Narcissism For Dummies E-Book

Laura L. Smith

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Bildung
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Seitenzahl: 546

Beschreibung

Recognize narcissists in your life and set healthy boundaries to start healing today Narcissism For Dummies pulls back the curtain on a growing and misunderstood personality. This book digs into dimensions of narcissism, grandiosity, malignancy, and vulnerability, giving you the knowledge and perspective you need to identify narcissists in your life and set limits on unacceptable behavior. It also takes a look at how society plays a part in fostering narcissism, for example through social media. You'll walk away from Narcissism For Dummies with a clearer sense of the personality trait, as well as necessary coping mechanisms and tools to deal with the narcissists in your life. * Deal with narcissistic parents, bosses, coworkers, relatives, romantic partners, and beyond * Discover tactics and exercises for identifying, disarming, and protecting yourself from narcissists * Set limits, establish healthy boundaries, and rebuild your self-confidence * Understand narcissistic personality in all its manifestations Anyone whose life has been touched by narcissism will find this book helpful, whether you're coming to terms with a loved one's diagnosis, dealing with a narcissist in the workplace, or working to move forward after leaving a narcissistic relationship.

Leseprobe

Narcissism For Dummies®

Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030-5774, www.wiley.com

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Narcissism For Dummies®

To view this book's Cheat Sheet, simply go to www.dummies.com and search for “Narcissism For Dummies Cheat Sheet” in the Search box.

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Introduction

About This Book

Foolish Assumptions

Icons Used in This Book

Beyond the Book

Where to Go from Here

Part 1: Reflecting on Narcissism

Chapter 1: Narcissism: The Big Picture

What’s So Grand About Narcissism?

Counting the Costs of Narcissism

Dealing with a Narcissist: The Basics

Getting Help: Considering Treatment Options

Chapter 2: Taking a Closer Look at Narcissism

Recognizing Narcissistic Traits and Patterns

Examining the Four Types of Narcissism

Taking Traits and Patterns to the Next Level

Chapter 3: Better Together? Considering Collective Narcissism

In-Groups and Out-Groups: The Benefits of Belonging

Understanding the Appeal: Narcissism and Groups

Evaluating whether a Group is Collectively Narcissistic

Concerning Outcomes of Collective Narcissism

Identifying Ways to Decrease Narcissism in Groups

Chapter 4: Tracing the Roots of Narcissism to Parenting

Growing a Narcissist

Adding Fertilizer to the Narcissism Seed: Other Contributing Factors

Fending Off Narcissism: Arming Your Child with Healthy Self-Esteem

Are You Raising a Narcissist? An Eye-Opening Quiz

Part 2: Interacting with Narcissists

Chapter 5: Dealing with Narcissistic Partners

Charming, Charismatic, and Considerate: What’s Not to Like?

Entitled and Egotistical: So Much for the Honeymoon Phase!

The Debris of Emotional Abuse: Longing for Intimacy and Coming Up Short

Coping Skills: Keeping Your Sanity while Dealing with a Narcissistic Partner

Chapter 6: The Effects of Narcissistic Parenting

Taking a Look at Attachment Styles

Considering How Narcissistic Parents Approach Their Child’s Life Stages

Focusing on Narcissistic Mothers

Considering Narcissistic Fathers

Viewing Possible Outcomes of a Narcissistic Upbringing

Coping with the Fallout from Narcissistic Parents

Chapter 7: Close Encounters with Narcissists

Having to “Live with” Narcissistic Neighbors

Figuring Out Your Friend Is a Narcissist

Working Alongside a Narcissist

Reporting to a Narcissistic Boss

Chapter 8: Exploring Vulnerabilities: Who Attracts a Narcissist

Adult Children of Narcissists Make Easy Targets

Adults Battling Low Self-Esteem

Identifying Other Vulnerable People

Healthy People Get Sucked In Too

Chapter 9: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse: A Tool Kit

Giving Your Concern a Name: Cognitive Dissonance

Recognizing Abuse in Your Relationship

Establishing a New Support Network

Strengthening Your Defenses: Don’t Fall for a Hoovering Narcissist

Regaining Control: Eliminating or Limiting Contact

Giving Yourself Time to Refocus

Getting Hooked Again: Surviving a Relationship Relapse

Moving Forward: Taking Better Care of Yourself

Part 3: Recognizing Narcissists’ Emotions and Behaviors

Chapter 10: Exploring the Nuances of Self-Esteem and Narcissism

Focusing on Values: Self-Esteem Basics

Connecting Narcissism and Self-Esteem

Chapter 11: Assessing Narcissistic Aggression

Threatened Egos: When Narcissists Get Aggressive

Identifying Forms of Narcissistic Aggression

Malignant Narcissists Know No Limits

Coping with Narcissistic Aggression

Chapter 12: Feeling Entitled to Everything

Exploring Narcissistic Entitlement

Seeking Status: Why Narcissists Feel They Deserve the Latest and Greatest

The Charitable Narcissist: Doing Good Only to Gain Recognition

Handling Entitlement in a Relationship: Setting Firm Boundaries

Chapter 13: The Struggling Narcissist: Coping with Co-Occurring Disorders

Looking at Histrionic and Antisocial Personality Disorders and More

Considering How Other Mental Health Disorders May Relate to Narcissism

Suicide and Narcissism

Narcissists, Self-Absorption, and Emotional Disorders

Chapter 14: Success Is in the Eye of the (Narcissistic) Beholder

Enjoying Short-Term Success as Business Leaders and Entrepreneurs

Looking to Win: Narcissists as Politicians and Dictators

Basking in the Public Eye: Celebrities

Like Moths to a Flame: Narcissists and Social Media Fame

Interacting with the Successful Narcissist

Part 4: How Culture Cultivates Narcissism

Chapter 15: Staying Connected but Alone: Narcissism and the Social Media Effect

Considering Social Media Consumption

Why Social Media Appeals to Narcissists

Social Media’s Impact on Youth and Young Adults

Chapter 16: Everyone Is Just So Special: How Culture Fans the Narcissist’s Flame

Rewarding One and All: Downsides to the Self-Esteem Movement

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: Obsessing about Appearance

