Comic Tales from the Best Authors E-Book

Various

• Herausgeber: DigiCat
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

In "Comic Tales from the Best Authors," a curated anthology, various eminent writers come together to explore the nuances of humor through cleverly woven tales. The collection showcases a rich tapestry of comedic voices ranging from classic to contemporary literature, offering an engaging survey of comedic styles. Featuring works imbued with wit, irony, and satire, the anthology reflects important literary movements from the Enlightenment to the modern era, encapsulating the evolution of comedic storytelling within historical and cultural contexts. The diverse contributors include literary icons such as Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, whose distinctive styles have laid the groundwork for comedic narrative. Their backgrounds, shaped by the societal norms and challenges of their times, deeply influenced their approach to humor. By addressing themes of social critique and the absurdities of human nature, these authors provide insightful commentary while entertaining readers, making their contributions eternally relevant. This anthology is highly recommended for scholars, students, and casual readers alike who wish to appreciate the depth and variety of humor in literature. "Comic Tales from the Best Authors" not only serves as a delightful collection but also invites readers to rediscover the power of laughter as a reflection of humanity.

Leseprobe

various

Comic Tales from the Best Authors

 

EAN 8596547187905

DigiCat, 2022 Contact: [email protected]

Table of Contents

SELECT

COMIC TALES.

JOHN AUDLEY.

THE SAILOR.

THE DEAN OF BADAJOZ.

THE SLIPPERS.

THREE DEXTEROUS THIEVES.

NICOLAS PEDROSA.

LITTLE DOMINICK.

PERVONTE, or the WISHES .

THE VIZIER'S DAUGHTER.

LITTLE HUNCH-BACK.

THE HORNED COCK.

THE HAUNTED CELLAR.

SELECT

Table of Contents

COMIC TALES.

Table of Contents

JOHN AUDLEY.

Table of Contents

John Audley was a good simple soul, a parish-clerk and a cobler, and lived at Eccleston in Lancashire; where he had many years exercised these respectable functions, entirely to his own satisfaction, and, generally speaking, to the content of the good folks of the village. His talents were held in much estimation by the lads and lasses in the neighbourhood; he had assisted at most of the christenings, mended their shoes, cut their valentines, pronounced Amen, and sung Arthur O'Bradley at their weddings; and was famous for having himself, three several times in his life, seen the Shrieking Woman, and the apparition of the Murdered Tinker. He also told more stories of ghosts and hobgoblins than any person in Eccleston, Dame Dickinson the midwife alone excepted.

John Audley's customers, like the houses of the parish where he lived, lay scattered. He had been, on a winter evening, to carry home a pair of mended shoes to farmer Down's; and was returning, by moon-light, half petrified with fear, and endeavouring to whistle away from remembrance the story of the Tall Woman in White, and her Headless Horse; when suddenly a four-footed creature brushed by him, and a voice thundered through his ears—'Hey, Firetail! Firetail—Ah, sirrah! here, devil, here!'—'Lord have mercy upon me!' said John Audley, and again the thing passed him, swift as dust blown by a whirlwind. John's legs were exceedingly willing to run, but wanted the power, and therefore stopped. His eyes were fixed upon two animals that he saw approaching; they appeared of a frightful magnitude and figure: one of them walked upright, and the other on all-fours; both had heads as rough as a Russian bear, and both grew bigger and bigger as they drew near.

'In the name of the Father, Son, and—' 'Bow, wow!' replied Firetail, cutting short John Audley's invocation,—'Ah, rascal! keep close, devil!' said the upright apparition; and Firetail growled and retreated. 'Lord have mercy upon me!' again said John Audley, who imagined the devil was only restrained for a moment, that he might return with greater fury. 'How now, friend!' said Firetail's master, 'What, are you at prayers in this place? What do you do down upon your marrow-bones?'—'I charge you, in the name of God,' answered John, 'tell me, be you a Christian, a ghost, or a devil?'—'Neither.'—'Wh-wh-what are you, then?'—, A merry fellow, a traveller, and, moreover, a story-teller.'—'And is not that an evil spirit by your side?'—'An evil spirit!—What, Firetail?—A bottle-conjurer!'—'Lord preserve me!'—'A calf's head and cabbage. Lie down, sirrah! Be quiet, dog's face!—You would find him an evil spirit if I were to let him loose upon you, perhaps.'—'I pray you, don't!—I pray you, don't!—My name's John Audley—I am a poor harmless man, and a parish-clerk, and mortally afraid of evil spirits.'

