So in retrospect we can see the cruel irony of The Game. All those lives, all those arrows, for what? To pad some pockets and send up a useless satellite. Unless maybe they use that satellite for cable TV now. Who knows. Maybe they died so we could watch Crank Yankers and shit.
Gymkata was released on DVD as the result of an annual Warner Brothers promotion where amazon.com allows people to vote for the release of movies from a group of WB catalog titles. I know there were multiple online Gymkata get out the vote campaigns, but don’t get too excited. It was one of twelve movies they chose, it didn’t exactly win the gold medal. It did beat out a pretty good movie called Carny, starring Robbie Robertson from The Band.
Knowing the fan response, WB pulled out all the stops for this DVD, including interactive menus, scene selections, the whole works. On the chapter index your selection is signified by a little ninja star, which is nice since there are no ninja stars in the movie but there obviously should’ve been. Other extras include an FBI warning, the original trailer, which has some really funny narration, and a trailer for Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning, with a new Daisy Duke that looks more like Catherine Bach. (“The Duke boys are back — for their first adventure.” Whuh?)
One thing they definitely did right, they used goofy vintage artwork from the original release instead of doing some new photo collage that would hide what the movie actually was. I don’t know why they don’t do that more often — it’s easier for them to do, it looks way better, and it’s more honest. I also appreciate that they included an English subtitle track. Some of the Seagal movies lately they haven’t bothered, and I can’t always tell what everybody is mumbling about.
The original 1.85:1 aspect ratio is sumptuously transferred, looking better than Gymkata has ever looked (probably, I don’t know) and also better than No Retreat, No Surrender has ever looked.
Anyway, thanks Drunko or whoever it was.
In 2006, China’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television shocked the world by issuing a ban on programming featuring live action actors beside animated characters. At first glance it seems like a bizarre new form of prudishness in a country already doing a good job of confusing the rest of the world (for example they reportedly banned the movie Babe for featuring talking animals).4 But what if they have a point? What if the continued blurring of the line between live action and animation goes against God and nature? I don’t think they address that in the Bible, but it’s in the movie Cool World for what that’s worth.
Look man, I’m very liberal, especially in social matters. But I gotta admit I’m pretty closed-minded towards this cartoon-loving. In Japan they got a whole industry of pornographic cartoons, and I’m not sure I understand how live action dudes get off on that, but I guess they must. Maybe I’m just old fashioned but I think a live action person should fall in love with another live action person. None of this frame-by-frame stuff. Gives me the heebie jeebies. Walt made Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse, not Mickey Mouse and Minnie Driver.
But I don’t know, maybe I’m mellowing out in my old age. I recently saw a Muppets special where Miss Piggy was treating Kermit like shit, as usual. No surprise. But then Uma Thurman, playing an airline employee, was openly flirting with Kermie. And he either didn’t pick up the signals or just ignored them, because he’s loyal to Piggy. But he’s out there trying to help some poor kids while Piggy is in town clothes shopping for herself, occasionally taking breaks to nag him on the phone. Kermit clearly needs to leave that bitch, she’s no good and she doesn’t deserve him one bit. I was so disappointed in him for not saying “fuck it” and leaving with Uma. I know that’s puppets and not cartoons but I think it’s similar. Maybe this old dog can learn some new tricks of acceptance.
I never really realized this was an issue for me until I was going through my old reviews and noticed that this theme just kept popping up. In this chapter you’ll see me struggling with the topic from many angles including the morality of live action/animated couples, the unnatural biology of a society of animated cars, and the hideous abominations that come about when computers try to create real people or give a cartoon cat real fur. But then to show that I’m not a complete zealot I’ll end with two reviews where it’s pretty obvious I’m sweet on some ladies who clearly have some cartoon ancestry in there somewhere.
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