Chapter 17: Incivility and Narcissism: A Growing Concern

Civility in a Nutshell

Investigating Narcissistic Incivility

Exploring Why Incivility Is on the Rise

A Two-Way Street: The Role of Reciprocity

Part 5: Treating Narcissism

Chapter 18: Seeking Help

Trouble in Paradise: Why Narcissists May Agree to Therapy

Preparing for Pushback: Common Responses to Therapy

Giving Therapy a Chance

Chapter 19: Taking the Psychodynamic Approach to Treating Narcissism

Exploring Important Concepts Related to Psychodynamic Therapy

Gaining Awareness with Transference- Focused Psychotherapy

Chapter 20: Changing Thoughts and Behaviors with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Taking a Collaborative Approach: The CBT Client/Therapist Partnership

Using CBT to Change Problematic Behaviors

Addressing Dysfunctional Thinking with CBT

Tracking Your Loved One’s Progress

Chapter 21: Coping Skills for Narcissists: Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Tolerating Distress

Practicing Mindfulness

Emotional Regulation: How it Works

Improving Interpersonal Skills with DBT

Part 6: The Part of Tens

Chapter 22: Ten Quick Ways to Diffuse Narcissistic Behavior

Don’t Let Your Ego Get in the Way

Excuse Yourself and Walk Away

Appeal to Their Uniqueness

Puff Up Their Superiority

Appear Engaged

Apologize for Small Stuff

Partially Agree

Lose the Battle but Win the War

Don’t Get Mad

Drop the Rope

Chapter 23: Ten Tips for Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

Consider Getting Professional Mental Health Support

Copy Documents and Protect Privacy

Establish Financial Independence

Make a Clean Break

Resist Being Sucked Back In

Know Setbacks Are Normal

Discard Mementos

Keep Clear of Narcissists’ Allies

Watch Out for the Narcissistic Storm

Give Yourself Time to Grieve

Index

About the Author

Advertisement Page

Connect with Dummies

End User License Agreement

List of Tables

Chapter 3

TABLE 3-1 Indications of Belonging to a Collectively Narcissistic Group

Chapter 4

TABLE 4-1 Parent Practices That Lead to Narcissistic Kids

Chapter 18

TABLE 18-1 Vincent’s Cost/Benefit Analysis of Seeking Therapy

Chapter 19

TABLE 19-1 Common Defense Mechanisms

Chapter 20

TABLE 20-1 Crystal’s Problem-Solving Options

TABLE 20-2 Crystal’s Problem-Solving Consequences

TABLE 20-3 Checking the Evidence of Landon’s Thought: “I’m a busy person; there’...

TABLE 20-4 Identifying and Replacing Distorted Narcissistic Thoughts

Chapter 21

TABLE 21-1 Taking the Opposite Path

Guide

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Table of Contents

Begin Reading

Index

About the Author

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Introduction

Ask anyone what kind of person a narcissist is, and they can quickly come up with an answer. Loud, brash, self-centered, obnoxious, superficial, entitled, and conceited are just a few descriptors that come to mind. And most people, myself included, can recall at least one or two narcissists who have played significant roles in their lives.

Narcissists generally make a lasting impression on those they come into contact with. Although they tend to be initially charming, once they catch someone in their web, the resulting emotional costs add up quickly. Partners, friends, coworkers, and family members suffer at the hands of narcissists who cheat, lie, manipulate, and sometimes become aggressive or even violent.

If everyone can pretty easily describe a narcissist and most people have met a few, why write a whole book about narcissism? The reason is that there is much more to the narcissist than the entitled exterior. For example, narcissists can be both overconfident and have very thin skins at the same time. Some of them can be surprisingly vulnerable to any kind of negative feedback. When backed into a corner, narcissists lash out, sometimes quite viciously and with surprising cruelty.

Also, narcissists can become firmly entrenched in your life, causing all sorts of hardship. If you are the child of narcissistic parents, you may have lasting emotional damage. If you get into a romantic relationship with a narcissist, your personality might change as you become embroiled in their manipulations. And if you work with a narcissist, you may be confused by their shifting allegiances and outright distortions of reality. Therefore, if you care about or have been touched by narcissistic manipulation or abuse, this book gives you ways to handle your present reality as well as changes you may need to make to establish healthy boundaries and maintain your sanity and safely.

About This Book

You may be aware that the word narcissist comes from the myth of a strikingly beautiful man who glances at a pond and falls in love with his own reflection. He is so enthralled that he cannot leave and eventually withers away and dies. This is a book that dives deeply into the pond of narcissism and gives you a close look at what lies beneath the shimmering surface.

Whether you are in a relationship with someone you suspect has narcissism or you are just curious about the topic, you’ll find all you need to know about narcissism in the following pages, including down-to-earth, practical suggestions on how to protect yourself or deal with narcissistic maltreatment.

You’ll notice a few other important things as you read this book:

For simplicity, I use the term

narcissist

to describe both people who exhibit narcissistic traits as well as those relatively fewer people officially diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which reflects an extremely high level of narcissistic characteristics.

I try to keep the language simple and direct; when I do offer new vocabulary, I italicize and define it.

Sidebars are set off by a gray background. The material contained in sidebars may or may not interest you. Feel free to skim them or even skip them altogether. On the other hand, you might find them as interesting as I do (I admit to being a bit of a geek).