John Audley, by the arguments of the stranger, was half inclined, after a deal of persuasion, to believe him real flesh and blood; that Firetail was a rough Newfoundland dog; and that the hairy head of his master was a shaggy goat-skin cap, made in a whimsical form; so that the eyes (that is, eyes of glass) face, and horns, were preserved. Such an apparition, at such a time, and in such a place, might have startled a stouter man than John Audley: but though he began to suspect him not to be actually the devil, he remained firmly persuaded he must be a conjuror at least; and this opinion was confirmed, both by his head-dress, which exactly tallied with John's ideas of a conjuror, and his sudden supernatural appearance; as supernatural indeed it was to him, whose fear had swallowed up his senses.

'And pray, Sir,' said John Audley, as they were jogging on together, 'What may your name be?'—'Andrew Errant.'—'And where be you going to-night?'—As far as your house, friend; where, with your leave, I intend to sup and sleep.'—John Audley's pulse again began to quicken; he was afraid to say yes, but still more afraid to say no; he would have told a lie, and said he had neither meat nor bed, had he not thought the conjuror knew to the contrary, and would take some desperate revenge: at last he stammered out, 'Yo-you-your worship shall be very welcome.'

Mr Errant was a very communicative person; and, as they walked along, informed his companion, that he was of a merry, happy temper, loved rambling, hated employment, and was blessed with a quick imagination, and a good memory, by means of which he contrived to live; in short, that he was, by trade, a story-teller; a trade formerly in great request, but now grown obsolete, he being the only one who at present lived by it professionally; not one word of all which John Audley believed. Mr Errant added, that whether it was for the want of rivals, or his own excellence, he could not absolutely determine; but that he had been very successful in his attempts, and that he never visited a family a second time who were not very glad to see him, and who did not make a little feast to entertain him whenever he called. John Audley understood by this, that the conjuror loved good eating and drinking; and for once he was not mistaken.

Mr Errant continued giving farther traits of his talents and character; such as, that he had a large assortment of stories, humorous, marvellous, terrible, and tender; that he always studied the temper and dispositions of his hearers before he began; and that the faculty he had of suiting his history to his host, was, as he believed, the principal cause of his success. 'You, now, honest John Audley,' said he, 'I am sure, are very attentive to any tale of a ghost; and so, I warrant, is your good wife.' John Audley blessed himself, 'How well he knows my name! (He had forgot that he himself had told it.) He knows I have a wife too, and knows—he knows every thing!' Such were John's silent cogitations, when they arrived at his cottage.

John Audley's dwelling was snug, well thatched, and warm; the inside was decorated with shelves, on which the white and well-scoured wooden dishes and trenchers were placed in rows: beneath which were pasted King Charles's Golden Rules, Death and the Lady, with various miraculous histories of angels that appeared in white robes to ministers of the gospel, and devils that carried away perjured lovers, Sabbath-breakers, and blasphemers, in flashes of fire, to the astonishment and terror of all beholders.

John Audley opened his door, winked to his wife Dorothy with significant terror, and told her he had brought home a very honest gentleman, to give him a bed for the night, and a bit of such meat as she had in the house. Dorothy, who was not in the habit of paying implicit obedience to her husband's mandates, was going to put in a caveat; and John, who knew by her physiognomy she would not be nice in her choice of words, sidled up to her and whispered in her ear—'Hold thy foolish tongue; do not be curst'—-'tis a conjuror!'—Dorothy had almost as great respect for, or rather fear of, conjurors, as John Audley himself; her countenance changed, she dropt a curtsey, placed a stool, cast a look at the cap and the dog, trembled, and desired the gentleman would sit down, and drew her countenance into a demure form.

'Thou hadst better kill the young cock, and boil him with a bit of bacon,' said John. 'I will,' replied Dorothy! and went about it, though it grieved her to the heart—she could have sold him for ninepence at Prescot market.

She presently returned with the victim in her hand; telling John Audley, as she entered, with an expressive look and emphasis, that she had not the least difficulty in catching him, but that, on the contrary, he had flown into her arms.

Although the talkative and frank disposition of Mr Errant was some relief to the awakened fears of John and Dorothy, it could not make them totally subside; and as fear is nearly related to cunning, it inspired John with a thought, which he imagined would act like a charm in his favour, supposing the conjuror should be inclined to be mischievous, from the nature of such animals, which he believed to be exceedingly probable. This was no other, than to reach down the bible, and sit upon it; which John Audley effected with great slyness and dexterity. We have before remarked, that John was of the Gentle Craft; and it is here necessary to observe, that there was a ball of shoemaker's wax, which by accident had been laid upon the bible, over which, being near the fire, it had spread; and this, in his anxiety to cheat the devil, or (which is much the same) the conjuror, John Audley had never noticed, but placed it under next his breech, which being thus in contact with the bible, he hoped might secure his body against the power of magic.

Mr Errant, whose profession in some measure implied a ready wit, and a certain knowledge of the heart, observed the working of that powerful sorceress Fancy upon the spirits of John and Dorothy, determined to convert it to his own amusement. 'I will tell you the story of the Bleeding Finger, good folks,' said he; 'it is very strange, and very true: it will divert us while the pot is boiling, and I dare say you will like to hear it.'

The Story of the Bleeding Finger.

'There lived a magician in days of old, who had power over the winds and waves; whose word could command the demons of the deep, and the spirits of the air durst not disobey his will. This magician was held to be a sociable, merry, good sort of person when pleased, considering he was a magician; for, you must understand, conjurors, wizards, necromancers, and magicians, are very tetchy and revengeful, and never fail to send their imps and goblins, to torment such as affront or use them disrespectfully.

'The name of this magician was Tomogorod, which signifies Eat-him-up; and he had a daughter, called Holakaree, that is to say, Blood-sucker, who was an enchantress. Whenever either of them went abroad, they had at least one spirit to attend them, who was sometimes disguised in the form of a bear, at others in a monkey or cat, and sometimes in the likeness of a huge mastiff; mostly, for expedition's sake, they travelled through the air, and then they were usually drawn by four flaming torches, followed by fiends in the shape of tadpoles, who were so numerous, that their swarms darkened the air.

'Tomogorod,' as I have said, 'was not much inclined to mischief, unless provoked; but woe be to any one that affronted him! If he asked a clownish fellow where he was going, and the lout returned a saucy answer, he would fix him astride upon the next stile without the power of moving, or turn him into a pitchfork, and give him his own shape again when any body had stuck him up to the hilts in a dunghill. His name denoted him to be a lover of good living, and he always behaved civilly to such as gave him the best they had to eat.

'Holakaree, his daughter, who was of an ambitious temper, had the wickedness to fall in love with the king's son, a youth of three and twenty, of a sweet disposition, and the most charming person in the world. His name was Dulimond, which means Dimple-face, and he was the sole heir to the crown. It happened one day, while he was hunting, that he saw the most beautiful blue hare run by him that eyes had ever beheld, and he was so charmed with the appearance of that strange animal, that he could not forbear leaving his other sport to follow this new game. He presently lost sight of his courtiers and attendants; who, as people often are, were more intent upon their diversion than their duty.

'He followed the animal for more than half an hour; and being mounted upon a swift Arabian courser, seemed every instant to be within a hair's-breadth of catching her; when presently his eye was attracted, by the descent of an eagle, that darted upon the hare, and rose with an incredible swiftness, till they were both lost in the clouds. While the prince stood gazing, and looking after the eagle and her prey, which still remained like a speck upon his sight, the sky began to lower, the heavens darkened, and the distant thunders rolled. The prince looked round, but saw neither place of refuge nor human being. The storm increased; the elements, with dreadful bursts, seemed to crack and split over his very head; and the fires of the firmament darted their forked and penetrating essence into the torn bosom of the earth. But what astonished him most was, that though the waters appeared to stream from the heavens on every side of him, not a hair of his head, nor a thread of his garments, were wet. The heart of Dulimond was as the heart of a lion; he was awed, but not dismayed.

'While his eyes were endeavouring to trace the uncertain path of the life-snatching lightning, and his ears filled with the terrific tumults of the sky, he beheld, not far above him, a bright cloud, that seemed in the centre to be a lambent flame, and whence issued a voice loud and impulsive, but sweet as music in dreams, which pronounced distinctly the following words:

"Beware of her with a Golden Thumb.Follow the Bleeding Finger.Plunge, fearless, into the Lake of Bitterness,to recover the white wand of Orophalis.Plunge, fearless, into the Lake of Bitterness,and obedient; or you perish."

'The voice ceased, and the rain, and the thunder, and the lightning, were no more; the sun was resplendent, the forest had vanished, and the scene was changed. Vallies of a thousand different reviving shades of green were seen on every side; aromatic shrubs, flowers, and various trees, were scattered round, and distant lakes, and more distant mountains, were in view.

'The prince, filled with wonder at all these strange accidents, was sunk deep in reflection; insomuch, that his eyes were fixed, and his soul absorbed by the cogitations of his mind; when he was awakened from his trance by the voice of a lady, who sweetly and courteously demanded, if he could direct her to the palace of the Seven Dragons. Dulimond started, looked up, and was again fixed in astonishment. Never before had he beheld such perfections, such grace, such features! Seated upon a milk-white courser, with hair that descended in waving ringlets upon her horse's back, and a face more beauteous than the face of Nature at the sun's rising, this lady looked like a spirit of heaven, and not an inhabitant of the earth. She was obliged to repeat her question; and the prince, respectfully bowing, answered, he never before had heard of such a palace. The lady gracefully inclined her head in token of thanks, and passed swiftly forward; while the prince, ravished with the angelic apparition, gave his steed the rein, kept within sight of her, and forgot the scenes that had so lately happened.