If you’re reading a digital version of this book on a device connected to the internet, note that you can click the web address to visit that website, like this:

www.dummies.com

Foolish Assumptions

If you’ve picked up this book, I’m guessing you have more than a passing interest in narcissism. Most likely, you fear you may be falling victim to someone you suspect is a narcissist, and you’re looking for insight and ways to cope with this person. Or maybe you suspect you have some narcissistic traits yourself. Or possibly you’re a mental health practitioner who just wants to know more about narcissism.

Whatever your reason, you’ve come to the right place. This book gives you a clear picture of the ins and outs of narcissism. It describes how insidiously narcissism disrupts the lives of those who are involved, whether families, friends, lovers, coworkers, or acquaintances.

Icons Used in This Book

Throughout this book, you may notice symbols in the margins. These icons designate a special type of material:

This icon provides bits of insight that may have practical relevance. Be sure to read and think about them.

From time to time, you run into some material that is particularly noteworthy. You might decide to note it in your phone or put it up on your bulletin board to remind you of its importance.

Narcissists can present special challenges or dangers. The warning icon reminds you to watch out and take care.

You may or may not be interested in these in-depth tidbits of information. Read them if you want, or feel free to skip them. Some of these icons refer to specific research findings.

Beyond the Book

In addition to the abundance of information regarding narcissism that I provide in this book, you can access more material online. Go to www.dummies.com and type “Narcissism For Dummies Cheat Sheet” in the search box. The cheat sheet gives you some quick tips and take-aways that can help you identify and handle a narcissist in your life.

Where to Go from Here

You don’t have to read this book from cover to cover to get useful information. You can pick and choose what you want to find out more about. In fact, if you’d like to start at Part 6 and read those chapters first, that’s perfectly okay.

If you’re unsure where to begin, use the table of contents at the front of the book or the detailed index at the rear to find the topics that most interest you. If all else fails, start with Chapter 1, which provides an overview of narcissism and directs you to later chapters that provide more details.

Or feel free to browse. Wherever you land, happy reading!

Part 1

Reflecting on Narcissism

IN THIS PART …

Take a look at narcissism in its various forms.

Check out quick suggestions for dealing with narcissists.

Recognize what happens when groups become overly narcissistic.

Find out how narcissism develops in childhood.

Chapter 1

Narcissism: The Big Picture

IN THIS CHAPTER

Finding out about narcissists

Seeing the results of being with a narcissist

Discovering ways to handle yourself with a narcissist

Getting the support you need

As I contemplated writing this book, I thought about the narcissistic people who have crossed my path over the years. I am a clinical psychologist and have treated a variety of people with narcissistic traits and some who’ve been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD. (People with NPD have an extremely high level of narcissistic characteristics. Chapter 2 clarifies the distinction between narcissistic traits and NPD.)

I’ve also worked with partners and family members who were dealing with the trauma left by a narcissist in their lives. That trauma often caused lasting effects that impacted their functioning in many areas including work, family relations, and friendships. The destruction that a single toxic relationship delivers can be astonishing.

I also pondered the relationships that I have had with narcissists. I recalled the narcissist that I thought I fell in love with many years ago. Then there was a former narcissistic relative who wreaked havoc not only on his partner but on the extended family as well. I remember working with narcissists, some of whom were colleagues or supervisors. I had a good friend with narcissistic tendencies and neighbors who certainly could put on a narcissistic hat from time to time. In addition, there are the superficial contacts that everyone has had with narcissists, those entitled people who cut in front of the line with no regard for those patiently awaiting their turn, or the pushy salesperson who insists they alone have the perfect answer to their customers’ needs. And who could forget the obnoxious politician or the grandiose celebrity who thinks surely everyone else recognizes their specialness and superiority.

The bottom line is that most people have had multiple interactions with narcissists. Because you’re reading this book, you likely suspect someone in your life is a narcissist and would like to know more about what makes narcissists tick.

You’ve come to the right place. This book answers your questions about narcissism, from “What causes a person to become a narcissist?” to “Can narcissists change?” as well as “If I decide to end a relationship with a narcissist, how do I do it?” But first this chapter introduces narcissism and takes a general look at how these personality traits manifest in narcissistic individuals, groups, and cultures. It tallies some of the costs of narcissism for individuals, families, and society, and it provides some guidelines for dealing with narcissists. A brief introduction to treatment options is offered as well. Throughout this overview chapter you find references to later chapters in this book where these ideas are elaborated.

What’s So Grand About Narcissism?

Narcissists usually feel pretty grand about themselves. After all, they are special, superior, unique, and highly successful. Or so they think. So, for many, in their minds, there’s really nothing wrong with feeling grand about yourself. They tend to be self-centered and carefully construct realities in their minds that support their overly positive view of themselves.

In addition, narcissists are likely to be demanding, domineering, and entitled. If they don’t get their way, they get angry. They seek power and control and can be extremely manipulative. Some narcissists are highly successful at work and able to maintain superficial relationships with others who provide them the validation they crave.

Spotting a narcissist

It’s not always easy to spot a narcissist. That’s because they often come across as socially skillful, charming, and friendly. If a narcissist wants to establish a relationship with you, watch out. They may offer excessive flattery, put you up on a pedestal, and shower you with gifts. Narcissists can also seem to be good listeners and appear extremely interested in hearing all about you. However, once a narcissist succeeds in captivating you, those interactions change.

Soon the narcissist seems like they are on stage, attempting to impress everyone with their uniqueness, importance, and greatness. Over time, they become tedious in their constant attempts to show the world how special they are. They no longer show interest in your life, only their own. They become less warm and agreeable and show their hostility and arrogance. If they experience failure or threats to their overly positive, inflated self-esteem, they blame others or react with anger or even rage. (See Chapter 2 for more information about the characteristics and different types of narcissists.)

Narcissists may not always be invisible. Raters (usually college students) were asked to look at the social media pages of various people. They were able to detect narcissism by looking at pictures posted (flattering and often seductive), messages (self-congratulating and flashy), and even email addresses (self-enhancing) of narcissists compared to non-narcissists.

Considering telltale narcissistic traits

Figuring out whether someone is a narcissist should be done by a licensed mental health practitioner. However, most folks with narcissistic traits have no intention of going to see a professional. The following questionnaire does not substitute for a professional opinion; however, it can help you identify and understand some of the typical traits of narcissists.

You can take the test for yourself, or think about the possible narcissistic person you are concerned about and answer as if you were that person.

Answer true or false for each of the following questions. Be honest. Don’t worry; you don’t have to show this to anyone.

I view myself as a superior human being.

Lots of people envy me.

I am an unusually successful person.

I am a born leader.

I like to show off my good looks.

I avoid spending time with those who are socially unacceptable to me.

I don’t like associating with losers.

I enjoy having the best of everything.

I like people who tell me how great I am.

When I am the center of attention, I enjoy it.

I can manipulate just about anyone to do what I want.

People really enjoy hearing me talk.

I love what I see in the mirror.

I shouldn’t have to wait like ordinary people.

I prefer associating with other high-status people.

I am capable and great at making decisions.

If someone is in my way, I’ll push them aside.

I have achieved much more success than most people.

If there is trouble, I tend to blame others.

Someone should write a book about me.

The more answers that you endorsed as true, the more likely you have narcissistic traits. If you were taking this quiz as if you were someone else in your life, well, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Again, only a mental health professional can officially diagnose a narcissistic personality disorder.

Understanding how certain cultures foster narcissism

Cultures around the world differ in values. Although there are variations within a culture, generally Western cultures, such as the United States, are more individualistic. In other words, Western cultures emphasize success of the individual, freedom, and independence. Eastern cultures are more collective, valuing the success of the family or group over personal achievement.

How do individualistic cultures foster narcissism? What makes so many people in this culture more entitled and self-centered? I don’t want to overgeneralize. The majority of people in the United States are not narcissistic. However, the trait of narcissism is likely higher here than in many other cultures because values in this culture reflect a narcissistic bent. Here are a few examples of cultural values that support narcissism:

Believing that high-status careers are more important than less flashy but meaningful work

Accumulating possessions for the sake of appearing better than others

Obsessing about looking good and staying young

Demanding immediate gratification

Consider this example of putting all of these cultural values on display. Imagine a commercial showing a 70-year-old actress (high status), lounging around her swimming pool (possessions), praising a skin care product that erases her wrinkles (obsessing about looking good and young), virtually overnight with one application (immediate gratification). It’s pretty easy to imagine a commercial with such content. In fact, you’ve probably seen more than one or two.

Narcissistic cultures foster narcissism among individuals. What about the people who don’t have the personal or financial resources to pursue high-status careers; obtain lots of flashy possessions; or purchase cosmetics, expensive clothing, or plastic surgery to stay looking young for as long as possible? Some in this group desperately want to achieve values that look suspiciously like narcissism. If unable to do so, they live lives of desperation or lash out in anger. Perhaps some of the strife people throughout western societies are experiencing is due to unsatisfied narcissistic dreams.

On the other hand, many people simply don’t care about fame, fortune, or looking as good as clothes, makeup, cosmetics, or surgery can accomplish. For those folks, other values, such as being a good person, having a supportive social system, participating in a spiritual community, or being able to make a decent living makes their life quite satisfying.

Counting the Costs of Narcissism

When I’ve worked on books about anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I’ve easily accessed data about the societal costs and consequences of such mental health problems. I looked for information from the World Health Organization, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and various other trusted sources. In my searches, I found plenty of charts and graphs displaying estimates of lost productivity; the portion of the population suffering from anxiety, depression, or OCD; and whether the rates of those disorders were increasing, decreasing, or staying the same.

The same is not true for narcissism. There simply isn’t much information about the cost of narcissism in terms of lost wages, psychotherapy costs, or specifics on rates or rate changes over time.

There are reasons this data is so sparse and inconsistent. First, many people with narcissistic traits are never seen by a therapist or counted by a researcher. That’s because they believe that they’re special, superior, mentally healthy, and in no need of help. They’re certainly unlikely to volunteer their valuable time for a research study. If they suffer, it’s almost always viewed as someone else’s fault.

A second reason that data is lacking has to do with the fact that the definition of problematic narcissism is inconsistent and unclear. In addition, narcissists often have overlapping mental disorders such as depression or histrionic personality disorder that make a precise diagnosis difficult (see Chapter 13). Therefore, an accurate count of narcissism and its societal costs is difficult or even impossible for scientists to tabulate. (See Chapter 2 for more information about definitions of narcissism.)

Despite the lack of hard data in charts and graphs, after reading a good portion of this book, you’re very likely to be aware of who narcissists are when you encounter them and the costs to you or others. Narcissism, in its many variations, is quite common and costly in the United States and around the world.

Broken relationships

For those caught in a narcissistic web of abuse, the effects can be long-lasting. Partners of narcissists often lose a sense of who they are. They lose the confidence to handle daily life and struggle to make decisions. They suffer from bouts of anxiety and depression. They frequently feel similar to those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), needing to be hypervigilant for possible danger and attempting to suppress memories of their abusive relationship.