'They rode that way for more than an hour, at a hard rate, when they came to a vast forest. The prince, who had a piercing eye, beheld an inscription as he was riding by the side of the forest; and stopping a moment in hopes of learning some intelligence, whereby he might oblige the lady, he read—

"This leads to the Palace of the Seven Dragons."

'The prince immediately put spurs to his horse; and, gently calling after the lady, beckoned her to return. She, who seemed to have slackened her pace when Dulimond stopped, presently heard, and obeyed. As she approached the prince, she thanked him with the most winning words and action; whilst he, ravished with her charms and condescension, prayed to be admitted to escort her to the palace. The lady again gave a courteous reply, and they entered the forest together. They had not proceeded far, before they lost all sight of the surrounding country, and were buried in a gloom so thick, that light could scarcely penetrate. As they rode on, strange noises saluted their ears; sometimes, as it were, the faint groanings of the dying; at others, the fierce howlings of wild beasts in torture; and then again like the whizzing of sky-rockets, accompanied with loud, confused, and innumerable shrieks and screams, as though the spirits of the air were battling till the very elements were tormented. Visions, as strange as the sounds they heard, likewise molested their journey: at one instant, a head without a body would seem to dance backward before them, sometimes with ghastly looks, and sometimes with grimaces, mewing at them; at another, serpents, the bodies of which were black, their eyes flaming, and their tales triply divided, with a sting at the end of each, seemed to threaten the travellers: but, what was more remarkable, an urchin, that lay in the path at the entrance of the forest, became a ball of fire, and rolled itself along before them, as if to direct them in the rout they should pursue.

'Dulimond was not more astonished at these things than at the behaviour of the lady; who continued her way undismayed, and almost without noticing such strange events, notwithstanding that the demons (for the forest was enchanted) became more dreadfully terrible in their howls and shrieks, and unnatural shapes, the farther they proceeded. However, if a lady had the courage to go on, it was not for Dulimond to recede! It almost appeared unmanly to draw his sabre; but from doing this it was scarcely possible to refrain, so fearfully were they beset. Nor could the dangers to which they were exposed hinder the prince from thinking on his most beautiful companion with rapture. Her demeanour, her form, her wit, and her fortitude, made him consider her as a miracle; and he found his affections so totally enslaved, as to be absolutely irretrievable. How could he forbear to admire, when he heard her only utter some short exclamation at the moment that the fiends were most horrible and insolent, and when he saw her turn and smile with ineffable sweetness upon him, as it were to wish him not to fear or suffer on her account? This he esteemed a noble generosity of soul; and he could not but adore her who was capable of such heroic exertion.

'They came at length to the other side of the forest; and the urchin of fire that accompanied them bounded from the earth, and gambolled in the air with a thousand antic motions. Instead, however, of an open country, they beheld a black rock, the front of which extended farther than sight, and its summit lay beyond the clouds. As they approached it, they read in huge and transparent characters,

"This is the entrance to the Palace of the Seven Dragons."

"How," cried Dulimond, "this the entrance! Here is no entrance; this is a vast and solid rock: a rock of marble; and all the powers of nature cannot enter here!"

'The lady smiled, alighted nimbly from her horse, approached the place of the inscription, and stretched forth her arm. She laid her thumb, her Golden Thumb, upon the marble, when instantaneous thunder rolled, and the massy front of the rock opened.

'Imagine what was the astonishment of Dulimond, and what his grief, when he beheld this miracle performed by the Lady with the Golden Thumb! His heart sunk in his bosom, and his arm fell nerveless by his side. Yet this was no time for despondency; danger was before him, behind him, and on every side of him; and the crisis of his fate drew on.

'The chasm of the rock had remained open some minutes, the prince stood plunged in sorrowful suspense, and the lady seemed attending on his coming. A voice proclaimed—

"Let not such as would enter the Palace of the Seven Dragons linger, for the Rock of Sculls is about to close."

'At the same moment, Dulimond beheld a naked arm, with the fore-finger slowly dropping blood, and pointing the way to the palace of the Seven Dragons. The vision, though horrible, gave him pleasure; his heart was with the lady; and he rejoiced that his duty furnished him with an excuse to follow his inclinations.

'The prince had but just time to make the passage of the rock before it shut; and had he been a moment later, it would have closed upon him; which accident having happened to many, it was called the Rock of Sculls. They proceeded onward till they came to a bridge, where lay the Seven Dragons, whence the palace derived it's name. At their approach, all these horrible monsters lashed their prodigious tails, opened their destructive jaws (set all over with teeth like harrows), and projected their long and forked tongues; and, with an insatiate fury, were flying upon Dulimond. Mortal resistance to such enemies seemed vain, and death inevitable; when, at the very instant they were about to seize on the prince, the lady held forth the Golden Thumb, and they dropped senseless to the earth in a profound sleep.