Partners coming out of a situation of abuse struggle to set appropriate boundaries. They feel powerless to say no when necessary and allow others to use or abuse them again. Their self-esteem litters the floor with emotional debris. They have a desperate need to be liked and commonly go overboard in a frantic attempt to please others. (See Chapter 5 for more information about relationships with narcissists.)

Fractured families

A narcissist doesn’t just affect their partner, they spread misery to other family members like a rapidly spreading cancer. One common tool of the narcissist is isolation. The narcissist attempts to control their partner by keeping them from meaningfully interacting with family members. This is especially true for family members who have the potential to give the partner of the narcissist helpful feedback about the abuse they are being subjected to. In addition, other family members usually recognize the lies, excuses, and other manipulations the narcissist uses to keep their partner in line.

Often partners of narcissists find themselves making excuses for the narcissist to other family members for rudeness, acting entitled, or deception. For example, the partner may declare that their partner is sick or too tired from work to participate in family gatherings. Relationships among family members and the victim of the narcissistic abuse can descend into a tangle of conflict and chaos.

Finally, children with one or more narcissistic parents rarely emerge unscathed. Their world is one of emotional uncertainty and turmoil. One day they may be the golden child, unable to do wrong. The following day, they are scapegoated and blamed for all the family’s problems. However, if they are lucky to have a strong role model or parent who protects them and provides unconditional love, they may grow up to be surprisingly resilient and well-adjusted. (See Chapter 6 for more information.)

Conflict at work and in the neighborhood

Whether you work with one or more narcissistic colleagues or have the misfortune of being under the supervision of a narcissistic boss, the fallout can range from annoyances to career ending ruin. For example, narcissistic colleagues may claim credit for your ideas and accomplishments. A jealous, narcissistic boss, threatened by your talent, could sabotage your chances for advancement.

The same dynamic occurs across other settings such as neighborhoods and civic organizations. Conflict can erupt between narcissists and their victims. Arguments about vegetation growing over fence lines, parking spaces, or even the color of paint on a home provide ample fuel for narcissists to complain about. See Chapter 7 for more information about examples of encounters with narcissists around town and how to negotiate better outcomes.

Social unrest in group settings

When a group of people — whether a sports team, sorority, religion, fraternity, nation, race, or political party, or students of a particular college or high school — feels superior, special, entitled, and exceptional, it may or may not suffer from narcissism. It’s perfectly natural to feel pride about being a member of a certain group. Many people feel positively about groups they’re a part of.

However, when that pride is combined with the belief that the group is not sufficiently recognized as superior by other groups, then collective narcissism all too often raises its dragon-like head. Collective narcissism involves thinking that the superior qualities of one’s group are not appreciated by others and other groups may be out to thwart their power. Social unrest occurs when people who are dissatisfied with something disrupt the regular social order to the detriment of others. It may be violent or nonviolent.

Collective narcissism has been linked to

Racism

Sexism

Homophobia

Prejudice

Fascism

Aggression

Violence

Nationalism

Religious fanaticism

Conspiracy theories

Terrorism

War

Those involved in a group that experiences collective narcissism are extremely threatened by perceived threats by another group. For example, white supremacists may believe that certain immigrant groups are out to get their jobs. People with these beliefs may respond to their imagined threats with revenge, including bullying, or attempts to intimidate the other group members. (See Chapter 3 for more information about collective narcissism.)

NARCISSISTIC PRESIDENTS AND WAR: 1897–2009

John P. Harden, while a doctoral student in political science at Ohio State University, studied 19 presidents, narcissistic traits, and days at war during each of their presidencies. The study, published in the Journal of Conflict Resolution, looked at the relationships between narcissism and length of war.

Experts and presidential historians reviewed historical biographies of the presidents. They then rated narcissistic traits of the presidents using a personality inventory. Just for your own information, during this time, Lyndon Johnson scored the highest on narcissism. Next in line was Teddy Roosevelt, and then Richard Nixon (note the most recent president rated was George W. Bush).

Using a database called the “Correlates of War,” which measured combat between two countries in which at least 1,000 people died within a year, the research looked at how long wars lasted under high-scoring narcissistic presidents compared to low-scoring narcissistic presidents.

High-scoring narcissistic presidents tended to extend wars until they could declare at least some form of victory. Perhaps the humiliation of a loss is intolerable for narcissistic presidents. This study is obviously limited by the small sample size and other factors that could confound or complicate the results. However, the author concluded that narcissistic presidents, in their “desire to protect their inflated self-image,” dragged out wars longer than necessary.

Dealing with a Narcissist: The Basics

Whether you interact with a narcissistic friend, coworker, parent, or romantic partner, a few strategies can help you handle their self-centered behavior. I introduce some strategies here and then explain each idea in more detail later in the book.

Responding thoughtfully rather than merely reacting

The most important technique for surviving encounters with narcissists involves awareness of your own reactions. When you experience a trigger, such as being mistreated, take a breath, step back, and analyze what you are feeling. Are you experiencing rapid breathing, tightness in the chest, a sick feeling in your stomach, sadness, or anger? If so, then consider what about the situation triggered those feelings.

Becoming aware of your responses and the triggering event in an encounter with a narcissist is the first step in understanding how to thoughtfully respond rather than simply react. Part 2 gives you more information about dealing with narcissists in interpersonal interactions.

Setting boundaries

Setting boundaries with narcissists can be difficult. They have spent many years mastering the art of manipulation and are exquisitely good at making unsuspecting people fall for their control tactics. Here are some brief tips on standing up for yourself; I offer many more ideas throughout this book.

Stop making excuses for their behavior.

Family members and partners of narcissists often try to excuse rude or hostile behavior by making excuses. Narcissists show their too-frequent anger outbursts whenever it pleases them. Too often they do not face appropriate consequences for their bad behavior.

Don’t expect them to change.

Narcissists rarely change; if they do, it’s usually because of some big loss, but you have no control over that change. Threats, pleas, and cajoling don’t work. You can’t change a narcissist no matter how hard you try.

Demand respect.

What do you usually do when someone disrespects you? Do you tolerate it? If so, you may have been in an abusive situation so long that it has become a habit. Step back and think about how others would respond. Perhaps it’s time for you to stop tolerating disrespect.

Don’t be afraid to say no.

Narcissists often make unreasonable demands on family, friends, and coworkers. Saying no sometimes leads to unwanted confrontations. However, if you don’t say no, it will certainly result in an uptick of more unreasonable demands.

Recognizing gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can make the victim start questioning their own sanity. Victims become increasingly confused, sometimes wondering whether they are losing their memory, their common sense, or their emotional stability. Narcissists often become experts at gaslighting. The abuse usually begins quite slowly, with small, insignificant suggestions that can lead to full-blown distortions of reality.

Here’s an example of a somewhat common, mild form of gaslighting:

Leo (the narcissist) asks his partner, Owen, “Did you pick up the drycleaning?”

Owen replies, “No, you didn’t ask me to. I didn’t know it was ready.”

“We had that conversation last night. You promised me that you’d get it on the way home,” Leo responds.

“I don’t remember either of us talking about that. Are you sure?” Owen queries.

“Are you okay? Were you taking drugs last night? You really don’t remember? We definitely talked about you picking up the drycleaning. You seriously don’t remember?” Leo counters.

“Okay, sorry, I don’t usually forget things like that. You know I certainly wasn’t on drugs! I’ll go now and pick it up.”

“It’s too late. They’re closed, and I needed a clean shirt for work tomorrow. I’ll make do,” Leo says icily and walks away.

Owen feels untethered and uneasy. He searches his brain, going over the sequence of what happened the night before, but can’t remember his promise. Owen doesn’t recall the conversation because it didn’t take place. This simple maneuver by Leo is the beginning of additional subtle but more serious attacks.

Narcissistic gaslighters feel free to lie; they simply make things up. Then later, they change the story, deny the original lie, or somehow blame it on someone else. This can be particularly frustrating to those around them.

Small instances of gaslighting make vulnerable people question themselves. Over time, the narcissist becomes more powerful and the victim weaker. Throughout this book, you can find many more examples of gaslighting and how to respond to it by recognizing gaslighting and staying focused on trusting your own feelings.

Maintaining your self-esteem

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, whether casual or intimate, your sense of self may feel unbalanced. Keep a focus on who you are as a person, and be compassionate with yourself. You are dealing with a stressful situation, but you are still the same valuable person you were before encountering the narcissist in your life.

One ploy of the narcissist involves isolating you from others and filling your mind with their selfish, narcissistic realities. Finding other sources of information is critical in these situations. Talking to others can keep you from falling into the trap of believing the narcissistic reality. Consider working with a mental health professional to help you problem solve and navigate this type of grueling relationship. See Chapter 5 and Chapter 6 for more information about dealing with narcissistic abuse.

Keeping things superficial and brief

Narcissists love to be at the center of attention. They enjoy an adoring audience and tend to give lectures rather than have conversations. Once you really get to know a narcissist, you may not want to attend the show. Yet, because they work with you or live with you, or are your ex, your parents, your next-door neighbor, or the local grocery store clerk, you may have to make an appearance.

Prepare in advance. Make your interactions as brief as possible. Make sure you have a commitment ready as an excuse to leave (see Part 2 for more detailed information). Furthermore, as much as possible, put your feelings in your pocket when you experience narcissistic abuse. Narcissists can smell discomfort or distress and will use those feelings to manipulate any situation.

Cutting off or compartmentalizing hurtful relationships

Sometimes, the only safe alternative for your own physical and mental health is to leave a relationship with a narcissist. If it’s the local grocer, that’s probably pretty easy to do, but if you live in a small town, it can be more difficult. It’s even more challenging when it comes to friends, but sometimes a breakup is inevitable. With bosses or coworkers, you probably need to maintain a cordial relationship in order to keep up with your responsibilities (see the Chapter 7 for more ideas).

Cutting off relationships with business associates, neighbors, and friends is hard enough. However, walking away from interactions with family members is even harder. But people do it, perhaps more than you realize.

Research on family relations in the United States suggests that well over a third of the population has been estranged from one or more family members for significant periods of time. Estrangement between parents and adult children are quite common. For some strategies to deal with these tough decisions, see Chapter 6.

Leaving an intimate partner may be the most difficult for some; for others it’s just a relief. However, cutting off relationships with a narcissistic intimate partner is usually the most conflictual, dangerous, and draining of all. See Chapters 5 and 9 for help in managing and implementing this trying decision.

Be willing to calmly walk away from a toxic relationship. When facing an unwinnable battle, sometimes the best thing to do is to leave the scene. This is not surrender. It’s another way to set appropriate limits.

Getting Help: Considering Treatment Options

Some treatments, such as psychotherapy (discussed in Part 5), have been found to improve the day-to-day functioning of narcissists. However, narcissists rarely seek help unless they are under some external threat such as an impending divorce, a job loss, or legal trouble. When they do engage in treatment, they tend to leave treatment prematurely or sabotage efforts by therapists.

For the most part, narcissists are not very likely to seek and benefit from psychotherapy. But that leaves their partners, families, and concerned others wondering what to do to decrease their own misery.

During an emergency in an airplane, it’s important to put the oxygen mask on yourself before giving help to the other people in your row, and the same principle applies to narcissistic relationships. If you find yourself miserable or even in danger dealing with a difficult person, first put on your own oxygen mask.

Get yourself to a better space. Consider counseling for yourself before tackling the job of attempting to help a narcissist or leave the relationship. Therapy can be a tool that gives you the power and perspective to make wise decisions.

Interacting with a narcissist can be initially wonderful and more often, ultimately horrible. Long-term costs to your self-esteem can be significant. It’s important to save yourself.

Chapter 2

Taking a Closer Look at Narcissism

IN THIS CHAPTER

Seeing what narcissism looks like

Looking at the four types of narcissism

Recognizing the difference between narcissistic traits and the personality disorder

In ancient Greek mythology, Narcissus was a strikingly handsome young man. He knew how good he looked and held himself in exceptionally high regard. At the same time, Narcissus callously rejected those who sought his affection. His conceit and cruelty were noticed by the goddess Nemesis. She decided to take vengeance on Narcissus for his heartless dismissal of others. Nemesis condemned Narcissus to spend the rest of his life contemplating his own beauty. Walking by a pond, Narcissus stopped, captivated by his reflection. Unable to leave his own beautiful image, he remained at the pond staring at himself, in total despair. Eventually, he wasted away and died.

From this story, emanating from the ancient Greeks, emerged the modern concept of narcissism. Today, a narcissist is described as a person who thinks unusually highly of themselves, desires excessive attention and admiration, and believes that they are special and unique. This chapter further explores the characteristics of narcissism. In addition, it describes the different types of narcissism and discusses the criteria for diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

The bottom line is not whether someone has NPD or one or more narcissistic traits; it’s how their personalities affect those around them. If you are dealing with a narcissist, don’t worry about the diagnosis. Look at the symptoms and how they affect you.

Recognizing Narcissistic Traits and Patterns

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, is published by the American Psychiatric Society. The book, widely used by mental health professionals, looks at emotional problems and describes the symptoms that are thought to be part of each mental disorder. For example, there are nine different symptoms of narcissism according to the DSM. The following sections take an in-depth look at these major symptoms and provide examples to further illustrate how the symptoms may manifest in an individual.

The particular traits of narcissism lie on a continuum. They can range from mild to severe. And not everyone with relatively high levels of narcissism exhibits all the traits. However, someone who exhibits five of the nine symptoms of narcissism qualifies for an official diagnosis. In addition, the symptoms described in this section have considerable overlap. For example, if you feel grandiose, you’re likely to also be arrogant.

Reveling in self-importance

Grandiosity is a particularly common symptom of narcissism. Like the word, people with this trait believe themselves to be grand. They believe in their self-importance, even if their lives don’t reflect that. They overestimate their skills and capabilities. The following brief example illustrates this trait:

Brent drops out of high school to pursue a career in tattooing. He’s a good artist and makes what he thinks is a decent living. In reality, he brings in enough money to keep himself entertained. Brent believes he is a highly skilled businessman and that his decision to drop out of school was very intelligent.

What Brent doesn’t consider is that he lives with his parents who continue to enable him by providing shelter, feeding him, and paying for his health insurance. When Brent’s business takes a downturn because he runs out of friends and relatives seeking tattoos, he asks his parents to give him some money to open his own shop.

His father wisely asks Brent to write up a business plan detailing monthly expenses, income projections, and legal requirements. Brent produces an overly optimistic, simplistic, and incomplete plan.

His father tells him that after he completes his GED and takes some business classes at the community college, he will discuss investing in his son’s venture. Brent is furious with his father’s response. He vows to find another investor who truly believes in his talents.

Brent exhibits grandiosity. He believes that he can run a successful business without the necessary knowledge or experience. He cannot take reasonable feedback and does not put in the work to develop a viable business.

It’s the gross overestimation of talent, competence, and importance that makes someone grandiose.

Seeking unlimited power and success — at any cost

Narcissists with this trait have big plans for now and the future. They often have schemes for making money that may be unrealistic to others. They’re drawn like a magnet to anything that promises quick, easy power and success.

Theo’s story is an example of narcissistic optimism taken too far. Many people with the desire for unlimited success can become victims of their own dreams, often taking others down with them.

Theo is a firefighter in a medium-sized city. To pass the time between calls, he watches shows that feature house flipping. Always short of money, Theo is tempted to buy a run-down house, fix it up, and flip it. After all, his schedule gives him several days off every week. He’s watched hours of house-flipping shows; it should be a piece of cake.

Theo tells his wife his plans. She informs him that he is being ridiculous. First, they have no money to spare; second, he’s always tired when he comes home from work; and third, they have four kids who need his attention.

Theo puts his plans on hold, deciding to bide his time until an opportunity presents itself. He asks one of his firefighter buddies, who moonlights as a real-estate salesperson, to keep an eye out for a fixer-upper. Eventually, Theo finds his house. He goes ahead with the purchase without considering the risks involved or the impact this might have on his family. His wife is furious.

You can imagine what happens. Theo had not counted on the high cost of materials or the time and expertise it would take him to complete the remodeling. Eventually, despite working extra shifts, he realizes that he can’t keep up with the additional payments. Another scheme lost. But undiscouraged, Theo continues looking for the next easy way to fame and fortune.

Believing in absolute uniqueness and worth

People with this narcissistic trait believe that they are different from others. That difference makes them unique and better than others. They feel like members of an exclusive club that only uniquely special people can belong to. These unique narcissists often seek out the company of other people they consider unique and special and shun those they feel don’t belong.

The belief in uniqueness often brings with it a deep sense of entitlement. Charlotte’s story shows both entitlement and the feeling of uniqueness.

Charlotte is an overindulged teen living in an upscale suburb. She attends a prestigious private school, drives a new car, and dresses in the latest fashions. Her friends all attend the same school, and most are similarly spoiled.

The requirements for Charlotte’s Senior Experience class include volunteering at a food bank. Charlotte is appalled. She refuses to volunteer, saying that people in those places are disgusting. She states, “It will smell, and those homeless people are all lazy drug addicts. They don’t deserve free food. They can easily get jobs at a fast-food joint. I won’t do it.”

Charlotte demands that her parents excuse her from this unbearable task. Of course, her parents acquiesce and set up a meeting with the principal. The principal attempts to reassure Charlotte’s parents that many students are surprised at how meaningful volunteering can be and that the requirement is nonnegotiable. Charlotte’s father reminds the principal of the generous donations he has made over the years. Charlotte is given an alternate assignment.

Charlotte and her parents belong to an exclusive club, the wealthy. And some wealthy people think that they are better than others. Rules do not always apply to them, especially if they flash their money around. The club may be exclusive, but belonging to it can lead to narcissism.

Not all wealthy people feel unique. Many are humble and grateful. They do not have narcissistic beliefs of being distinct or special.

Demanding attention, approval, and praise

Narcissists often have an insatiable appetite for approval. They expect to be admired and given an uninterrupted stream of positive attention. When not given sufficient recognition, they pout, sulk, or get angry.

Scarlett and her husband have recently moved to a new town. She was previously very involved in nonprofit and charitable work. She knows it’s a good way to get involved in the community and make new friends. She especially enjoys feeling appreciated.

Scarlett sees that the Historical Society meets on Wednesday mornings. She attends her first meeting. Everyone introduces themselves. Scarlett tells the others that she has been president of several nonprofits and is well known for her ability to raise funds.

Members of the board note her past experience and hope they’ve found a willing volunteer. At her second meeting, the president asks Scarlett if she’d be interested in co-chairing a committee. As is the case for most nonprofits, reliable volunteers are always hard to find.

Scarlett begins her work co-chairing the committee by taking it over. In her first week, she lectures other members about all the mistakes they are currently making. She informs others of her changes and implements them without getting input from more seasoned volunteers. She railroads her ideas through and waits for the expected accolades.

Many of Scarlett’s ideas are great, and she does get lots of attention from members. However, the reliable volunteers feel a bit overwhelmed by Scarlett. The board members ask the president to intervene and counsel Scarlett to calm down a bit.

Scarlett does not like even a hint of criticism. When the president discusses some of the concerns, she searches for approval. Not finding enough, she immediately quits the organization.

Narcissists like attention and praise. However, they only perform for a friendly audience. If unable to get the approval they crave, narcissists move on to another theater.

Scarlett represents a common “do-gooder” narcissist. Although these types of narcissists often contribute to their causes, their basic motive is to get attention and approval. Individual narcissists who seek approval and attention through their community work are sometimes referred to as communal narcissists.

Feeling entitled: Expecting privileges and special treatment

The word entitled originated from the state of having a title to something. For example, you may have a title to your home (that is often shared with a mortgage company). Or a title to a car. But entitled also refers to having certain rights and privileges bestowed to you because of who you are, not because you’ve earned or deserve them. Like royalty (minus the wealth and power), narcissists believe they deserve to be treated better than others.

Years ago, I took my youngest son to a California theme park. Not wanting to wait in long lines, I bought an upgrade to some special status ticket that allowed us to bypass the lines. Excited, we rushed past people standing in the hot sun and joyfully jumped on the rides without waiting.

Most of that is true. The part that is a lie is the part about excitedly, joyfully jumping on rides. Actually, I was embarrassed to walk past sweaty, sullen people standing in line. I studiously avoided eye contact with the hundreds of people I imagined were glaring angrily at us as we made our way to the front of the line. I worried about getting spit at. I worried about bad karma. Obviously, I’m not a narcissist.

A narcissist would sashay their way past the peasants forced to wait for a rollercoaster. That’s because a narcissist feels they deserve to be first and should never be kept waiting. They feel no remorse for stepping on a few toes. In other words, a narcissist feels and acts entitled.

Exploiting and controlling others

A common trait of narcissists, exploiting and controlling others is particularly damaging in intimate relationships. Narcissists view people as instruments used to get their needs met. They latch on to others who can fulfill those needs. Some prefer dependent partners who will do their bidding; others look for people who can provide them with additional status.

Here's an example:

Levi has the idea that having a wife would help him further his career. He wants to find a beautiful woman whom he can show off and who will care for his home and his anticipated brood of good-looking children.

Abigail met Levi through an online dating app. She’s a college student finishing up her nursing degree. Levi’s an airman first class and lives at the air force base near Abigail’s school. On their first date, the two take a walk through a park and then have a long lunch. Levi describes his ambitions of rising quickly through the ranks, and Abigail is impressed. He asks about her dreams for the future, and she tells him about her lifelong interest in medicine. Levi notes that nursing is a flexible career that can fit in well with frequent moves.

During the following weeks, Levi sends Abigail flowers and hundreds of texts. When she doesn’t reply immediately to a text, he asks her if she is ghosting him. A few dates later, Levi asks Abigail to marry him. A bit overwhelmed but flattered, Abigail finds herself thinking about a potential future with Levi. She sort of likes the idea of traveling the world with a handsome young air force officer. But then she realizes that she really doesn’t know Levi, and although she feels strongly attracted to him, she isn’t madly in love.

Abigail tries to explain her feelings to Levi. Instead of being understanding or sad, he becomes angered by her hesitancy. He tells Abigail that he’d thought she was the partner he’d always dreamed about. They’d make the perfect team. But he can’t afford to wait around for her to make up her mind. “By the way,” he tells her, “you’d be beautiful if you didn’t wear all that trashy makeup.”